One ex. Two ex. Life a bit too complex. One love of my life came to town this weekend for some relatively insignificant straight girl's birthday. No call. I know that I should know by now not to expect much from him, but it kinda hurt that I got no acknowledgement. After all, we are supposed to still be friends, right? Maybe not. Maybe I am blowing the proverbial smoke up my own ass this time. And in time I will get that drunken, choked up, teary-eyed phone call asking why he feels so alone, and how I am the only one that brings sanity and solace to his lonely soul. I will comfort him. I am that man now. The one who has grown past my selfish little angers. Still, inside, that little boy who was once smitten twice fried dips his heart into the lake of pain for all those who I have made that promise to in the past. Can't let them down when they are in need.
Red pill. Blue pill. My stomach feels so ill. What do you do when a friend comes to you to ask for help. A friend you may have loved but mostly you always felt the urge to protect from their own self-destruction. "I want to quit drugs," with such terrorized eyes. Days later, slipping down the slope uttering lies. I betray his trust to another friend in hopes of getting help to "save." I can't save anyone. I have enough work being my own personal jesus. Drawing protective circles to keep out the toxic. Ever-expanding walls of self-preservation that invariably result in hurt feelings. Life offers no harder question then when to turn away from a person in hopes of keeping one's own ship afloat. My boat cannot bear the load of people tearing there souls out and throwing them into the bulkheads of my mind. I am tired of watching people die or betray. So, once more, I call inside myself. Wake the warrior. Stand proud with my regal armor of hodge podge beliefs and fragile self-respect. Legs bracing for a coming flood. Crying the only mantra I know. "I gotta love me."
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2 comments:
Sometimes one has to put one's own survival and well being ahead of others. I too have been in situations where so-called friends don't keep in touch, except when they want something. Either a shoulder to cry on, or advise etc.
True friends are the ones that ring or visit, have a chat and leave and you haven't been burdened by their wants and needs.
Chin up. A lot of people value you for who you are. True friends stick by you, whilst others only remember when there is a need.
I haven't met you .. but sympathise with you.
Take care.
James
I am the person people run to and get strenghth. Clementine you know no matter what I stand by the people in my life. I always tell Crow that uncondional love is just that. You have to decide if this person is worth having in you life and if they are then you have to take the bad with the good because it is the moments of good that bring you out of the darkness.
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