Well, it has been a hot damned minute since I last blogged. The whole bad luck holiday blogging superstition and all. And though the 20th is my birthday and I would love to consider that a holiday, alas, it is not. So, I will be moving on toi my New 2007 location after this post. See you there guys!
-The Lou
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Friday, December 22, 2006
Sometimes Others Can Say It Better
Reasons for Living | ||||||
Everyone's looking, everyone hides | ||||||
Thanks a lot Mr. Sheik! I feel you.....
Friday, December 15, 2006
Sophomoric (adj.)
The etymology means wise-fool. I think that I am going into my sophomore year of life. I always knew that a fool belied my genius. Absent-minded professor. I even used to draw the Fool tarot card at Madame Laveau's in N'awlins. Perpetually. And, now, in this, the dawning of my second trimester of life, I start to find those I look up to in life, looking up to me in the same manner just a different light. The true power of this to shape my paradigm comes from two facts. One is I had no idea I was "doing" anything but being the Louis I have spent years finding. It was actually easier that way than being lost. The second thing is thie Wise Man had nothing to gain at all from me in the granted of adulations. It felt fantastic to be able to go, "If only for one man, and entirely by accident, I made someone's life a little better." That rocks!
In response to:
"I have told you before - one of the things I so fucking admire about you is the ability to expose that which would be much easier to leave hidden. You are the kind of exhibitionist I like - who cares who shows off their body? It is those who are willing to expose their hearts and souls that are the truly unique and who others should be willing to emulate! I don't care what anyone says to me, I'll always defend your honor and integrity. Let them try,"
In response to:
"I have told you before - one of the things I so fucking admire about you is the ability to expose that which would be much easier to leave hidden. You are the kind of exhibitionist I like - who cares who shows off their body? It is those who are willing to expose their hearts and souls that are the truly unique and who others should be willing to emulate! I don't care what anyone says to me, I'll always defend your honor and integrity. Let them try,"
Architype Definition: Self-Appointed Martyr Part 1
He/She is often charismatic to the point where little reigning in of the overall effect on others can be exercised. Often aloof and self-absorbed, they will escape on a whim to the corners of their own mind (unnoticed at times by others.) This place holds the whole core of this archetype in my opinion. There lies the dichotomy of their conundrum. It is the only place sacred and safe to them from everything outside. Since they often experience feelings of warlike paranoia coming at them from every direction, this place is where they go to hide from all pain. It does not prevent the harm from being done. It only allows a vestige of sanity to pull on during real or imagined attacks. Usually this works for them both in times of mental anguish and physical trauma. I believe we all have this place. Most people who have broken a limb, or experienced another form of extreme physical trauma know this place as "going into shock." No pain, mild to extreme disorientation, catatonia, dissociative behaviors (e.g. not feeling the pain of a wound that is obviously painful or not knowing anything has happened to them even when told it has,) among many other things can all be symptoms. Whereas most see this place as a refuge or "vacation home" in the mind designed to protect the person involved like a surge protector, this caste of man has said goodbye to the real world for the most part and decided to move into the vacation cabin in the mountains for good. This is symbolic of there behavior and personality more succinctly I think than anny other allegory. This behavior is totally understandable. I believe that in some it is instinctual from birth, a prewired, predetermined path that is of no choosing of their own. They are few and far between. The majority, I find, have had an extreme (brain-chemistry altering- Yes, it has been scientifically provem.) or prolonged traumatic experience. Since we know everyone goes or is capable of going to the "vacation spot," it is not too far of a leap to conclude they would have during this time(s) as well. My theory for the basis of this archetype is that this trauma is so great or occurs so frequently that the escapist reality become either more familiar over time than "reality" or is simlply way too appealing to leave knowing the pain waiting on Main Street USA. Therefore, the change of address cards go out at a very early age. Now, for these oft charsimatic and generally intelligent sub-species, it is still a genetic imperative to feel part of the herd (even if it is by being "the outsider.") Most onlookers will not notice any immediate change in the person. On the outside, these chameleons, especvially earlier in life, appear lucid if absent-minded, bright, and social. They have not grown into the part of them that is hardest with which to deal. As they grow, children mimic behaviors until they assimilate them into their own personalities and habits. Now, remember how the vacation home works. Perception is never really halted or turned off. It is temporarily deflected or altered though. Although this is a phenomenal way of biding pain and allowing a longer than normal healinng time for atrucious mental events, it is not a place within, by any means to be socialized orlearn to deal with reality. Things can tend to be skewed toward a more acceptable slant that are socially unacceptable as a rule. Things that would normally excite and stimulate the person in, particular those things correlated to interpersonal bonding, can be dull if perceptible at all. To a child just experiencing all this for the first time, there is no basis for comparison making it all seem "perfectly normal." That they perceive the world for so much longer without any real interuption in this paradigm is where the fate of the child is sealed. I think there is a major installation of foundation class personality traits between two and twelve or fourteen (roughly prepubesence.) These children fall prey to the reinforcement of years of this reality. Showing no major symptoms of illness or distress, because of the very thing that will be the eventual undoing, is the catch-22. The child is not developing normally because he appears to be developing normally. Having never known early enough in most cases to pay focused attention to many of this caste at this primordial stage, I cannot say how much they try, voluntarily or not, to make someone outside themselves aware. It may be simply too safe to question for one who knows no different. I find this in child abuse victims. They tend not to understand why it is so few other children get less "disciplining" than they do. Strangely not from the point of view that the other lives are better, but more from the perspective of a foreigner listening to another language spoke for the first time. Familiar but not native. Around the time puberty hits, maybe later or earlier depending on the exposure to outside paradigms and the severity of the withdrawal, the person will start to notice that they are not quite the norm in a lot of social and emotional ways. I find they are great at pretending to act in the appropriate manner, for example crying at a funeral, or being happy at a wedding party. Most can recant countless times where an emotional reaction, to what is conventionally considered to naturally evoke response is totally lacking or not at a level appropriate to the caliber of the experience. I have seen totally inappropriate emotional responses as well. Laughing at bad news. Sudden crying or paramoia associated with love. I would not necessarily consider this a psychosis since that connotes that it is a perceptive disorder, whereas I believe this to be a learned response disorder. The brain is rewceiving the same stimuli, it is somply programmed to respond inappropriately at times if at all. Once the child or adult realizes this for themselves, an event ranging the full gamut or possibilities but often to do with feelings of detachment or as a rsult of repeated akward or negative outcomes from what seemed perfectly natural in this person's world, he will start to micro-manage his emotions like a work assignment not a natural or learned response. I know some people who have practiced responding different ways for years to get the "perfect" return as often and with as diverse a situation as possible. It often becomes an obsession. Which goes hand in hand with the whole scheme thus far. With a person spending so much time distant emotionally from his environment, it would lend itself to be true that a child's developing brain would be starved for stinuli and seek it out in vast quantities and extreme depths in the places they felt safest as a way of satiating the entire genre (emotional) of missing but anticipated input. This holding true would then lead to excessive thirst for a particular line of stimulus. Some through environment and/or genetics lend themselves to knowledge and learning. Others turning inward equally as far to the opposing hemisphere governing creativity may find fuel there. I find a lot of genius and just as much insanity in this archetype. It would not be in error to assume that not all people are provided either enough mental fortitude and/or external reference to keep even the faintest of grasps on our reality. These are the people we see as victims of catatonia and extreme seclusion even radically "unacceptable social developments." I think anti-social and sociopathic behaviors may fall into this realm as well as pathological disorders such as lying, kleptomania, and some obsessive-compulsive disorders. To these people, there is usually little negative natural environment feedback. They mainly run into problems when they have mismatched feelings and instinctual behaviors that they picked up early on and now few people around them exhibit. "Why don't I ever feel sad when someone I care for dies?" and "I go through the motions but I don't get that feeling like everyone else." can often be heard from these people.
So, we have a basis to work from now and decide, in far so far as we have factual evidence, some of the motivations for this archetypes behaviors. What do we know thus far?.
They are likely victim of major or repeated traumas during the stages of development responsible for the founding of emotional and social aptitude.
They are innately withdrawn no matter the outward appearance and behaviors to the contrary.
They must at some point in order to function in daily society have mastered use of essebtial contrived second-hand emotional respoonses.
Tjey tend to have exceptional intellect and/or creative talent.
On the negative, they have an inordivately high tendency towards a litany of mental disorders or behaviors that are often mistaken for such.
They tend not to feel comfortable outside the realm of existence they create for themselves, and therefore can only be reached when the person attempting to do so does in their world, on their schedule, and on their terms.
Often feelings of emptiness, loniiness, and detachment are pervasive in all aspects of their lives. Trust is often a major issue when they make the effort to build an interpersonal connection of even the slightest significance,
Oftemtimes they do not make any effort at all to invite people into their lives. This can bring on or aggrevate existing conditions such as depression.
One of the few archetyope when they so desire to do so, that can fully remove themselves from a situation and make a nearly unbiased decision.
They, even as full adults are known to socially clumsy an rare but memorable occasions.
They may develop a well-crafted tactlessness that, while off puting in most anyone else, is considred to be one of their endearing traits.
Repetedly tending towards embarrassment as a youth they are acutely aware of their own behaviors and what they choose to let, or not let, out of their mouths.
Strategy would be their defining word. Everything is like chess and planned well in advance accordingly. Even the most apt at this "design talent" fail more often than they admit and as logically follows the toll to their whole existence is perennially higher than most.
They fill the largest percentage of those deemed Charismats (a social strata super class...more later) on account of their natural proclivity to the arts and sciences required, but sadly, tend to achieve the least greater good with it. They tend to get caught up in abusing this talent, as with so nuch in theor exixtence, on personal gain and protection.
Leading to the most commonly seen charateristic of this genre,... Intrinsically philanthropists in the ideological arena, they are usually the most egocentric in the pragmatic one. Put simply, they are the most obviously self-serving and selfish af all the castes. As a strange coup de grace, they are unabashedly unapologetic about it. To them, (And for many others upon careful explanation) the behavior is logical if cold and often inhuman.
Years of holding a protective stance because of being forced to study when and why and how humans emotionally respond as a method of preventing the appearance of social ineptitude have crafted this caste into a keen observer and swift analyzer of most any social situation whether familiar or completely foreign to them. It is in this characteristic that several things come full circle in this archetype and become the basis for its strengths and weaknesses. Very early on, all children know certain behaviors will evoke certain innate responses from other people. They also learn that not every person will react the same given the same stimulus. The child's first evidence of free will in his conceptualization of existence. This is importantt to remember because the question of its validity and evidence to the contrary will play a key part in the development of, and later, the Latent Philosophy of this archetype more than any other. It can be found filtering its influennces into almost every decision and behavior of this archetype.
So, why is assigning the title of Self-Appointed Martyr apropos? Easy enough, I think. You will recall the "vacation home" where they reside mentally. With this inborn detachment and proclivity toward withdrawl, they are not given a certain place in society they feel naturally befits them. Adding on top of all else a strong likelyhood for genius and insanity (my favorite for a mix of well-tempered meglomania!) and you have someone with just enough loneliness and well-placed self-doubt to have an insatiable desire to "fit in for once" and the moxy and social skills (even if faked) to create themselves a position rather than step into a prefabricated one. At times, they have been known to step into the shoes of another. These are those people that don't quite fit the mold. Marching to beat of there own drummer. They don't seem to notice the pparadoxes swirling about their every move and balance it all with seemingly little effort. You almost always see SAMs with a collected, a;ert, and confident demeanor about them. They make everything look so easy and carry on with an air of having all the answers. Granted, they often have more than is fairly their share of the answers (recall the obsessive behaviors,) but they are working harder to appear that way for one minute than most put into a year of life. Thhat, as you would expect, leads to burn out way quicker than most. They have exhobitant suicide rates, nervous breakdowns, and total life failures. They earn the Pheonix as their symbolic animal. "Crash and burn, if only to learn." in that neverending cycle that creativity drives towards invention.
So, all information thus far in the kettle you gotta add the mettle. I stated earlier that because of their exotic mental locale, they can handle a level of pain and punishment, particularly in cerebral form, than most any being you will encounter. You can safely assume that this fact has not eluded our eagle-eyed SAM. Nor has the fact that humans and pretty much every living thing naturally shy away from pain and its many relatives. If we add two and two, four is bound to look somthing like the SAM. A position in society that no matter what the failings, short-comings, or irrational behaviors, people will be dependant upon this person for some sort of shelter. Like a psychological umbrella in the shitstorm called Life. They are perfectly suited to this role. Knowing people tells a SAM where there strebgths and weaknesses are usually to be found. This leads them to more efficiently protect and counsel the charge under their care. They are not as all-empowered as they think though. It is in this very "gift-to-mankind" that their undoing is sealed. They get better and better with their regular people (you will notice that boredom is a bane for SAMs even if it is a different thing to each) and start to find they need more to make them remain fulfilled. As the workload increases, so do the mistakes, bad decisions, and propensity to fuck up royally. Stress levels sky rocket because no one counsels their counseler. With no one to lean against while every one leans against him, the martyr sacrifices himself to save them all. Or so we are led to bel;ieve. I kind of see it as anoither star going SuperNova and all those nearby are lucky to remain intact. Usually and luckily, for the SAM will he survive exhausted and relatively unscathed. Eventually they will put back on their mask and off to work saving a world who very well may not want to be saved.
That concept at the very end of not wanting to be saved ties into a major fault in paradigmn for the SAM. Think backon the baby's first thoughts of free will. We all agree humans are imbued with free will. One of our most interesting an difficult concepts. A SAM sees that yes, we have free will, to an extent. He is also dangerously aware that we have a large number of genetic presets and failsafes hardwired into our brains. These are things that have helped all mammals and life in general survive millions of yrears. Instincts so raw and real and strong that I doubtthey would ever not be a part of every tliving thing in the universe. They get more complex as you climb the food chain, and we get way better at not boticing them as we have encephalized over time, but they are still there and can be seen ib the most common if behaviors. Take for example, that most adult mammals have a deeper more audible sound they create than its respective youbg. Do you think this is an accident? I assure you nothing that survives its first million years of evolution is an accidebt at all. It is natures way of protecting tghe young from attack by larger relatives. Stops a youth dead in his traxks before his instinct to spar overrides his common sense. So, when a lion cub hears his uncle's annoyed but markedlyt deeper roar his brain says "He will eat you. Run away now." In humans as with all mamals this holkds true, think about how much impact James Earl Jones's voice has when he speaks even for Bell South......
This needs to be proofread and another installment is on the way
So, we have a basis to work from now and decide, in far so far as we have factual evidence, some of the motivations for this archetypes behaviors. What do we know thus far?.
They are likely victim of major or repeated traumas during the stages of development responsible for the founding of emotional and social aptitude.
They are innately withdrawn no matter the outward appearance and behaviors to the contrary.
They must at some point in order to function in daily society have mastered use of essebtial contrived second-hand emotional respoonses.
Tjey tend to have exceptional intellect and/or creative talent.
On the negative, they have an inordivately high tendency towards a litany of mental disorders or behaviors that are often mistaken for such.
They tend not to feel comfortable outside the realm of existence they create for themselves, and therefore can only be reached when the person attempting to do so does in their world, on their schedule, and on their terms.
Often feelings of emptiness, loniiness, and detachment are pervasive in all aspects of their lives. Trust is often a major issue when they make the effort to build an interpersonal connection of even the slightest significance,
Oftemtimes they do not make any effort at all to invite people into their lives. This can bring on or aggrevate existing conditions such as depression.
One of the few archetyope when they so desire to do so, that can fully remove themselves from a situation and make a nearly unbiased decision.
They, even as full adults are known to socially clumsy an rare but memorable occasions.
They may develop a well-crafted tactlessness that, while off puting in most anyone else, is considred to be one of their endearing traits.
Repetedly tending towards embarrassment as a youth they are acutely aware of their own behaviors and what they choose to let, or not let, out of their mouths.
Strategy would be their defining word. Everything is like chess and planned well in advance accordingly. Even the most apt at this "design talent" fail more often than they admit and as logically follows the toll to their whole existence is perennially higher than most.
They fill the largest percentage of those deemed Charismats (a social strata super class...more later) on account of their natural proclivity to the arts and sciences required, but sadly, tend to achieve the least greater good with it. They tend to get caught up in abusing this talent, as with so nuch in theor exixtence, on personal gain and protection.
Leading to the most commonly seen charateristic of this genre,... Intrinsically philanthropists in the ideological arena, they are usually the most egocentric in the pragmatic one. Put simply, they are the most obviously self-serving and selfish af all the castes. As a strange coup de grace, they are unabashedly unapologetic about it. To them, (And for many others upon careful explanation) the behavior is logical if cold and often inhuman.
Years of holding a protective stance because of being forced to study when and why and how humans emotionally respond as a method of preventing the appearance of social ineptitude have crafted this caste into a keen observer and swift analyzer of most any social situation whether familiar or completely foreign to them. It is in this characteristic that several things come full circle in this archetype and become the basis for its strengths and weaknesses. Very early on, all children know certain behaviors will evoke certain innate responses from other people. They also learn that not every person will react the same given the same stimulus. The child's first evidence of free will in his conceptualization of existence. This is importantt to remember because the question of its validity and evidence to the contrary will play a key part in the development of, and later, the Latent Philosophy of this archetype more than any other. It can be found filtering its influennces into almost every decision and behavior of this archetype.
So, why is assigning the title of Self-Appointed Martyr apropos? Easy enough, I think. You will recall the "vacation home" where they reside mentally. With this inborn detachment and proclivity toward withdrawl, they are not given a certain place in society they feel naturally befits them. Adding on top of all else a strong likelyhood for genius and insanity (my favorite for a mix of well-tempered meglomania!) and you have someone with just enough loneliness and well-placed self-doubt to have an insatiable desire to "fit in for once" and the moxy and social skills (even if faked) to create themselves a position rather than step into a prefabricated one. At times, they have been known to step into the shoes of another. These are those people that don't quite fit the mold. Marching to beat of there own drummer. They don't seem to notice the pparadoxes swirling about their every move and balance it all with seemingly little effort. You almost always see SAMs with a collected, a;ert, and confident demeanor about them. They make everything look so easy and carry on with an air of having all the answers. Granted, they often have more than is fairly their share of the answers (recall the obsessive behaviors,) but they are working harder to appear that way for one minute than most put into a year of life. Thhat, as you would expect, leads to burn out way quicker than most. They have exhobitant suicide rates, nervous breakdowns, and total life failures. They earn the Pheonix as their symbolic animal. "Crash and burn, if only to learn." in that neverending cycle that creativity drives towards invention.
So, all information thus far in the kettle you gotta add the mettle. I stated earlier that because of their exotic mental locale, they can handle a level of pain and punishment, particularly in cerebral form, than most any being you will encounter. You can safely assume that this fact has not eluded our eagle-eyed SAM. Nor has the fact that humans and pretty much every living thing naturally shy away from pain and its many relatives. If we add two and two, four is bound to look somthing like the SAM. A position in society that no matter what the failings, short-comings, or irrational behaviors, people will be dependant upon this person for some sort of shelter. Like a psychological umbrella in the shitstorm called Life. They are perfectly suited to this role. Knowing people tells a SAM where there strebgths and weaknesses are usually to be found. This leads them to more efficiently protect and counsel the charge under their care. They are not as all-empowered as they think though. It is in this very "gift-to-mankind" that their undoing is sealed. They get better and better with their regular people (you will notice that boredom is a bane for SAMs even if it is a different thing to each) and start to find they need more to make them remain fulfilled. As the workload increases, so do the mistakes, bad decisions, and propensity to fuck up royally. Stress levels sky rocket because no one counsels their counseler. With no one to lean against while every one leans against him, the martyr sacrifices himself to save them all. Or so we are led to bel;ieve. I kind of see it as anoither star going SuperNova and all those nearby are lucky to remain intact. Usually and luckily, for the SAM will he survive exhausted and relatively unscathed. Eventually they will put back on their mask and off to work saving a world who very well may not want to be saved.
That concept at the very end of not wanting to be saved ties into a major fault in paradigmn for the SAM. Think backon the baby's first thoughts of free will. We all agree humans are imbued with free will. One of our most interesting an difficult concepts. A SAM sees that yes, we have free will, to an extent. He is also dangerously aware that we have a large number of genetic presets and failsafes hardwired into our brains. These are things that have helped all mammals and life in general survive millions of yrears. Instincts so raw and real and strong that I doubtthey would ever not be a part of every tliving thing in the universe. They get more complex as you climb the food chain, and we get way better at not boticing them as we have encephalized over time, but they are still there and can be seen ib the most common if behaviors. Take for example, that most adult mammals have a deeper more audible sound they create than its respective youbg. Do you think this is an accident? I assure you nothing that survives its first million years of evolution is an accidebt at all. It is natures way of protecting tghe young from attack by larger relatives. Stops a youth dead in his traxks before his instinct to spar overrides his common sense. So, when a lion cub hears his uncle's annoyed but markedlyt deeper roar his brain says "He will eat you. Run away now." In humans as with all mamals this holkds true, think about how much impact James Earl Jones's voice has when he speaks even for Bell South......
This needs to be proofread and another installment is on the way
Sunday, December 10, 2006
The Dwindlelands for Darkshine Doug part One
AKA "What had been happen"
Ok. So, this is gonna take prefacing a little. Twack Back Doug and I had a "falling out" when first I belly-flopped into my second Greater Meck Area Adventure Trip. During that time he said that Darkshine Doug had done somethings to him in the time he has known him that make him uncomfortable alone with him. It swiftly ruined my opinion of Darkshine. I thought bout how I had dealt ith this type before. A week later and time and distance between Twack Back Doug and I, I meet Mr. With-a-Y. He explains that he has known the Darkshine for years and does not think him capable of the accused behavior. With-a-Y, being appointed one of the "Wise Men," I took that as gospel. Slowly, as rime wore by, I fell out of all contact with TB Doug. Strangely, and upon apparent sanction of With-a-Y, I fell into more contact with Darkshine.Enthrall by his fount of knowledge, outspoken biew that I make people better, and of course access to drugs.
All is well at first, I enjoy the admiration and the constant barrage of compliments and drugs. A few times strangely worded sentences would send up abort flags, but seeing nothing to relate it to, continued to be led down a path toi where, although I did little to stop it and atr times was so trashed I was really enjoying it on some level, I felt I was visibly uncomfortable. Scared at times. Violently avoidant. I did let it continue further than it should have because I felt it was literally the only way to repay for what I had been given. It was the only payment/reward/compensation he wanted. NOTE FOR THE RECORD: At no point was compensation ever mentioned or made mandatory.
Shortly before today, the advances started getting more than I could tolerate and I put the proverbial "Foot Down" right in the middle of the mess. SInce then and to this I have received little communication. WHen I do it is often peppered with thinly veiled references to his not getting what he wants and how mad he was and how it was unfair that "everyone else" has had it.
Cut to scene: Afternoon on line chatting
DD: I wish my mood was better, thats why I havent tried to come down no way do I want to be around any one th (at could be influenced ny my mood in and bad one too paraphrase whole quote missing)
ME: i don't let you have that effect on me hence i don't rub from you when you aer down
DD: its good that you dont.
ME:
> i notice it is your prmary defense mechanism you make to where no one spends > enough time around you to hurt you by msaking them dread your moofd
DD: only get into a mood when guys like Doug reel me in make me feel on top of things again and then when I say no to something or I feel that the need of sex is needed for my well being I get shot down as some old freak now its cool for others to fuck around get all the dick and ass they can find but let try for it or even have someone over it hard on me . its hard being a Freak
ME: [And I would put up with it no longer...]
Part Two: "It was a Stupid Ass Root!"
Ok. So, this is gonna take prefacing a little. Twack Back Doug and I had a "falling out" when first I belly-flopped into my second Greater Meck Area Adventure Trip. During that time he said that Darkshine Doug had done somethings to him in the time he has known him that make him uncomfortable alone with him. It swiftly ruined my opinion of Darkshine. I thought bout how I had dealt ith this type before. A week later and time and distance between Twack Back Doug and I, I meet Mr. With-a-Y. He explains that he has known the Darkshine for years and does not think him capable of the accused behavior. With-a-Y, being appointed one of the "Wise Men," I took that as gospel. Slowly, as rime wore by, I fell out of all contact with TB Doug. Strangely, and upon apparent sanction of With-a-Y, I fell into more contact with Darkshine.Enthrall by his fount of knowledge, outspoken biew that I make people better, and of course access to drugs.
All is well at first, I enjoy the admiration and the constant barrage of compliments and drugs. A few times strangely worded sentences would send up abort flags, but seeing nothing to relate it to, continued to be led down a path toi where, although I did little to stop it and atr times was so trashed I was really enjoying it on some level, I felt I was visibly uncomfortable. Scared at times. Violently avoidant. I did let it continue further than it should have because I felt it was literally the only way to repay for what I had been given. It was the only payment/reward/compensation he wanted. NOTE FOR THE RECORD: At no point was compensation ever mentioned or made mandatory.
Shortly before today, the advances started getting more than I could tolerate and I put the proverbial "Foot Down" right in the middle of the mess. SInce then and to this I have received little communication. WHen I do it is often peppered with thinly veiled references to his not getting what he wants and how mad he was and how it was unfair that "everyone else" has had it.
Cut to scene: Afternoon on line chatting
DD: I wish my mood was better, thats why I havent tried to come down no way do I want to be around any one th (at could be influenced ny my mood in and bad one too paraphrase whole quote missing)
ME: i don't let you have that effect on me hence i don't rub from you when you aer down
DD: its good that you dont.
ME:
> i notice it is your prmary defense mechanism you make to where no one spends > enough time around you to hurt you by msaking them dread your moofd
DD: only get into a mood when guys like Doug reel me in make me feel on top of things again and then when I say no to something or I feel that the need of sex is needed for my well being I get shot down as some old freak now its cool for others to fuck around get all the dick and ass they can find but let try for it or even have someone over it hard on me . its hard being a Freak
ME: [And I would put up with it no longer...]
Part Two: "It was a Stupid Ass Root!"
The Dwindlelands for Darkshine Doug part Two
AKA "It was a Stupid Ass Root!"
Well, hmmm! I (only from my personal observations) have seen that once the point turns up the heat you get an air of disregard for the interest or willingness of said person to participate and sort of force yourself on them. Not in a rape kind og way. Don't get it twisted! But more like a "You owe me. Now, pay up!" auto-pilot kind of way. Not only is it intrinsically disrespectful to be like that, if one pays attention, there has been made mention by one of these "Doug-like" people (BTW excellent use of someone's name as an insult) that identical circumstances occurred the last time he was raped. Alhough I am sure they all appreciate the "kindness" you shower on them, topping off dessert with a hefty helping of "over-zealous sexual advances" is one surefire way to relegate al your caring and efforts to the level of a petty charade bent on bedding the recipient.
Now, all this, of course, has been "hypothetical." No one really does that. Besides, you know better than that with me after we had the discussion about my innate prejudice towards obesity. the one where I spoke of how I felt bad for getting mad at my sister. How I had no good reason to feel the way that I did, but i hated it, right?
We both know, if something like that were to come to pass, iIwould be forced, this time by you, to re-evaluate the entire situation with the "Father of Evils" himself (as is his crown these days) and start to lend at least some reasonable doubt, if not full creedence, to his version of the events. Alas! That would mean my pride and emotions got in the way of my infallible judgment, and we simply cannot accept that.
Finally, (You will note the excellent structure to this theory. Yet another hopefully distinguishing characteristic that I bear.) as for references to all with whom the possibly aforementioned person may or may not have had "relations," including ,but not restricted to, names, dates, lovations, and also the qualities, quantities, and frequencies therein associated, are (and this point is paramount) of absolutely no influential bearing when the likelyhood for this person to let you fuck him is determined Now, I hope no one gets a wild hair up the provernial appendage and decides they were going to punish this theoretical guy for voicing his opinion. Maybe this would include attempting to, let us say, demonize and defame this person. Maybe befriending someone he hates and attempting to fuck him as a way of punishing this person for theorizing.....That would just not do.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury have you reached a verdict?
Part One: "What had been happen"
Well, hmmm! I (only from my personal observations) have seen that once the point turns up the heat you get an air of disregard for the interest or willingness of said person to participate and sort of force yourself on them. Not in a rape kind og way. Don't get it twisted! But more like a "You owe me. Now, pay up!" auto-pilot kind of way. Not only is it intrinsically disrespectful to be like that, if one pays attention, there has been made mention by one of these "Doug-like" people (BTW excellent use of someone's name as an insult) that identical circumstances occurred the last time he was raped. Alhough I am sure they all appreciate the "kindness" you shower on them, topping off dessert with a hefty helping of "over-zealous sexual advances" is one surefire way to relegate al your caring and efforts to the level of a petty charade bent on bedding the recipient.
Now, all this, of course, has been "hypothetical." No one really does that. Besides, you know better than that with me after we had the discussion about my innate prejudice towards obesity. the one where I spoke of how I felt bad for getting mad at my sister. How I had no good reason to feel the way that I did, but i hated it, right?
We both know, if something like that were to come to pass, iIwould be forced, this time by you, to re-evaluate the entire situation with the "Father of Evils" himself (as is his crown these days) and start to lend at least some reasonable doubt, if not full creedence, to his version of the events. Alas! That would mean my pride and emotions got in the way of my infallible judgment, and we simply cannot accept that.
Finally, (You will note the excellent structure to this theory. Yet another hopefully distinguishing characteristic that I bear.) as for references to all with whom the possibly aforementioned person may or may not have had "relations," including ,but not restricted to, names, dates, lovations, and also the qualities, quantities, and frequencies therein associated, are (and this point is paramount) of absolutely no influential bearing when the likelyhood for this person to let you fuck him is determined Now, I hope no one gets a wild hair up the provernial appendage and decides they were going to punish this theoretical guy for voicing his opinion. Maybe this would include attempting to, let us say, demonize and defame this person. Maybe befriending someone he hates and attempting to fuck him as a way of punishing this person for theorizing.....That would just not do.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury have you reached a verdict?
Part One: "What had been happen"
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Jesus Save Dems Cheerins!
I had an interesing weekend. Out-of-Towners. Ex-boyfriends. Mayhap meetings. Epiphanies. I mean that shit was packed to the hilt with revelation and the ridiculous. I swiftly got over the whole thing with my pseudo-ex that my roommate currently feeds drugs and porks (well mostly over.) I kinda look at it like, "Why the fuck do I care? I honestly don't want either. Why can't they get to churchin?" I mean, of course, I had a crush on Chris, but I never loved him really. I was more enrapt in a relatively cute POZ boy's presence. We are not really compatible and live in two different worlds. I think I honestly was more upset overall because I wanted to be picked even if I had no intentions of any real follow through. Sick. I know. Oh, well! Hey, at least I know the truth of the matter. The roommate and Chris also silently owned up to their share of responsibililty. At that point, I could continue to make everyone miserable, in effect ruinin my living situstion, or grown the fuck up, get over myself for one hot mess minute, ands apologize for my transgressions. It got me to thinking. I always say I try to be the better man, but do I really do that. Am I telling this to myself and others to convince all involved of a lie. Kinda felt like it so I am correcting things in that arena. First step was to actually let o of this roomie issue for a greater good.
So, this is twisted. Scene
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Last Willing Testament
Being of Sound State of Mind
Current mood: 
Category: Life
Now we all know that is a lie. But it is close enough for government work.
Sissy: I love you so much! Always remember that. Tell "Kieran" that I will always watch for his star on the horizon of our lives. Tell the Dark Poet that he better take care of you or I will cut his ass when you guys "come up." Remember that none of my fuck-ups were ever your fault. No one can be the savior for anyone beyond themselves
without sacrificing themselves in the end. Those of us smart enough will save the martyrs before it comes to all that. Kisses and love from up above.
Bro Bro: I am sorry I caused you all these years of pain. I know you deserve better, but I don't know how to make it better for you anymore than I know how to love myself. You deserve the best in the world and you need to stop letting fear stop you from reaching out and grabbing it. Get out from the nest and take to the skies my Beautiful Brother.
Mama and Diddy: God, I do not even know where to begin with you two. I am sorry is a good start. You deserve to have had a better son than I seem capable of providing. I wanted to be your superstar. The boy you bragged about but something in me wanted to see us all in pain more than I was able to defeat. So, if you have it in you please forgive the Fallen Star. I cannot put into words all the things I would shange if given the chance, but we know what they are. My disaster of a life is not your fault and please frogive yourself for all the things you bear of your hearts with regards to me. I love you both very much. I always wanted you guys to be so proud of me, but it seems that was not in the fateful deal for me this go around.
Sebern: The first real love I ever was to know. I will always harbor feelings for you that I cannot possibly stifle. In these last few days, I thought I could drown them out like you always could. I was wrong. The hurt I felt after we spent the night together was indescribable and partly what has lead me to this point. I know you are not capable or responsible for showing me the light in this world. It was immature of me to expect this of you and worse than childish to punish you for failing to do so. You have honestly given me the most loving days of my life with a man by my side and I want you to have remember that in the years to come. You can love amazingly and deserve the same in kind. I love you like no other man in my life. So much so that I cannot have you a part of my world without excruciating pain. So, to avoid this for of us both,.I need to be away from you. Sorry that I was such a painful part of your life. Please forgive me one day.
DJ: All these years and the faithful friend you were always. I never thanked you for being so strong through all the times I could not be. In hindsight, I realize this was most of our days. You stood for and by me when I did not remotely deserve it. You were took beatings in the landscape of our friendship no one should endure all the while allowing me to delude myself about the location that fault lay because you thought it was better you take on hurts I simply could not or would not grasp. Why you did these things with no reward will eternally elude me. Nonetheless, I love you for it. You will make a guy very happy one day, if he ever lets you. Keep that chin above water, Denita. I want to meet you in the light one day and sit on the porch in our rocking chairs.
Shane: I love you for all the innumerable lessons you have taught mme with purpose and by accident. I hate that you were born a decade to late for me to expolore all the possibilities of a life with you in it. Then again, who is to say we ever would hae met each other if one second were different? I will miss your light bulb eyes and cat-o-nine-tails wit that cracked across the soundscaped minds of onlookers. Yuo are a man beyond his years and bewilder by his own fears. Step up before you step down like I must.
Chenoa: I was never much of a friend to you and for this I truly apologize. You always stood by me when I was in pain regardless of how I would lash out at you for doing so. For that, you deserve the Purple Heart of Friendship. For injuries obtained in the line of duty. I love you like a sister. Wish I could have given you half of what you gave me. You need to love you as mush as you loved me and the world will bend over backwards for you with just desserts upon its breast.
NightBright Clint: I cannot seem to vacalize the words to put you in a tangible place for me. You have been one of my three wise men since the second weekend I was there. In you, I also saw a lot of the human I could never see in myself. You remnded me that no matter how sensitive or well-adjusted I think someone may be, they are suceptible to all the downfalls that we all are.. For severaI reasons beyond my influence, you have been hurt in front oif me and I have been able to do little to help you. Do not think I have not seen you and your pain. I just simply have no idea what you do for a person you hold in esteem above yourself. Hope that makes sense. Remember you brought light and laughter into my world at times when no one else could.
Darkshine: To those who brightly shine, you must seems a black spot in the world they illuminate. I disagree. In my world, you are the simple balance. Neither good nor bad. I am sure hatred dances eassly with love in your world as it does in my eyes. I do not curse you for the role you played in my life, for we all know our place in the grand scheme is not to be innately good nor evil just our place. I am glad you showed me, in Dark Mirror, the tyruly nasty side of my soul. The dirty ugly man I try so hard to hide and no one wants to trukt acknowledge exists. I can no longer hide from him. I must clean him up or live alongside him from here forward. Thiswas a great perception clarifier. One nobody else could have provided.
Robert B.: I wish things had not played out the way they did. We both made false steps. In the end, I take responsibiity for your descent into chaos and crazy. Had I never said or done half the things I have, I would likely not have one-quarter these problems I do today. I am trying to learn not to attempt to find salvation in the souls of others. This is a lesson you taught me and for this I thank you. Now time and practice alone would have had held thepurest of truth for me in that regard. I geuss you know little abut your time until you run out. HIV taught mr that. You need to learn from me to not find solace in the powdered wings of addictive angels. Look to my end to find the reasons this rings true. Do not find in you the monster thst resides in me when it is too late. Save you, boy. I could not save me or you. I do not know the path to light anymore than I knew the strength you hold inside. Touch the end light for me one day and tell me how it feels when it all is done. Only way I truly may find it in the end I underestand. I will be a good guy if i can one day. You should go there too.
Country Chris: I am so sorry for even tempting you with the toxic light of my love. I feel like I poisoned you by doing so. You are a kind and loving creature. I may be wrong and in recent hours this fear truly pounds at the walls of my heart. I have to believe you are not mean and unkind of heart. I have to put faith in the likelyhood that only my hurtful graze has brouight you to this path of being. I want to see r=the bright light of life on your lips again like I used to before when in your eyes and touch the world shined btight and new for me like a breath of cold air of a hot summer night. I hurt so much right now with regret and remorse over our demise that I mistakenly usherred into existence with no regard for either of our better days. My fear of hurt, which it is obvious was not even delayed, brought to me swift and callous actions that I should have seen to stop a lifetime ago. Please forgive me my trespasses with my passage and remember to always show in all clarity love if in you it truly resides. We lost ones must have it to survive no matter how needy it makes us seem. Life does not allow for second chances often these days and therefore you need to do right quickly and the first time around. You are innately good and this will steer your soul better than I am sure you comprehend.
You all needed to hear these things from my heart. I think too often in life we don't tell people how we feel and it is too late to tell themwhen we finally have the styrength. I wanted to make sure no one misses the things I had to say at this point. If you are not on the list, it is not a sign of your worth, simply an indication taht I am not having many regrets over you at this moment. But hey is not life a moment to moment dance where the steps and tempo change as rapidly as our desire to dance?
Louis John Casinelli, Jr.
You Are So Not Worth The Trip To The Mall
I truly do not comprehend why I even bother anymore.... I hate myself so much that I cannot even begin to put it into words. I know people think this is ridiculous and say that it is stupid of me to even care. It does not matter. You got learn that those of in this predicament often times are well aware but for some ungodly reason cannot even begin to fix it alone. I know this is me, but I cannot imagine how to put someone through the pain of helping me get better. I destroy everyone and everything that gets in my path. I am not even sure why I try to look for love in others when I will instinctively destroy it. I destroy myself as well. Little by little with each and every person I hurt or break. I learn to see more of the monster in the mirror and less of the lost child who never grew up.
Right now this guy I had a huge crush on is sitting in my living room with my hateful ass "roommate." In more ways than humans should know, I feel pain. This, for both men, is meant as a personal attack on me. I know I am a loser. I know I fucking have no good reason to be respected or cared about except through blood obligations and even then barely... To wake up each day with no fucking hopeful horizon is the most bleak lonely feeling in the world... I just want someone to hold me when I am crying and to love me when I am lost ands hurtful. To grab my fists hen I lash out and say it may not be "alright" but they are gonna be there anyways. I know somethings I do appear mean and heartless, but Christ people don't you see a cry for help in those acid laced words carried across the room. I have no one to hide in when I hurt. No place to shelter me from me. It is awful and I do not know where to go or what to do to fix it all. I keep having those tearing thoughts in my soul that remind me there is a way out over and under. I hate that place. I hate that voice in the dark soothing the end-stepping. I do not went to die but I do not know anywhere else to go sometimes and I have no hand to hold onto to show me the light that makes it better. I want to get better and be better but how do I find a place I have never been to without a map. Everyone punishes me but no one says, "Hey there guy in the shadows, want to know the way to the light before it is too late?" How can you condemn before you help? Really help some if you think they are wrong. It is no better to punish a person you never really tried to help than to be the person who did the wrong....
God Damn it!! Someone come hold me. Someone tell me how it gets good in this all-too-bad. I need to know the sun will rise on my soul. I need to know that no matter how bad a person I have been that I can get better too and that someone will love me one day. What is the point of it all if that is not true? And if it is not, what do I do? Kill myself? Or just that little corner of me that is the eternal optimist? The one thing that keeps me from poisoning your coffee or slashing your tires. I hate that I cannot even be mad at someone who wrongs me because I have already wronged them. I hate that I feel I deserve this shit. Where do I get to start saying, "hey I have paid my debts, leave me alone!"? I do not have the strength left in me to be this monster anymore. It is only a matter of relatively little time before he wins and takes over entirely or I take control and end this life before he takes it from me.
Someone please love me enough to help me. I know I have not given you reason to do so, but God please help me. I do not want to be a monster anymore. I cannot hate me like this much longer. It hurts more than you will ever imagine It is so dark and alone and cold. No soul should hav eto endure this fire forever. Not sure it CAN. It is times like this i wish I had a god to believe in to know that it will be ok one day no matter what just because he says so. That I could just have faith and he will fix t all. Maybe that is why my soul hurts because this elusive "god" thing is so far from comprehensible to me. Someone has to have the answers for this lost soul or at least a clue.
I am not killing myself to day readers so worry not I just have to get the exact instant of feelings out of my heart for maybe nothing more than a frozen memory in the future when I look back on this day. Cold, frozen, and bitter. I will figure this out I hope. If not, I will miss you all. Say hello to the monster next you see him.
Right now this guy I had a huge crush on is sitting in my living room with my hateful ass "roommate." In more ways than humans should know, I feel pain. This, for both men, is meant as a personal attack on me. I know I am a loser. I know I fucking have no good reason to be respected or cared about except through blood obligations and even then barely... To wake up each day with no fucking hopeful horizon is the most bleak lonely feeling in the world... I just want someone to hold me when I am crying and to love me when I am lost ands hurtful. To grab my fists hen I lash out and say it may not be "alright" but they are gonna be there anyways. I know somethings I do appear mean and heartless, but Christ people don't you see a cry for help in those acid laced words carried across the room. I have no one to hide in when I hurt. No place to shelter me from me. It is awful and I do not know where to go or what to do to fix it all. I keep having those tearing thoughts in my soul that remind me there is a way out over and under. I hate that place. I hate that voice in the dark soothing the end-stepping. I do not went to die but I do not know anywhere else to go sometimes and I have no hand to hold onto to show me the light that makes it better. I want to get better and be better but how do I find a place I have never been to without a map. Everyone punishes me but no one says, "Hey there guy in the shadows, want to know the way to the light before it is too late?" How can you condemn before you help? Really help some if you think they are wrong. It is no better to punish a person you never really tried to help than to be the person who did the wrong....
God Damn it!! Someone come hold me. Someone tell me how it gets good in this all-too-bad. I need to know the sun will rise on my soul. I need to know that no matter how bad a person I have been that I can get better too and that someone will love me one day. What is the point of it all if that is not true? And if it is not, what do I do? Kill myself? Or just that little corner of me that is the eternal optimist? The one thing that keeps me from poisoning your coffee or slashing your tires. I hate that I cannot even be mad at someone who wrongs me because I have already wronged them. I hate that I feel I deserve this shit. Where do I get to start saying, "hey I have paid my debts, leave me alone!"? I do not have the strength left in me to be this monster anymore. It is only a matter of relatively little time before he wins and takes over entirely or I take control and end this life before he takes it from me.
Someone please love me enough to help me. I know I have not given you reason to do so, but God please help me. I do not want to be a monster anymore. I cannot hate me like this much longer. It hurts more than you will ever imagine It is so dark and alone and cold. No soul should hav eto endure this fire forever. Not sure it CAN. It is times like this i wish I had a god to believe in to know that it will be ok one day no matter what just because he says so. That I could just have faith and he will fix t all. Maybe that is why my soul hurts because this elusive "god" thing is so far from comprehensible to me. Someone has to have the answers for this lost soul or at least a clue.
I am not killing myself to day readers so worry not I just have to get the exact instant of feelings out of my heart for maybe nothing more than a frozen memory in the future when I look back on this day. Cold, frozen, and bitter. I will figure this out I hope. If not, I will miss you all. Say hello to the monster next you see him.
Friday, November 24, 2006
Though We Dance Alone
We dance the same steps. I learned this while talking to one of my three Wise Men of Charlotte. They are the guys I have trusted to have a care for my being while I am residing here. He was relaying to me how a guy he spent 10 months trying to have nothing but a fuck buddy relationship with in spite of the insistence of said boy that they date. The Wiseman, having been through decades of on again off again relationship with Heartbreak, was guarded and understandably reticent about getting in a relationship with anyone that consisting of anything more than sex and hanging out. Over the course of the ensuing months the whole situation started to wear at the fortifications that he had built haphazardly around his heart. Finally after all that time, Wednesday night the he said the magic the words that he had been denying this boy for ten months. In that moment, I saw so much of the romantic in me. (Of course, his was not bearing torture scars and currently stored in an unnamed closet in my heart.) And as I also knew that this was a bad story, I turned to that bitch locked in the closet and said, "Look at his face. That is why we keep you too starved to move!"
Well, the aforementioned bastard, ignored my friend for a week. When in worry from his own admittance and in my opinion a bit of comprehensible desperation, he showed up at the guy's house. Very adult. I would have blown that bitch's car up lol. And as if Aaron Spelling himself had orchestrated the event, a casually dressed guy answers the door. Swiftly after which, Bastard intervenes. he explains that he had been avoiding Wiseman because did want to own up to having returned to his ex-boyfriend. Freeze Frame! Yes, this in and of itself, is some shitback mess. Oh, but let us watch as the Fates go in for the kill... Flash! Inside head of Wiseman: EX-BOYFRIEND!!! There was never an indication that one of those existed!
Now, audience, this is from the man who has for months professed the undying L-word to which Wiseman kept his stoic platonic face. I cannot imagine the embarrassment that is parachuting tandem with Self-Hate and their cousins right into the soul of the vulnerable Wiseman. You know I think most people would think that he could not be very wise if he fell prey to this guys. Quite the contrary. I think it takes more bravery to attempt again at something that failed the first and every try since.
Here is the crux. I place my Wisemen above me each in their own rights. I know that for whatever reason I chose them they are superior to me in that aspect of life. Now, I have made the fatal mistake of imbuing them with superhuman infallibility. They are wise in their assignrf areas but nonetheless human. One wise man falls prey to love's adder. Another acts like a spoiled child who believes the world revolves around him, and the third has a sex addiction Heidi Fleiss would be hard pressed to contain. They are humans. Innately flawed by birthright. Humans are born to make mistakes, learn, and grow. In either better or worse, growth is their imperative and privilege. I like that idea. Kind of humbling in its simply ubiversality. No cultural means or social dynamic can stop or undermine that one simple principle. I am no better nor am I any worse than you at being human.
Or so I wanted to think. Then Zarathustra came and spoke. That on another day.
Well, the aforementioned bastard, ignored my friend for a week. When in worry from his own admittance and in my opinion a bit of comprehensible desperation, he showed up at the guy's house. Very adult. I would have blown that bitch's car up lol. And as if Aaron Spelling himself had orchestrated the event, a casually dressed guy answers the door. Swiftly after which, Bastard intervenes. he explains that he had been avoiding Wiseman because did want to own up to having returned to his ex-boyfriend. Freeze Frame! Yes, this in and of itself, is some shitback mess. Oh, but let us watch as the Fates go in for the kill... Flash! Inside head of Wiseman: EX-BOYFRIEND!!! There was never an indication that one of those existed!
Now, audience, this is from the man who has for months professed the undying L-word to which Wiseman kept his stoic platonic face. I cannot imagine the embarrassment that is parachuting tandem with Self-Hate and their cousins right into the soul of the vulnerable Wiseman. You know I think most people would think that he could not be very wise if he fell prey to this guys. Quite the contrary. I think it takes more bravery to attempt again at something that failed the first and every try since.
Here is the crux. I place my Wisemen above me each in their own rights. I know that for whatever reason I chose them they are superior to me in that aspect of life. Now, I have made the fatal mistake of imbuing them with superhuman infallibility. They are wise in their assignrf areas but nonetheless human. One wise man falls prey to love's adder. Another acts like a spoiled child who believes the world revolves around him, and the third has a sex addiction Heidi Fleiss would be hard pressed to contain. They are humans. Innately flawed by birthright. Humans are born to make mistakes, learn, and grow. In either better or worse, growth is their imperative and privilege. I like that idea. Kind of humbling in its simply ubiversality. No cultural means or social dynamic can stop or undermine that one simple principle. I am no better nor am I any worse than you at being human.
Or so I wanted to think. Then Zarathustra came and spoke. That on another day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
