The Temptation of a Malicious Messiah....

I decided, tonight, that I really like Ty. I have no problem saying that without reservation. For a little while now, I have wondered whether I did, or if I was simply intrigued by an equal. Then, something happened. A choice was given me. I would like to say it was difficult, but that would connote that I was hesitant, or that I truly contemplated this alternative. I didn't. I did think a good bit, but not as you would imagine. I thought and said actually to my roommate this: Ty should be glad I like him so much.

Then, it struck me. Wow! I am mad digging on this guy. Strange how you come to accept or realize these things. I knew something was up between us. I knew I felt abnormally comfortable with him. I was aware that I was choosing to ignore the inate sense that I was where I should be. I chose not to dig deeper into the reasoning behind it. At the same time, I kept a certain reserve because of issues I had. Maybe fears that I THINK he has.

On his birthday, he seemed to have had some strange epiphany. The way he looked at me was amazing. His eyes shone brighter than I have seen before. We didn't speak much. I just lied on the couch my head on his chest our legs entwined and listened to his heartbeat. I felt safe and calm. And in my world, those are commodities that I come by rarely. The movie rolled by in a brilliant technicolor of white noise. I was enraptured in the moment which ended all too fast, but I had this feeling that it must. Like I wanted to be away from the perfection of it before I had time to fuck it up.

He makes me happy. Though it is early, I am content with where things seem to be headed. I am practicing a great degree of restraint in so many ways when it comes to "us." I want it (if it IS) to be right and unadulterated. I want my next voyage in those murky waters to be smooth and well-guided. Be it with him or another, and I am willing to wait the tides. But I can't help but think, as this ship breaks the horizon, that it may be mine. So, wish me safe sailing and may the wind be at my back. This Messiah has declared a good bit of faith in his beliefs.

In the Spirit of Christmas

To the weak of heart or the strong of faith this link is not recommended. To the sick, twisted community I have grown to love, I offer you one of the best yet in a perverse world:

http://www.divine-interventions.com

Enjoy!

Speaking of Overboard...

I found this little tidbit on another guy's blog butI had to post it here. http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgebushdrunk.mov

Now, pee your pants with me Won Mo Gain!

A Little Overboard

I know, but they are fun. For whatever they are worth, they seem dead on at times and way off at others. I would like to see what people who know me think of them in respect to their personal views of me. That would be intriguing.

Just wierd.

Your Hidden Talent

You are both very knowledgeable and creative. You tend to be full of new ideas and potential - big potential. Ideas like yours could change the world, if you build them. As long as you don't stop working on your dreams, you'll get there.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Well yeah....

Arty Kid

Whether you were a drama freak or an emo poet, you definitely were expressive and unique. You're probably a little less weird these days - but even more talented!

Who Were You In High School?

Damn close. Precise even.

Your Personality Is

Rational (NT) You are both logical and creative. You are full of ideas. You are so rational that you analyze everything. This drives people a little crazy! Intelligence is important to you. You always like to be around smart people. In fact, you're often a little short with people who don't impress you mentally. You seem distant to some - but it's usually because you're deep in thought. Those who understand you best are fellow Rationals. In love, you tend to approach things with logic. You seek a compatible mate - who is also very intelligent. At work, you tend to gravitate toward idea building careers - like programming, medicine, or academia. With others, you are very honest and direct. People often can't take your criticism well. As far as your looks go, you're coasting on what you were born with. You think fashion is silly. On weekends, you spend most of your time thinking, experimenting with new ideas, or learning new things.

The Three Question Personality Test

And this concludes today's Class.

You are an Atheist

When it comes to religion, you're a non-believer (simple as that). You prefer to think about what's known and proven. You don't need religion to solve life's problems. Instead, you tend to work things out with logic and philosophy.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

BINGO! We have a winner.

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires. And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek. You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships. It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

What are going to do today Brain?

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

How Machiavellian Are You?

Architect. Damn it! Ever since 8th Grade.

Your Career Type: Investigative

You are precise, scientific, and intellectual. Your talents lie in understanding and solving math and science problems. You would make an excellent: Architect - Biologist - Chemist Dentist - Electrical Technician - Mathematician Medical Technician - Meteorologist - Pharmacist Physician - Surveyor - Veterinarian The worst career options for your are enterprising careers, like lawyer or real estate agent.

What's Your Ideal Career?

Well if they say so...

Your IQ Is 135

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Genius

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

But I Like Orange....

Your Blog Should Be Green

Your blog is smart and thoughtful - not a lot of fluff. You enjoy a good discussion, especially if it involves picking apart ideas. However, you tend to get easily annoyed by any thoughtless comments in your blog.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

Ain't that the Truth?

Your World View

You are a happy, well-balanced person who likes people and is liked by others. You question whether many conventional views on morality are valid under all circumstances. You are essentially a content person. Sometimes, you consider yourself a little superior. You are moral by your own standards. You believe that morality is what best suits the occasion.

What Is Your World View?

HMMM!

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You tend to give more than take in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You are fickle and tend to fall out of love easily. You bounce from romance to romance.

How Are You In Love?

You're getting Warmer!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Not sure I agree with this one ... ENTIRELY.

Your Birthdate: January 20

You are a virtual roller coaster of emotions, and most people enjoy the ride. Your mood tends to set the tone of the room, and when you're happy, this is a good thing. When you get in a dark mood, watch out - it's very hard to get you out of it. It's sometimes hard for you to cheer up, and your gloom can be contagious. Your strength: Your warm heart Your weakness: Trouble controlling your emotions Your power color: Black Your power symbol: Musical note Your power month: February

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Is this my Brain? Maybe.

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy. You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts. People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused. But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

HeHe .... Shhhhh!

You're a Playful Kisser

Kissing is a huge game for you, a way to flirt and play You're the first one to suggest playing spin the bottle at a party Or you'll go for the wild kiss during a game of truth or dare And you're up for kissing any sexy stranger if the mood is right!

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Aaaaw!

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul. You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have. Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone. You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

How Is Your Inner Child?

Surprise!

Happy Birthday to Ty Caston. from Lou and Shiela!!!

One Trick Pony

Nelly Furtado has struck a chord with me today. I am listening to the CD my friend gave me spontaneously one night on the way to drop me off at home. Trying to sort through the recent events of my life. You know xmas, pagans, and poets. Suddenly appearing people. The ones that haven't spoke to you in so long, but now that Christmas has rolled around they want to call you. Rapidly disappearing people. The ones that at the time were so important to you for reasons often you don't quite understand. Slowly blossoming people. The ones that who are hesitant to crawl from their safety zones to catch a ride on a comet. Then, I wonder what kind of person I am and to whom? I am Swift to a friend or Lackadaisical to a family member.

"I don't want to be your babygirl. I don't want to be your little world. I just wanna be what's best for me. Wind it down with my own star. I got my own sun." Now, part of that may be a little off in the middle. I had a hard time deciphering it. But the jist is there. I know part of being a great man is being cognizant of the way you are affecting those around you. Making one's best effort to be a positive force in the lives of those around you while not compromising your core value system. Cannot say I have mastered that trick yet. Working on it though. I found the things I do FOR strangers to be better learning tools than the things I do TO my friends and family. Not sure why I feel that distinction had to be made, but it felt right.

I asked a new friend of mine why he believes in God. At first, he looked perplexed. I told him that even though he knows I am atheist, I was genuinely curious. See I never once felt that there was anything there. And when I tried to force it because everyone else seemed to really be THERE, I felt like a fraud. So, he says, when he looks at the love his family has he can't imagine that it would die. That he wants to believe that there is somewhere that it goes onto in the end. I said that is just fear of losing something precious. Which I can understand. He said he knows that some people think that humans need it as a way of dealing. That faith is helpful. I have faith, though. I have faith in something much more difficult to believe in than an infallible perfect being that never has to be proven. I have faith in humanity. With all her flaws and strengths. With all her evils and wrong-doings. I still have faith that everyone has good in them. Or at least that they don't really WANT to hurt, hate, or destroy from birth. I have always fostered a way of looking at people's actions as motivated more by secrets inside them than the things they show. Or maybe I just speak for myself....

Hehe This is My-Ty

Hazardous Chemistry?

I recently, uh, today, had to decide that if one of my friends can't, won't, or does want to live his life right, I cannot be his friend. I have tried to be a good example. I have tried to be the protective father figure. The older brother. The affectionate, but platonic ex-boyfriend. All with the hopes of giving this kid hope that he has a future. He has a world to look forward to. He doesn't see it. I can understand. Of all the people around him, I have been furthest don't the road he is on currently. I have watched friends die, seen strangers killed, watched drugs ruin friendships, families, and lives. I know that it is a hard place. I know the drugs are so fucking appealing when you are lost, no one wants to be there, or when the loneliness feels so over-whelming that is no logical reason to go on in this world. I have attempted suicide twice. It didn't cure shit. I have run the passive suicide game of "I am not TRYING to over dose on drugs, BUT...." Not once did I think twice to listen to those who loved me. I validated it as they just don't understand. They have not seen or been where I have. With this kid that simply just fails to work. I been way worse off than him. So, I have taken the approach of trying not to lecture, but say, "Hey, I have been there. It is nothing but shit and destruction. Please listen to me." Invariably, it works for a second or two. Until, one of the cooler, younger friends is out shitfaced or he thinks how badly he wants a bf and I know that I can't be that for him. Then, it is off to the stupidity, drug-abuse, random sex, and self-deprecation. Part of this is to punish me. I know it is. And it kinda works. I feel like there should be something I can do to save him. That if I just did that or just try this. No. Never. I cannot change this kid. He has all the information. He CHOOSES to be toxic to himself and others. I always told him if someone is toxic you need to get rid of them in order to be healthy and maintain your self-respect. Well campers, there is an age old saying. PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH. And I will. I am done. If I want to stay on the mindfully healthy track I am on I have to say goodbye. It breaks my heart to let go of a friend. Goodbye, Shane. Call me when you find your way again.

Who is Huckleberry Hound? Part IV

So, since then, I have lived in Charleston. My sister has moved to Knoxville, TN. I have had my ups and downs, but she has always been a phone call away. The last major fall from grace I had she said something that will always stay with me. She said, "I am not even getting myself worked up and worried this time. You have soared and dived a hundred times in your life, and some way or another, you always find your wings and fly higher than before." This was over pizza and a rude little waitress.

We live from visit to visit in this pcs-to-pcs free minutes world. Each calling each other to update with the good, the bad and the downright ugly. She keeps my chin up and my mind on the right course. We have grown so much that she knows from calling patterns what is going on in my life. Whether I am sick, misbehaving, even getting enough sleep. It is the most important relationship I have in my life. I can go to her abut anything. LOL Well, we mutually agree that the GRAPHIC details of my on again off again wild sex life be kept to a minimum. She is my princess. She is my rock. As people come and go in my life, as they oft do, she is my constant. A barometer. She helps me survive more than she will ever comprehend. I love you, Shiela. We will always have Wisconsin, bitch!

Popped my Cherry. Now where to?

Ok guys and gals. I have just started this blogging thing a few weeks ago. I am having fun and I am fostering a few ideas on exactly where I want to go with it. What I would love to do now though is take suggestions or questions about me, my life, philosophies and opinions. What do you, my few but notable readers, want to hear? What about me would intrigue you? I am an extremely frank and open person. So, aside from blatant attempts to get fuel for your personal spank bank, I will answer most anything. If someone who knows me well has any suggestions as to what stories they think the blogging populace would like to hear, let me know. Eventually, I am gonna take all the descriptors in my profile and expound on them in depth as to why I think they fit me. Maybe once a week. Not to toot my horn (Lord knows I do that enough when I am alone,) but I have led an amazingly interesting and multi-faceted life. I think that is part of what has helped me accept living with HIV quicker than my instinct to self pity may have otherwise permitted. Don't forget to check out the links to other people, friends, family, and others, that i find interesting so far. And if you would like to be added let me know so I can check out your blog. I am avidly searching for additional contributors to the Army's Headquarters - a site for fighting the stigma of HIV/AIDS. And, no, you do not have to be positive to join and help just passionate and sympathetic to the cause. When I get the designs done all regular contributor's will get Orion's Army shirts. Thanks for the help blogophiles.

-The Lou

A Time to Forget

So, I called my doctor Monday morning. Since I am poor, the emergency room is a last resort. The scheduling lady said the earliest I could be seen was this last Thursday at 10:30AM. If I started to run a fever of over 101 degrees fahrenheit or more or if I swoll abnormally larger in the affected areas, I was to go to the ER. So, I figgered, "Hey! I can make it a few more days." Not that I hate doctors. I love good ones. I just didn't see what the rush was when waiting would mean most of the visit would be covered under the Ryan White Grant I am on. Wednesday night, I was in terrible pain, started to run a 100 degree fever, and little if any sleep. By 8:30AM and upon finding my fever at 101 degrees, I skipped my head-shrinking appointment and went early to my doctor's appointment. I was septic. I felt like my eyeballs were being poached in my skull. Shortly after being seen, it was determined that I was to be admitted to the hospital for at the very least one night. I was immediately placed on super strength IV antibiotics, and remained on a regimen the entire time I was there. Between the fever and the pain, sleeping was not an option. I was stuck with needles at every necessity, and my IV was moved a minimum of four times. That was a chore in and of itself, since evidently even RNs are not properly trained in the "art" of doing it well. Things got better after 5PM when I got my own room. Very nice bed. I mean shit the bitch controlled the TV (built in surround sound,) called the nurse, and constantly readjusted to relieve pressure points over the whole mattress.

Good things: The drugs kept me retarded. I had one nurse that was very HOT! And the Princess Groom spent as much time as possible with me. The whole cast came to see me at one point or another. I am sooo grateful to all of them. Nobody brought outside issues to me and that was really nice. Several people took turns wheeling me out, though PG must be credited with the most miles to her card. LOL Check her newly formed BLOG out at the Sista Mary Christmas link. Sunday afternoon I got released.

All things said and done, I am still sore and having to have wounds repacked and bandaged with help. But I am going to be OK. It was one of those things you go through when you are HIV+ that scare you. You really want to keep that strong, stoic facade on for all those you care about. Don't want people feeling sorry for you or your loved ones worrying over you. So, you keep all your fears of death or disease locked inside. There is nothing worse than having a disease except watching those who care the most about you suffer along side you. I have learned to laugh at the whole thing at times and I advise those in my shoes and those who are close to those who are to do it too. Laugh. Make jokes. Do it benevolently as not to insult. But make sure you do it. Sometimes laughter is all you got left, and I am not losing that until I die.

In the Midterm...

I started to gradually develop three major staph infections. I hung out a lot with the Princess Groom. We usually have a great time. Kenyatta has been coming around and she is always great entertainment. The whole lot of us went downtown on Sunday. Walked around looking at boys and stores. I was starting to feel a little more pain in my knee, but for what I thought was ingrown hairs, it was not extremely abnormal. Afterwards, we went to the house and I bought double cheeseburgers from McDonald's for everyone. Usually, I am broke like a hobo, but this magical thing happened and a very sweet man had left me a little cash in my wallet. (AAAW! Kisses!) Of course, I spent it on them and bought cigarettes repeatedly because I had bummed in the past and some and it kinda evened out. Call me stingy but a pack goes rather swift when five or more people are all smoking out of it. I was starting to get frustrated, but the new serene Lou took it in stride. Money comes; money goes. Always been my motto anyway. Now by Monday, spats are starting. People are starting to feud over inane shit. Petty crap is started. Today, it seems, this same kindling is a roaring blaze. I just want to be friends with everyone, but I guess you can't have that many fags in one area code but for so long before you start a brush fire. I am simply not getting involved. I have to remain my new adult self and remove any temptations to be petty and/or childish. It was fun back in the day, yes, but I was an asshole and lost a lot of opportunities because of it. Some experiences. Others potential friendships or love. So, I have developed a self-preservationist attitude. My little world is still infantile and emergent. I need purity and fostering energies. Smiles and sunshine. LOL Even sound stupid saying it, but it is what I want. We shall see.

A Ty-me to Remember

So, for two weekends now (or rather Thursday through Sundays), I have been away from my residence. The first one was spent with Ty. Better known through his link. A Someone Special. I recommend that you check it out. Great writer. He had an interesting way of looking at our "relationship." And, so far, it holds true. We Yin to the other's Yang. He sees himself as kind of a dark cloud and I can see where he would think that way. I see myself more as a reluctant ray of light, but a blinding one nonetheless. As for our weekend, it was a delight. We, honestly, didn't do anything too exciting, but I was alright with that. The simple fact that I got to spend time with a man I find intriguing and nothing more than some kisses and blatant flirting was exchanged was exhilarating. He is the consummate host. Polite to a fault. We watched movies and lots of TV. This was made all the more enjoyable by hours of cuddling. He is so reserve, which is so unfamiliar to me. Yet, it is a personality trait I find myself drawn to maybe because of its inate mystery to me. He finds it odd, I think, that I can so easily strike up conversation with damned near any stranger or passer-by. He, in my opinion, has not stumbled upon that rock to stand upon. Everyone has that rock inside that can give you that strength and self-esteem or at least fake the fuck out of it. Not everyone will choose to use it. Not everyone should or even needs to do so. I must. That is the only place I find the ability to breathe above the pollution of everyday life. But it is simply another example of the Yin-Yang world in which we collide. He has problems feeling guilty about buying himself things, so I coerced him into getting a used xBox game we could play together. We are both nerds in that regard. I love it! We kicked bad guys' asses in tandem in X-Men: Legends. He was rather shocked, he tells me, at the ferocious competitiveness I harbor. I have been and always will be an Alpha male. It is in my genes. I hope it is not off putting. I just like to be the best and I also am fiercely protective of my territory. Family and friends foremost. Most of whom have expressed a certain degree of comfort that I have have their back no matter what. I did feel terrible at one point though. He bought me Christmas presents... It is gonna be a little while before I will be able to ANYONE presents. I won't say what was got but I love each and every one. He is so sweet to me. I always feel like shit when someone treats me well with monetary things when there is no way for me to return the gesture. In time. I suppose. In four days, after a lot of food, a little shopping, and much QT, I returned home happier to have been afforded the opportunity to share time with someone whom I kinda feel is rather comfortable with his routine. God knows. I am EVERYTHING but routine. So, I think everyone who a someone special should fall asleep with a smile on their faces tonight. Remember smile lines look better than frowning wrinkles when you get older....

Who is Huckleberry Hound? Part III

I was gone for six months then from the summer of 2000 to January 2K1. Our other brother is in school at USC and Huck is living her little life happily is Columbia. Twist of fate though dictates that when I return I have to return to the state but not to Columbia. Rather Charleston. A cosmopolitan little shoreside town. This still left me within a brisk two hour drive of my sister. During this time, my sister met her love of her life, married him, and lost her virginity. I stayed here for two years, went through more than a few lil "relationships," and eventually moved to Charlotte to be with my next major boyfriend. Mr. Unrequited. This is the with whom I contracted HIV. For the most part, Mr. R and I had a picture perfect relationship. Eventually and for reasons I will go into later it went sour, he left me, and I had a nervous breakdown. This resulted in a suicide attempt. While I was in a coma, my mother, Huck, and my new friend, "Joel" (not his real name) all came to see me. I know a part of my sister died that day, or maybe something was born. All I know for sure is that nothing was same after that.

I got out out of the hospital that Thursday and Joel and I decided to go to pride in Columbia on Sunday. Hopefully, we would get to hang with Huck that night. The day went perfect. Saw old friends. Brother and his man were at Pride. When Huck got off work, we went to the Alley and eventually made our way to see the Cabaret. I was my usual sideshow self and was being called on stage to be flirted with by drag queens and such. By three in the morning, I was in Richland County Jail. Yet another story for another time. And while you would think the Would-Be Suiter Joel or maybe my parents would be the unabashed savior of the day pooling for bail money, it was not the case. After seventeen days spent mostly naked in solitary confinement, it was Huck with the broken purse, the lawyer, and my freedom in her own hands. Granted I honestly did not care who did it, I wanted the fuck out. Little gay white boy plus big black mens equals a porn I am not ready to star in. After my release, I returned to Charlotte and started dating Joel. My sister liked him best because he would speak to her outside of "us" and appeared to want a personal friendship with her. I, at the time, was so glad for this because she always gets relegated to awkward positions in my relationships by the boyfriends. They know not to fuck with her because that is sacred territory, but they also have a problem with her being a private place that I can go to and over which they have no control or influence. Looking back, I wonder if Joel was just using her as a method to get info on me or keep a leash on that part of my world. Always with these insane conspiracies, I know. I say, live ten days in my soul and see if you are not looking under the carpet for Jehovah's Witnesses.

We will adjourn this part of Who is Huck? Talk at you later boys and girls.

Who is Huckleberry Hound? Part II

So, where were we? Ah, yes. I had hitchhiked and returned home again. Shortly, there after I was sideswiped by the first major love of my life. This relationship was to last three short years. My whole family had invested in this relationship with me. Being the oldest, I was the first to bring home a love. My sister at this point had already been exposed to excessive amounts of homosexuality because I was dragging her to gay bars, restaurants, and functions since the age of 16. We grew very tight. My little brother finally explored his own homosexuality at least in the social sense around this time. So, we were all kinda growing up gay together, the three of us.

Another major event that my sister and I will forever share is catching my ex in bed with another man. I broke down as well as broke half the shit in our living room. All the while, my sister demanded my pillow back from the man in my bed and proceeded to bitchslap his nude ass off the bed when he got cocky about who I was. So, as a result my whole family had to endure the pain of being hurt by an outsider. This was the first time my sister had ever seen me in love and I think it was at that point she made it her personal responsibility to protect from my own stupidity when it came to boys/men.

I left again. Couldn't stay in the same town where my future life was planned, wrecked, and thrown in my face. My sister was placed in the talented and vicious hands of my best bitch Nicole. She was school in many of the finer feminine wiles under such great tutelage. For another six months, I was with strangers in a strange land. Virginia Beach. As far as my sister was concerned and in light of the disaster I had endured this was way too far. Accordingly, when given the chance to move to Charleston (not too close to my parents; not too far from the sister) I jumped on it and return to the Cacky Lack. *Carolina for outsiders. and that will be a good stopping point for today.

I just want to add that During those three years with Mr. Infidelity, my sister and I grew inseparable. At points, people, including my bf, were extraordinarily jealous. We used to having crying coffee every Saturday. A ritual where we we go get coffee bare our souls for the week, cry to each other, and return to living with the necessary masks of aloof strength and low self-esteem based pomposity. I became the one who Huck turned to when she needed advice or a place to sneak a boy to make out with in privacy. The person she called after giving head the first time. Provided the pot to boil shrooms in the only time she did hallucinogens. I protected her from the evils of the world while not sheltering her from reality. I gave her the emotional safe haven she so oft provides me these days. I hope in our good times my ex and I provided a healthy example of love in her world regardless of the sexes of the people involved.

Who is Huckleberry Hound? Part I

Just to preface.... This may be a segmented post, as I am not totally sure where I am going with it yet. But, as the point for me is to learn more of how I feel about my sister and articulate it, I am sure this will be healthy for me.

She is perennially my best friend first and foremost. I call others my best friends at time and they do hold positions of honor, but none so high as my sister. In some ways, I fear I put too much of a demand on her because I look up to her in so many ways. She is the strength I never had. The parent I always need. The one with whom I can be, at once, dead serious about life and "cratarzy" to boot. We speak our own language. It is all about Wisconsin. She is five years my junior. Wise beyond her years. We have not always had the life affirming relationship we do today. I know this is 99% my fault. But let's go back....

Since she was little, she was always a juxtaposition of strength and weakness. In one moment, she is walking her little insubordinate ass home from kindergarten, unbeknownst to any adult, so she can swing because school was boring. Yet, at night, she would sneak into my room and sleep at the foot of my bed. I used to get so mad. LOL It was a twin bed, and I was in high school. Needless to say, I would kick her and yell until she left. Years later, I would come to find out her logical motivation was that, at least if monsters came, they would get me first. I also think even then she was kinda looking up to me and, at that point, I seemed like a protector. Those roles would reverse in later years.

Time went on. I left for college. I royally fucked up, and got into heavy drinking and drug use. Returned home. It has ALWAYS been a battle between my parents and I. So, she rarely saw me at home.

One event that I will forever punish myself for and take to my grave as an unforgivable trespass against her, was this time I was wanting to go party and get trashed with my friends. She had begged me to take her to her friends house in the opposite direction, because our parents were incapacitated with their perpetual drunk. So, being fucking self-centered as I was, I did it but it pissed me off. And when we couldn't find the place right off the bat, she was eating my time with my addictions. Well, on the way home, their is a narrow strip of road on a dirt levee across a lake with no guard rails. I am screaming and yelling at a poor 15 year old girl who is truly at no fault of her own and is now having to spend the day with our parents. She barked back at me through tears and I slammed on the brakes. The car started spinning and we almost were in the lake before it stopped. She just burst into tears and yelled at me to take her home. I had almost killed us both. We both knew it. I was shaken and scared what she would tell my parents. To this day, I don't think she said anything. I think she played it off and let me go destroy my life a little more that night. She never forgot it though. I hope she never does. She loves me still monster and all.

So, I left hitchhiking at one point. 19 I think I was. She told me later that whenever she saw Orion that she would know we could see the same sky and that meant I was safe, wherever I was. To this day, no constellation means as much as that. So, I returned home again.

And now, I am tired and this seems a good stopping point. Anybody hate me yet?

Playing catch up

Well Monday night, was an adventure. The "very sexy guy" from my previous post did call back. He asked me to dinner and a movie. Yay me! Wasn't sure it one could call it a date knowing how we queers are these days. That is until my sister called on the ride to dinner, and he said he was taking me on a date while talking to her. Why was my sister talking to him? She is very protective of me. She has to talk to all the people who show interest in me and then gives me a slightly biased but always honest and loving point of view and threatens to kill them if they hurt me. I can't remember the last time a guy took me on a date. I thought dates were like fossils they dug up in Montana somewhere and studied in labs. So, we had pretty good but extremely spicy, Thai food. At one point, we were both trying to play it cool and not chug the wine glasses of water we had so as not to alert the other our mouth were on fire. LOL I failed. When you can barely breathe and your eyes are watering terribly, you just have to give up on cool and hope they don't make too much fun of you. Afterwards, we went to see Aeon Flux. Since we are both into sci-fi, we both thought it kicked a good bit of ass. Then he took me home. No obligatory sex or anything. And you all thought chivalry was dead. Well let me tell you. If that is true, he sure kisses well for a dead man.

Spent all day yesterday in bed sick with a cold that is slowly going away, I think. I hate being sick. So, it was probably best I slept the day off. So, I got some stuff to do around the house and a shower to take. I will try to blog more later and make sure you are checking out the links to the other blogs on here. Pretty interesting people if I list them trust me.

Ex marks the spots.....

One ex. Two ex. Life a bit too complex. One love of my life came to town this weekend for some relatively insignificant straight girl's birthday. No call. I know that I should know by now not to expect much from him, but it kinda hurt that I got no acknowledgement. After all, we are supposed to still be friends, right? Maybe not. Maybe I am blowing the proverbial smoke up my own ass this time. And in time I will get that drunken, choked up, teary-eyed phone call asking why he feels so alone, and how I am the only one that brings sanity and solace to his lonely soul. I will comfort him. I am that man now. The one who has grown past my selfish little angers. Still, inside, that little boy who was once smitten twice fried dips his heart into the lake of pain for all those who I have made that promise to in the past. Can't let them down when they are in need.

Red pill. Blue pill. My stomach feels so ill. What do you do when a friend comes to you to ask for help. A friend you may have loved but mostly you always felt the urge to protect from their own self-destruction. "I want to quit drugs," with such terrorized eyes. Days later, slipping down the slope uttering lies. I betray his trust to another friend in hopes of getting help to "save." I can't save anyone. I have enough work being my own personal jesus. Drawing protective circles to keep out the toxic. Ever-expanding walls of self-preservation that invariably result in hurt feelings. Life offers no harder question then when to turn away from a person in hopes of keeping one's own ship afloat. My boat cannot bear the load of people tearing there souls out and throwing them into the bulkheads of my mind. I am tired of watching people die or betray. So, once more, I call inside myself. Wake the warrior. Stand proud with my regal armor of hodge podge beliefs and fragile self-respect. Legs bracing for a coming flood. Crying the only mantra I know. "I gotta love me."

Ty One On?

A very sexy guy. A night spent watching movies and curled up on the couch. Me cautious, him disbelieving. What a world we live in! We all live in fear of the next heartbreak or lie to protrude into our lives instead of hoping for that next ray of light to bring a rainbow. Stealing uncomfortable kisses. Wanting to believe that someone is pretentious and fake has become a regular defense. "I am not having sex with you," I affirmed. Well met with, "Never expected it." Are they gonna call whilst you prepare for the obligatory two weeks of silence that meant that the act was better than you thought. It is hard living in a world all of my own creation. Personal fears. Carefully preserved hopes. Adamant desire to be the optimist in the body of the martyr. So, I say Tie One On! A rope that is and swing down into the chasm of the unknown. It ain't as dark as we all think.

Where oh where has my little dog gone...

I miss my puppy. He lives with my parents now. I was reminded of him yesterday because he went on the candlelight vigil walk with me last year in support of World AIDS day. You can check out how my day went on the Join the Fight link. I have also had good times recently. The Princess Groom has returned to the Cackylack and we have been chillin and running around the town. I have to admit I have been nervous coming out of my shell after so long. I have been hiding for those of you who didn't know. Hiding from evil people with drugs. Hiding from evil faggots with Gucci bags and bladed tongues. Hiding from the throng of life that seems, in the past, to have perpetually swollowed me whole. But I have to come out of that cave now. I trust my friends I choose to do this with to keep me safe. I trust my sister to keep my perspective sound with her reality check stick that oh so often finds its home across my forehead. Kisses Huck. So, let's hope I am not led astray, and if I am that my Princess will yank the leash. I am excited about the future once more.

Deep or Deep Fried?

So, I was sitting here thinking. Why is it that I, who having done little in way of greater good, seem to have been blessed with this overbearing and inate ability to shine. It seems like I am a meteor shooting into people's lives (thanks for that one Clem.) They tend to get all wrapped up in my presence. Not to say that at times I have not thoroughly enjoyed this mysterious "power." I have to admit that I have even abused it at times. Now, I feel this drive to use it for greater good and it is odd to me. I don't want to fail. I want to help as many people as I can. Yes, part of me wants to find solice in knowing I have done SOMETHING good with my life. I have never really felt as happy in my life as when I know I have done something "selfless" for another. Mostly, these acts are done secretly. With that magnetic attention thing I get, I have always had to maintain an image of power. And for so many years, I saw those good acts as a sign of weakness in the eyes of others, who invariably were waiting in the wings to rip me to shreds. I just want to be a good man. And with my mortality having been thrown in my face with HIV, I realize maybe I haven't given many people a good reason to remember me as a good man. They say shoot for the stars and maybe you will reach the moon when you fall short. I figure I will try to become a great man and maybe I will end up as a good one in the end.

Did someone call Clementine?

I figger I gotta add an obligatory picture...

A Visit to the Doctor

I love my hospital. LOL I went in for a check up and got some shots. Vaccines. Influenza and the first installment of Hepatitis A & B. Didn't hurt as bad as I thought. My doctor makes me smile. She is always prompt and very well versed in my disease. I know a lot of people are afraid of going to the doctor. Particularly, many are terrified of going to find out if they are HIV+ or not. Personally, I was terrified to go to the doctor after I found out I was positive, because somewhere in my too-smart-for-my-own-good mind, going to the doctor and seeking treatment made it real. If I felt well and ignored it surely it must just go away, right? But now that I am being treated at the Medical University of South Carolina, my life my days are so much better. I don't have (as often) those nagging fears of slowly rotting away to a corpse. I learned the liberating feeling of taking control of my life. It took me SO MANY mistakes and life lessons to get in there and get going but now I wouldn't change it for anything. I feel so bad for those I know, friends and acquaintances both, that won't seek testing or treatment. "What difference can it make?", I hear. All the difference in the world. I love my hospital.

The Princess Groom

So, another interesting chapter of my life will be reopened this week. My phone has been a lifeline to the odd. I have been getting phone calls from people who i have not heard from or considered very unlikely from which to hear. The Princess Groom, Pinkles, and Mr. Unrequited just to mention a few. Strange that when i lock myself away like a gay shaven-headed Runpuntzel, I am suddenly reached in the hermit's cave by these people. Not that any of them are bad. Just never expected the call for most or the content for others. I spend my days with well planned treatments and dealing with side effects. I download phat ass music and dance in my chair. Rereading chapters of my life trapped in mangled metaphors I dare call prose. This blog is my lil peek-a-boo delve into the world where those who don't know me can tour my twisted lil mind like a torture museum and those who know me might be able to get a more honest look inside.

Eternal Sunshine

So, my ex calls me after having drank tonight. He wants to know why he is sad all the time. He tells me he wants me to hold him like i used to do. Not sure how I feel about this stuff. He has historically had a habit of calling me when he felt down just so that he could feel better about himself. I still love him but I don't think I want to be with him anymore. Who knows maybe one day. I am far from spotless minded. It is way past my bedtime so I am gonna leave it at that for the time being.

Orions's Army

...the Revolution is at hand...