Deep or Deep Fried?

So, I was sitting here thinking. Why is it that I, who having done little in way of greater good, seem to have been blessed with this overbearing and inate ability to shine. It seems like I am a meteor shooting into people's lives (thanks for that one Clem.) They tend to get all wrapped up in my presence. Not to say that at times I have not thoroughly enjoyed this mysterious "power." I have to admit that I have even abused it at times. Now, I feel this drive to use it for greater good and it is odd to me. I don't want to fail. I want to help as many people as I can. Yes, part of me wants to find solice in knowing I have done SOMETHING good with my life. I have never really felt as happy in my life as when I know I have done something "selfless" for another. Mostly, these acts are done secretly. With that magnetic attention thing I get, I have always had to maintain an image of power. And for so many years, I saw those good acts as a sign of weakness in the eyes of others, who invariably were waiting in the wings to rip me to shreds. I just want to be a good man. And with my mortality having been thrown in my face with HIV, I realize maybe I haven't given many people a good reason to remember me as a good man. They say shoot for the stars and maybe you will reach the moon when you fall short. I figure I will try to become a great man and maybe I will end up as a good one in the end.

Did someone call Clementine?

I figger I gotta add an obligatory picture...

A Visit to the Doctor

I love my hospital. LOL I went in for a check up and got some shots. Vaccines. Influenza and the first installment of Hepatitis A & B. Didn't hurt as bad as I thought. My doctor makes me smile. She is always prompt and very well versed in my disease. I know a lot of people are afraid of going to the doctor. Particularly, many are terrified of going to find out if they are HIV+ or not. Personally, I was terrified to go to the doctor after I found out I was positive, because somewhere in my too-smart-for-my-own-good mind, going to the doctor and seeking treatment made it real. If I felt well and ignored it surely it must just go away, right? But now that I am being treated at the Medical University of South Carolina, my life my days are so much better. I don't have (as often) those nagging fears of slowly rotting away to a corpse. I learned the liberating feeling of taking control of my life. It took me SO MANY mistakes and life lessons to get in there and get going but now I wouldn't change it for anything. I feel so bad for those I know, friends and acquaintances both, that won't seek testing or treatment. "What difference can it make?", I hear. All the difference in the world. I love my hospital.

The Princess Groom

So, another interesting chapter of my life will be reopened this week. My phone has been a lifeline to the odd. I have been getting phone calls from people who i have not heard from or considered very unlikely from which to hear. The Princess Groom, Pinkles, and Mr. Unrequited just to mention a few. Strange that when i lock myself away like a gay shaven-headed Runpuntzel, I am suddenly reached in the hermit's cave by these people. Not that any of them are bad. Just never expected the call for most or the content for others. I spend my days with well planned treatments and dealing with side effects. I download phat ass music and dance in my chair. Rereading chapters of my life trapped in mangled metaphors I dare call prose. This blog is my lil peek-a-boo delve into the world where those who don't know me can tour my twisted lil mind like a torture museum and those who know me might be able to get a more honest look inside.

Eternal Sunshine

So, my ex calls me after having drank tonight. He wants to know why he is sad all the time. He tells me he wants me to hold him like i used to do. Not sure how I feel about this stuff. He has historically had a habit of calling me when he felt down just so that he could feel better about himself. I still love him but I don't think I want to be with him anymore. Who knows maybe one day. I am far from spotless minded. It is way past my bedtime so I am gonna leave it at that for the time being.

Orions's Army

...the Revolution is at hand...