Sometimes Others Can Say It Better

		Reasons for Living
	Everyone's looking, everyone hides Everyone's telling, but everyone lies We're changing the subject, we're turning away Away from the heart of it all You say you are happy Do you think this is fun? Well it's only a firefly to the light of the sun You say this is living, you feel so alive Well you know everything dies Even my wonder, even my fear Only amount to a couple of tears There is a rhythm, it's near and it's far It flows through the heart of us Welcome to another day It doesn't seem that different 'cause nothing has changed I try to remember, try to remember When we weren't just running in place Reasons for living, never come cheap But even your best ones can put me to sleep What I am saying or trying to say Is that there must be a better way Even my wonder, even my fear Only amount to a couple of tears There is a rhythm, it's near and it's far It flows through the heart of us It's already in you, it's already there You may disagree, but I don't really care Did you ever find out, did you ever find out What's at the heart of us? Did you ever find out, did you ever find out What's at the heart? Tell me all your wildest dreams I don't really care if you don't know what they mean We're raiding the closets with skeleton keys You know it's easier than you think Even my wonder, even my fear Only amount to a couple of tears There is a rhythm, it's near and it's far It flows through the heart of us Your reasons for living are all very fine But they're leaving me cold, they're not really mine Did you ever find out, did you ever find out What's at the heart of us?

Thanks a lot Mr. Sheik! I feel you.....

Sophomoric (adj.)

The etymology means wise-fool. I think that I am going into my sophomore year of life. I always knew that a fool belied my genius. Absent-minded professor. I even used to draw the Fool tarot card at Madame Laveau's in N'awlins. Perpetually. And, now, in this, the dawning of my second trimester of life, I start to find those I look up to in life, looking up to me in the same manner just a different light. The true power of this to shape my paradigm comes from two facts. One is I had no idea I was "doing" anything but being the Louis I have spent years finding. It was actually easier that way than being lost. The second thing is thie Wise Man had nothing to gain at all from me in the granted of adulations. It felt fantastic to be able to go, "If only for one man, and entirely by accident, I made someone's life a little better." That rocks!

In response to:

"I have told you before - one of the things I so fucking admire about you is the ability to expose that which would be much easier to leave hidden. You are the kind of exhibitionist I like - who cares who shows off their body? It is those who are willing to expose their hearts and souls that are the truly unique and who others should be willing to emulate! I don't care what anyone says to me, I'll always defend your honor and integrity. Let them try,"

Architype Definition: Self-Appointed Martyr Part 1

He/She is often charismatic to the point where little reigning in of the overall effect on others can be exercised. Often aloof and self-absorbed, they will escape on a whim to the corners of their own mind (unnoticed at times by others.) This place holds the whole core of this archetype in my opinion. There lies the dichotomy of their conundrum. It is the only place sacred and safe to them from everything outside. Since they often experience feelings of warlike paranoia coming at them from every direction, this place is where they go to hide from all pain. It does not prevent the harm from being done. It only allows a vestige of sanity to pull on during real or imagined attacks. Usually this works for them both in times of mental anguish and physical trauma. I believe we all have this place. Most people who have broken a limb, or experienced another form of extreme physical trauma know this place as "going into shock." No pain, mild to extreme disorientation, catatonia, dissociative behaviors (e.g. not feeling the pain of a wound that is obviously painful or not knowing anything has happened to them even when told it has,) among many other things can all be symptoms. Whereas most see this place as a refuge or "vacation home" in the mind designed to protect the person involved like a surge protector, this caste of man has said goodbye to the real world for the most part and decided to move into the vacation cabin in the mountains for good. This is symbolic of there behavior and personality more succinctly I think than anny other allegory. This behavior is totally understandable. I believe that in some it is instinctual from birth, a prewired, predetermined path that is of no choosing of their own. They are few and far between. The majority, I find, have had an extreme (brain-chemistry altering- Yes, it has been scientifically provem.) or prolonged traumatic experience. Since we know everyone goes or is capable of going to the "vacation spot," it is not too far of a leap to conclude they would have during this time(s) as well. My theory for the basis of this archetype is that this trauma is so great or occurs so frequently that the escapist reality become either more familiar over time than "reality" or is simlply way too appealing to leave knowing the pain waiting on Main Street USA. Therefore, the change of address cards go out at a very early age. Now, for these oft charsimatic and generally intelligent sub-species, it is still a genetic imperative to feel part of the herd (even if it is by being "the outsider.") Most onlookers will not notice any immediate change in the person. On the outside, these chameleons, especvially earlier in life, appear lucid if absent-minded, bright, and social. They have not grown into the part of them that is hardest with which to deal. As they grow, children mimic behaviors until they assimilate them into their own personalities and habits. Now, remember how the vacation home works. Perception is never really halted or turned off. It is temporarily deflected or altered though. Although this is a phenomenal way of biding pain and allowing a longer than normal healinng time for atrucious mental events, it is not a place within, by any means to be socialized orlearn to deal with reality. Things can tend to be skewed toward a more acceptable slant that are socially unacceptable as a rule. Things that would normally excite and stimulate the person in, particular those things correlated to interpersonal bonding, can be dull if perceptible at all. To a child just experiencing all this for the first time, there is no basis for comparison making it all seem "perfectly normal." That they perceive the world for so much longer without any real interuption in this paradigm is where the fate of the child is sealed. I think there is a major installation of foundation class personality traits between two and twelve or fourteen (roughly prepubesence.) These children fall prey to the reinforcement of years of this reality. Showing no major symptoms of illness or distress, because of the very thing that will be the eventual undoing, is the catch-22. The child is not developing normally because he appears to be developing normally. Having never known early enough in most cases to pay focused attention to many of this caste at this primordial stage, I cannot say how much they try, voluntarily or not, to make someone outside themselves aware. It may be simply too safe to question for one who knows no different. I find this in child abuse victims. They tend not to understand why it is so few other children get less "disciplining" than they do. Strangely not from the point of view that the other lives are better, but more from the perspective of a foreigner listening to another language spoke for the first time. Familiar but not native. Around the time puberty hits, maybe later or earlier depending on the exposure to outside paradigms and the severity of the withdrawal, the person will start to notice that they are not quite the norm in a lot of social and emotional ways. I find they are great at pretending to act in the appropriate manner, for example crying at a funeral, or being happy at a wedding party. Most can recant countless times where an emotional reaction, to what is conventionally considered to naturally evoke response is totally lacking or not at a level appropriate to the caliber of the experience. I have seen totally inappropriate emotional responses as well. Laughing at bad news. Sudden crying or paramoia associated with love. I would not necessarily consider this a psychosis since that connotes that it is a perceptive disorder, whereas I believe this to be a learned response disorder. The brain is rewceiving the same stimuli, it is somply programmed to respond inappropriately at times if at all. Once the child or adult realizes this for themselves, an event ranging the full gamut or possibilities but often to do with feelings of detachment or as a rsult of repeated akward or negative outcomes from what seemed perfectly natural in this person's world, he will start to micro-manage his emotions like a work assignment not a natural or learned response. I know some people who have practiced responding different ways for years to get the "perfect" return as often and with as diverse a situation as possible. It often becomes an obsession. Which goes hand in hand with the whole scheme thus far. With a person spending so much time distant emotionally from his environment, it would lend itself to be true that a child's developing brain would be starved for stinuli and seek it out in vast quantities and extreme depths in the places they felt safest as a way of satiating the entire genre (emotional) of missing but anticipated input. This holding true would then lead to excessive thirst for a particular line of stimulus. Some through environment and/or genetics lend themselves to knowledge and learning. Others turning inward equally as far to the opposing hemisphere governing creativity may find fuel there. I find a lot of genius and just as much insanity in this archetype. It would not be in error to assume that not all people are provided either enough mental fortitude and/or external reference to keep even the faintest of grasps on our reality. These are the people we see as victims of catatonia and extreme seclusion even radically "unacceptable social developments." I think anti-social and sociopathic behaviors may fall into this realm as well as pathological disorders such as lying, kleptomania, and some obsessive-compulsive disorders. To these people, there is usually little negative natural environment feedback. They mainly run into problems when they have mismatched feelings and instinctual behaviors that they picked up early on and now few people around them exhibit. "Why don't I ever feel sad when someone I care for dies?" and "I go through the motions but I don't get that feeling like everyone else." can often be heard from these people.

So, we have a basis to work from now and decide, in far so far as we have factual evidence, some of the motivations for this archetypes behaviors. What do we know thus far?.

They are likely victim of major or repeated traumas during the stages of development responsible for the founding of emotional and social aptitude.

They are innately withdrawn no matter the outward appearance and behaviors to the contrary.

They must at some point in order to function in daily society have mastered use of essebtial contrived second-hand emotional respoonses.

Tjey tend to have exceptional intellect and/or creative talent.

On the negative, they have an inordivately high tendency towards a litany of mental disorders or behaviors that are often mistaken for such.

They tend not to feel comfortable outside the realm of existence they create for themselves, and therefore can only be reached when the person attempting to do so does in their world, on their schedule, and on their terms.

Often feelings of emptiness, loniiness, and detachment are pervasive in all aspects of their lives. Trust is often a major issue when they make the effort to build an interpersonal connection of even the slightest significance,

Oftemtimes they do not make any effort at all to invite people into their lives. This can bring on or aggrevate existing conditions such as depression.

One of the few archetyope when they so desire to do so, that can fully remove themselves from a situation and make a nearly unbiased decision.

They, even as full adults are known to socially clumsy an rare but memorable occasions.

They may develop a well-crafted tactlessness that, while off puting in most anyone else, is considred to be one of their endearing traits.

Repetedly tending towards embarrassment as a youth they are acutely aware of their own behaviors and what they choose to let, or not let, out of their mouths.

Strategy would be their defining word. Everything is like chess and planned well in advance accordingly. Even the most apt at this "design talent" fail more often than they admit and as logically follows the toll to their whole existence is perennially higher than most.

They fill the largest percentage of those deemed Charismats (a social strata super class...more later) on account of their natural proclivity to the arts and sciences required, but sadly, tend to achieve the least greater good with it. They tend to get caught up in abusing this talent, as with so nuch in theor exixtence, on personal gain and protection.

Leading to the most commonly seen charateristic of this genre,... Intrinsically philanthropists in the ideological arena, they are usually the most egocentric in the pragmatic one. Put simply, they are the most obviously self-serving and selfish af all the castes. As a strange coup de grace, they are unabashedly unapologetic about it. To them, (And for many others upon careful explanation) the behavior is logical if cold and often inhuman.

Years of holding a protective stance because of being forced to study when and why and how humans emotionally respond as a method of preventing the appearance of social ineptitude have crafted this caste into a keen observer and swift analyzer of most any social situation whether familiar or completely foreign to them. It is in this characteristic that several things come full circle in this archetype and become the basis for its strengths and weaknesses. Very early on, all children know certain behaviors will evoke certain innate responses from other people. They also learn that not every person will react the same given the same stimulus. The child's first evidence of free will in his conceptualization of existence. This is importantt to remember because the question of its validity and evidence to the contrary will play a key part in the development of, and later, the Latent Philosophy of this archetype more than any other. It can be found filtering its influennces into almost every decision and behavior of this archetype.

So, why is assigning the title of Self-Appointed Martyr apropos? Easy enough, I think. You will recall the "vacation home" where they reside mentally. With this inborn detachment and proclivity toward withdrawl, they are not given a certain place in society they feel naturally befits them. Adding on top of all else a strong likelyhood for genius and insanity (my favorite for a mix of well-tempered meglomania!) and you have someone with just enough loneliness and well-placed self-doubt to have an insatiable desire to "fit in for once" and the moxy and social skills (even if faked) to create themselves a position rather than step into a prefabricated one. At times, they have been known to step into the shoes of another. These are those people that don't quite fit the mold. Marching to beat of there own drummer. They don't seem to notice the pparadoxes swirling about their every move and balance it all with seemingly little effort. You almost always see SAMs with a collected, a;ert, and confident demeanor about them. They make everything look so easy and carry on with an air of having all the answers. Granted, they often have more than is fairly their share of the answers (recall the obsessive behaviors,) but they are working harder to appear that way for one minute than most put into a year of life. Thhat, as you would expect, leads to burn out way quicker than most. They have exhobitant suicide rates, nervous breakdowns, and total life failures. They earn the Pheonix as their symbolic animal. "Crash and burn, if only to learn." in that neverending cycle that creativity drives towards invention.

So, all information thus far in the kettle you gotta add the mettle. I stated earlier that because of their exotic mental locale, they can handle a level of pain and punishment, particularly in cerebral form, than most any being you will encounter. You can safely assume that this fact has not eluded our eagle-eyed SAM. Nor has the fact that humans and pretty much every living thing naturally shy away from pain and its many relatives. If we add two and two, four is bound to look somthing like the SAM. A position in society that no matter what the failings, short-comings, or irrational behaviors, people will be dependant upon this person for some sort of shelter. Like a psychological umbrella in the shitstorm called Life. They are perfectly suited to this role. Knowing people tells a SAM where there strebgths and weaknesses are usually to be found. This leads them to more efficiently protect and counsel the charge under their care. They are not as all-empowered as they think though. It is in this very "gift-to-mankind" that their undoing is sealed. They get better and better with their regular people (you will notice that boredom is a bane for SAMs even if it is a different thing to each) and start to find they need more to make them remain fulfilled. As the workload increases, so do the mistakes, bad decisions, and propensity to fuck up royally. Stress levels sky rocket because no one counsels their counseler. With no one to lean against while every one leans against him, the martyr sacrifices himself to save them all. Or so we are led to bel;ieve. I kind of see it as anoither star going SuperNova and all those nearby are lucky to remain intact. Usually and luckily, for the SAM will he survive exhausted and relatively unscathed. Eventually they will put back on their mask and off to work saving a world who very well may not want to be saved.

That concept at the very end of not wanting to be saved ties into a major fault in paradigmn for the SAM. Think backon the baby's first thoughts of free will. We all agree humans are imbued with free will. One of our most interesting an difficult concepts. A SAM sees that yes, we have free will, to an extent. He is also dangerously aware that we have a large number of genetic presets and failsafes hardwired into our brains. These are things that have helped all mammals and life in general survive millions of yrears. Instincts so raw and real and strong that I doubtthey would ever not be a part of every tliving thing in the universe. They get more complex as you climb the food chain, and we get way better at not boticing them as we have encephalized over time, but they are still there and can be seen ib the most common if behaviors. Take for example, that most adult mammals have a deeper more audible sound they create than its respective youbg. Do you think this is an accident? I assure you nothing that survives its first million years of evolution is an accidebt at all. It is natures way of protecting tghe young from attack by larger relatives. Stops a youth dead in his traxks before his instinct to spar overrides his common sense. So, when a lion cub hears his uncle's annoyed but markedlyt deeper roar his brain says "He will eat you. Run away now." In humans as with all mamals this holkds true, think about how much impact James Earl Jones's voice has when he speaks even for Bell South......


This needs to be proofread and another installment is on the way

The Dwindlelands for Darkshine Doug part One

AKA "What had been happen"

Ok. So, this is gonna take prefacing a little. Twack Back Doug and I had a "falling out" when first I belly-flopped into my second Greater Meck Area Adventure Trip. During that time he said that Darkshine Doug had done somethings to him in the time he has known him that make him uncomfortable alone with him. It swiftly ruined my opinion of Darkshine. I thought bout how I had dealt ith this type before. A week later and time and distance between Twack Back Doug and I, I meet Mr. With-a-Y. He explains that he has known the Darkshine for years and does not think him capable of the accused behavior. With-a-Y, being appointed one of the "Wise Men," I took that as gospel. Slowly, as rime wore by, I fell out of all contact with TB Doug. Strangely, and upon apparent sanction of With-a-Y, I fell into more contact with Darkshine.Enthrall by his fount of knowledge, outspoken biew that I make people better, and of course access to drugs.

This is the one place I lay all of my personal fault and weakness in this situation. I knew better and even had a little prophetic catastrophe all designred that now, in hindsight, is eerily reminiscent of the recent events unfolding.

All is well at first, I enjoy the admiration and the constant barrage of compliments and drugs. A few times strangely worded sentences would send up abort flags, but seeing nothing to relate it to, continued to be led down a path toi where, although I did little to stop it and atr times was so trashed I was really enjoying it on some level, I felt I was visibly uncomfortable. Scared at times. Violently avoidant. I did let it continue further than it should have because I felt it was literally the only way to repay for what I had been given. It was the only payment/reward/compensation he wanted. NOTE FOR THE RECORD: At no point was compensation ever mentioned or made mandatory.

Shortly before today, the advances started getting more than I could tolerate and I put the proverbial "Foot Down" right in the middle of the mess. SInce then and to this I have received little communication. WHen I do it is often peppered with thinly veiled references to his not getting what he wants and how mad he was and how it was unfair that "everyone else" has had it.

Cut to scene: Afternoon on line chatting

DD: I wish my mood was better, thats why I havent tried to come down no way do I want to be around any one th (at could be influenced ny my mood in and bad one too paraphrase whole quote missing)

ME: i don't let you have that effect on me hence i don't rub from you when you aer down

DD: its good that you dont.

ME:
> i notice it is your prmary defense mechanism you make to where no one spends > enough time around you to hurt you by msaking them dread your moofd

DD: only get into a mood when guys like Doug reel me in make me feel on top of things again and then when I say no to something or I feel that the need of sex is needed for my well being I get shot down as some old freak now its cool for others to fuck around get all the dick and ass they can find but let try for it or even have someone over it hard on me . its hard being a Freak

ME: [And I would put up with it no longer...]

Part Two: "It was a Stupid Ass Root!"

The Dwindlelands for Darkshine Doug part Two

AKA "It was a Stupid Ass Root!"

Well, hmmm! I (only from my personal observations) have seen that once the point turns up the heat you get an air of disregard for the interest or willingness of said person to participate and sort of force yourself on them. Not in a rape kind og way. Don't get it twisted! But more like a "You owe me. Now, pay up!" auto-pilot kind of way. Not only is it intrinsically disrespectful to be like that, if one pays attention, there has been made mention by one of these "Doug-like" people (BTW excellent use of someone's name as an insult) that identical circumstances occurred the last time he was raped. Alhough I am sure they all appreciate the "kindness" you shower on them, topping off dessert with a hefty helping of "over-zealous sexual advances" is one surefire way to relegate al your caring and efforts to the level of a petty charade bent on bedding the recipient.

Now, all this, of course, has been "hypothetical." No one really does that. Besides, you know better than that with me after we had the discussion about my innate prejudice towards obesity. the one where I spoke of how I felt bad for getting mad at my sister. How I had no good reason to feel the way that I did, but i hated it, right?

We both know, if something like that were to come to pass, iIwould be forced, this time by you, to re-evaluate the entire situation with the "Father of Evils" himself (as is his crown these days) and start to lend at least some reasonable doubt, if not full creedence, to his version of the events. Alas! That would mean my pride and emotions got in the way of my infallible judgment, and we simply cannot accept that.

Finally, (You will note the excellent structure to this theory. Yet another hopefully distinguishing characteristic that I bear.) as for references to all with whom the possibly aforementioned person may or may not have had "relations," including ,but not restricted to, names, dates, lovations, and also the qualities, quantities, and frequencies therein associated, are (and this point is paramount) of absolutely no influential bearing when the likelyhood for this person to let you fuck him is determined Now, I hope no one gets a wild hair up the provernial appendage and decides they were going to punish this theoretical guy for voicing his opinion. Maybe this would include attempting to, let us say, demonize and defame this person. Maybe befriending someone he hates and attempting to fuck him as a way of punishing this person for theorizing.....That would just not do.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury have you reached a verdict?


Part One: "What had been happen"

Jesus Save Dems Cheerins!

I had an interesing weekend. Out-of-Towners. Ex-boyfriends. Mayhap meetings. Epiphanies. I mean that shit was packed to the hilt with revelation and the ridiculous. I swiftly got over the whole thing with my pseudo-ex that my roommate currently feeds drugs and porks (well mostly over.) I kinda look at it like, "Why the fuck do I care? I honestly don't want either. Why can't they get to churchin?" I mean, of course, I had a crush on Chris, but I never loved him really. I was more enrapt in a relatively cute POZ boy's presence. We are not really compatible and live in two different worlds. I think I honestly was more upset overall because I wanted to be picked even if I had no intentions of any real follow through. Sick. I know. Oh, well! Hey, at least I know the truth of the matter. The roommate and Chris also silently owned up to their share of responsibililty. At that point, I could continue to make everyone miserable, in effect ruinin my living situstion, or grown the fuck up, get over myself for one hot mess minute, ands apologize for my transgressions. It got me to thinking. I always say I try to be the better man, but do I really do that. Am I telling this to myself and others to convince all involved of a lie. Kinda felt like it so I am correcting things in that arena. First step was to actually let o of this roomie issue for a greater good. So, this is twisted. Scene

Last Willing Testament

Being of Sound State of Mind
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

Now we all know that is a lie. But it is close enough for government work.

Sissy: I love you so much! Always remember that. Tell "Kieran" that I will always watch for his star on the horizon of our lives. Tell the Dark Poet that he better take care of you or I will cut his ass when you guys "come up." Remember that none of my fuck-ups were ever your fault. No one can be the savior for anyone beyond themselves
without sacrificing themselves in the end. Those of us smart enough will save the martyrs before it comes to all that. Kisses and love from up above.
Bro Bro: I am sorry I caused you all these years of pain. I know you deserve better, but I don't know how to make it better for you anymore than I know how to love myself. You deserve the best in the world and you need to stop letting fear stop you from reaching out and grabbing it. Get out from the nest and take to the skies my Beautiful Brother.

Mama and Diddy: God, I do not even know where to begin with you two. I am sorry is a good start. You deserve to have had a better son than I seem capable of providing. I wanted to be your superstar. The boy you bragged about but something in me wanted to see us all in pain more than I was able to defeat. So, if you have it in you please forgive the Fallen Star. I cannot put into words all the things I would shange if given the chance, but we know what they are. My disaster of a life is not your fault and please frogive yourself for all the things you bear of your hearts with regards to me. I love you both very much. I always wanted you guys to be so proud of me, but it seems that was not in the fateful deal for me this go around.

Sebern: The first real love I ever was to know. I will always harbor feelings for you that I cannot possibly stifle. In these last few days, I thought I could drown them out like you always could. I was wrong. The hurt I felt after we spent the night together was indescribable and partly what has lead me to this point. I know you are not capable or responsible for showing me the light in this world. It was immature of me to expect this of you and worse than childish to punish you for failing to do so. You have honestly given me the most loving days of my life with a man by my side and I want you to have remember that in the years to come. You can love amazingly and deserve the same in kind. I love you like no other man in my life. So much so that I cannot have you a part of my world without excruciating pain. So, to avoid this for of us both,.I need to be away from you. Sorry that I was such a painful part of your life. Please forgive me one day.

DJ: All these years and the faithful friend you were always. I never thanked you for being so strong through all the times I could not be. In hindsight, I realize this was most of our days. You stood for and by me when I did not remotely deserve it. You were took beatings in the landscape of our friendship no one should endure all the while allowing me to delude myself about the location that fault lay because you thought it was better you take on hurts I simply could not or would not grasp. Why you did these things with no reward will eternally elude me. Nonetheless, I love you for it. You will make a guy very happy one day, if he ever lets you. Keep that chin above water, Denita. I want to meet you in the light one day and sit on the porch in our rocking chairs.

Shane: I love you for all the innumerable lessons you have taught mme with purpose and by accident. I hate that you were born a decade to late for me to expolore all the possibilities of a life with you in it. Then again, who is to say we ever would hae met each other if one second were different? I will miss your light bulb eyes and cat-o-nine-tails wit that cracked across the soundscaped minds of onlookers. Yuo are a man beyond his years and bewilder by his own fears. Step up before you step down like I must.

Chenoa: I was never much of a friend to you and for this I truly apologize. You always stood by me when I was in pain regardless of how I would lash out at you for doing so. For that, you deserve the Purple Heart of Friendship. For injuries obtained in the line of duty. I love you like a sister. Wish I could have given you half of what you gave me. You need to love you as mush as you loved me and the world will bend over backwards for you with just desserts upon its breast.

NightBright Clint: I cannot seem to vacalize the words to put you in a tangible place for me. You have been one of my three wise men since the second weekend I was there. In you, I also saw a lot of the human I could never see in myself. You remnded me that no matter how sensitive or well-adjusted I think someone may be, they are suceptible to all the downfalls that we all are.. For severaI reasons beyond my influence, you have been hurt in front oif me and I have been able to do little to help you. Do not think I have not seen you and your pain. I just simply have no idea what you do for a person you hold in esteem above yourself. Hope that makes sense. Remember you brought light and laughter into my world at times when no one else could.

Mr. With-a-Y: You don't know how to be there for a stranger but you certainly try like hell. If ever the phrase "A for Effort" was more apropos, the universe has not shown me the evidence. I would have swiftly walked in to the crosshairs of cupid for you, wild man, had you but asked. You rule over the world so many live in without knoweledge or forethought. Careful the trail you leave behind you because, as I know all too well, you are still responsible whether you are active in that result or not. I want to see you happy more than you can ever know. Remember, love only ceases to exist when we chose to ignore its existence. Life is only on a fragile thread which fear oft frays too thin.

Darkshine: To those who brightly shine, you must seems a black spot in the world they illuminate. I disagree. In my world, you are the simple balance. Neither good nor bad. I am sure hatred dances eassly with love in your world as it does in my eyes. I do not curse you for the role you played in my life, for we all know our place in the grand scheme is not to be innately good nor evil just our place. I am glad you showed me, in Dark Mirror, the tyruly nasty side of my soul. The dirty ugly man I try so hard to hide and no one wants to trukt acknowledge exists. I can no longer hide from him. I must clean him up or live alongside him from here forward. Thiswas a great perception clarifier. One nobody else could have provided.

Robert B.: I wish things had not played out the way they did. We both made false steps. In the end, I take responsibiity for your descent into chaos and crazy. Had I never said or done half the things I have, I would likely not have one-quarter these problems I do today. I am trying to learn not to attempt to find salvation in the souls of others. This is a lesson you taught me and for this I thank you. Now time and practice alone would have had held thepurest of truth for me in that regard. I geuss you know little abut your time until you run out. HIV taught mr that. You need to learn from me to not find solace in the powdered wings of addictive angels. Look to my end to find the reasons this rings true. Do not find in you the monster thst resides in me when it is too late. Save you, boy. I could not save me or you. I do not know the path to light anymore than I knew the strength you hold inside. Touch the end light for me one day and tell me how it feels when it all is done. Only way I truly may find it in the end I underestand. I will be a good guy if i can one day. You should go there too.

Country Chris: I am so sorry for even tempting you with the toxic light of my love. I feel like I poisoned you by doing so. You are a kind and loving creature. I may be wrong and in recent hours this fear truly pounds at the walls of my heart. I have to believe you are not mean and unkind of heart. I have to put faith in the likelyhood that only my hurtful graze has brouight you to this path of being. I want to see r=the bright light of life on your lips again like I used to before when in your eyes and touch the world shined btight and new for me like a breath of cold air of a hot summer night. I hurt so much right now with regret and remorse over our demise that I mistakenly usherred into existence with no regard for either of our better days. My fear of hurt, which it is obvious was not even delayed, brought to me swift and callous actions that I should have seen to stop a lifetime ago. Please forgive me my trespasses with my passage and remember to always show in all clarity love if in you it truly resides. We lost ones must have it to survive no matter how needy it makes us seem. Life does not allow for second chances often these days and therefore you need to do right quickly and the first time around. You are innately good and this will steer your soul better than I am sure you comprehend.

You all needed to hear these things from my heart. I think too often in life we don't tell people how we feel and it is too late to tell themwhen we finally have the styrength. I wanted to make sure no one misses the things I had to say at this point. If you are not on the list, it is not a sign of your worth, simply an indication taht I am not having many regrets over you at this moment. But hey is not life a moment to moment dance where the steps and tempo change as rapidly as our desire to dance?

Louis John Casinelli, Jr.

You Are So Not Worth The Trip To The Mall

I truly do not comprehend why I even bother anymore.... I hate myself so much that I cannot even begin to put it into words. I know people think this is ridiculous and say that it is stupid of me to even care. It does not matter. You got learn that those of in this predicament often times are well aware but for some ungodly reason cannot even begin to fix it alone. I know this is me, but I cannot imagine how to put someone through the pain of helping me get better. I destroy everyone and everything that gets in my path. I am not even sure why I try to look for love in others when I will instinctively destroy it. I destroy myself as well. Little by little with each and every person I hurt or break. I learn to see more of the monster in the mirror and less of the lost child who never grew up.

Right now this guy I had a huge crush on is sitting in my living room with my hateful ass "roommate." In more ways than humans should know, I feel pain. This, for both men, is meant as a personal attack on me. I know I am a loser. I know I fucking have no good reason to be respected or cared about except through blood obligations and even then barely... To wake up each day with no fucking hopeful horizon is the most bleak lonely feeling in the world... I just want someone to hold me when I am crying and to love me when I am lost ands hurtful. To grab my fists hen I lash out and say it may not be "alright" but they are gonna be there anyways. I know somethings I do appear mean and heartless, but Christ people don't you see a cry for help in those acid laced words carried across the room. I have no one to hide in when I hurt. No place to shelter me from me. It is awful and I do not know where to go or what to do to fix it all. I keep having those tearing thoughts in my soul that remind me there is a way out over and under. I hate that place. I hate that voice in the dark soothing the end-stepping. I do not went to die but I do not know anywhere else to go sometimes and I have no hand to hold onto to show me the light that makes it better. I want to get better and be better but how do I find a place I have never been to without a map. Everyone punishes me but no one says, "Hey there guy in the shadows, want to know the way to the light before it is too late?" How can you condemn before you help? Really help some if you think they are wrong. It is no better to punish a person you never really tried to help than to be the person who did the wrong....

God Damn it!! Someone come hold me. Someone tell me how it gets good in this all-too-bad. I need to know the sun will rise on my soul. I need to know that no matter how bad a person I have been that I can get better too and that someone will love me one day. What is the point of it all if that is not true? And if it is not, what do I do? Kill myself? Or just that little corner of me that is the eternal optimist? The one thing that keeps me from poisoning your coffee or slashing your tires. I hate that I cannot even be mad at someone who wrongs me because I have already wronged them. I hate that I feel I deserve this shit. Where do I get to start saying, "hey I have paid my debts, leave me alone!"? I do not have the strength left in me to be this monster anymore. It is only a matter of relatively little time before he wins and takes over entirely or I take control and end this life before he takes it from me.

Someone please love me enough to help me. I know I have not given you reason to do so, but God please help me. I do not want to be a monster anymore. I cannot hate me like this much longer. It hurts more than you will ever imagine It is so dark and alone and cold. No soul should hav eto endure this fire forever. Not sure it CAN. It is times like this i wish I had a god to believe in to know that it will be ok one day no matter what just because he says so. That I could just have faith and he will fix t all. Maybe that is why my soul hurts because this elusive "god" thing is so far from comprehensible to me. Someone has to have the answers for this lost soul or at least a clue.

I am not killing myself to day readers so worry not I just have to get the exact instant of feelings out of my heart for maybe nothing more than a frozen memory in the future when I look back on this day. Cold, frozen, and bitter. I will figure this out I hope. If not, I will miss you all. Say hello to the monster next you see him.

Though We Dance Alone

We dance the same steps. I learned this while talking to one of my three Wise Men of Charlotte. They are the guys I have trusted to have a care for my being while I am residing here. He was relaying to me how a guy he spent 10 months trying to have nothing but a fuck buddy relationship with in spite of the insistence of said boy that they date. The Wiseman, having been through decades of on again off again relationship with Heartbreak, was guarded and understandably reticent about getting in a relationship with anyone that consisting of anything more than sex and hanging out. Over the course of the ensuing months the whole situation started to wear at the fortifications that he had built haphazardly around his heart. Finally after all that time, Wednesday night the he said the magic the words that he had been denying this boy for ten months. In that moment, I saw so much of the romantic in me. (Of course, his was not bearing torture scars and currently stored in an unnamed closet in my heart.) And as I also knew that this was a bad story, I turned to that bitch locked in the closet and said, "Look at his face. That is why we keep you too starved to move!"

Well, the aforementioned bastard, ignored my friend for a week. When in worry from his own admittance and in my opinion a bit of comprehensible desperation, he showed up at the guy's house. Very adult. I would have blown that bitch's car up lol. And as if Aaron Spelling himself had orchestrated the event, a casually dressed guy answers the door. Swiftly after which, Bastard intervenes. he explains that he had been avoiding Wiseman because did want to own up to having returned to his ex-boyfriend. Freeze Frame! Yes, this in and of itself, is some shitback mess. Oh, but let us watch as the Fates go in for the kill... Flash! Inside head of Wiseman: EX-BOYFRIEND!!! There was never an indication that one of those existed!

Now, audience, this is from the man who has for months professed the undying L-word to which Wiseman kept his stoic platonic face. I cannot imagine the embarrassment that is parachuting tandem with Self-Hate and their cousins right into the soul of the vulnerable Wiseman. You know I think most people would think that he could not be very wise if he fell prey to this guys. Quite the contrary. I think it takes more bravery to attempt again at something that failed the first and every try since.

Here is the crux. I place my Wisemen above me each in their own rights. I know that for whatever reason I chose them they are superior to me in that aspect of life. Now, I have made the fatal mistake of imbuing them with superhuman infallibility. They are wise in their assignrf areas but nonetheless human. One wise man falls prey to love's adder. Another acts like a spoiled child who believes the world revolves around him, and the third has a sex addiction Heidi Fleiss would be hard pressed to contain. They are humans. Innately flawed by birthright. Humans are born to make mistakes, learn, and grow. In either better or worse, growth is their imperative and privilege. I like that idea. Kind of humbling in its simply ubiversality. No cultural means or social dynamic can stop or undermine that one simple principle. I am no better nor am I any worse than you at being human.

Or so I wanted to think. Then Zarathustra came and spoke. That on another day.

And They Judged for Nothing Else Seemed Apropos

You know, today has been both enlightening and shocking. I have to conclude that my ex's archetype is COMPULSIVE MALE.

All my regular "interactees" in walk-a-day life know I am constantly mumbling with a dull, listless stare about archetypes. Most address me with grin-and-nod composure tightly strapped on their faces like Botox smiles. Others, simply attempting to understand, find themselves rapt in paralytic rigidity whilst moving languidly for the over-sized econopack bottle of analgesics in a vain attempt at sanity. Still others, must turn the thermostat to a balmy 55 to deal with blood pressure levels nearing fatal and causing core temperatures to rise dramatically. It seems that few dance on hilltops with merriment. Leaving only a few scraps of was-humans making that tell-tale nod and grumble of affirmation and concordance made only by the OverMan.

Z-man reminds me so frequently with eloquent prose that it is my place to judge, to assess, and to classify. More than my place but my inborn duty and irrefutable responsibility to do so. So, I do. I would like to think I do a relatively satisfactory job of being honest and unbiased as is the requisite. I have accepted that it is not possible to remove all bias without transcending above this existence to one not dependent on it. For all my successes and shortfalls, I make little progress in the arena of believability. So often being swiftly relegated to the echelon over crowded with liars and snake oil salesmen. That in this , the one place I feel it is OK to be what you are for all to see and hate or love or fear, I would deny myself the cathartic pleasure of baring wound and skin for the masses unflinching. That I would somehow recoil from that beautiful salvation wrapped in a moment of unbridled public apathy. In that act, I gain what no one person can provide, a sense of insignificance and normalcy for this fleeting moment. It is wondrous.

Is it a fool's heart that trains his eye upon the phantom face of something only faint whispers herald to be the truly fantastic in nature? Is it truly Love's blind eyes marking the foot steps of an eventuality indefinite? I want to believe that when something seems so irrational and inappropriate, even, that maybe in that lies this thing referred to as magic. The repository of all things ethereal and transient. That wrapped in mystery are the simple truths of paradox and contradiction. That maybe it is not magic but rarity that astounds and perplexes. A touch of the unfamiliar on experienced senses primed for things known so well it is almost premonition.

I am intrigued by this whole thing caslled love and its seemingly ever-changing facade. Its appareny perpetual growth. I think it is we who change and love is static. We learn to perceive it differently through life's goods and bads. It would then lend to believe that we only stop having love when we stop seeing it in all the places that it exists no matter how improbable or oft illogical the residence she acquires.

This last block of word soup is dedicated to the man I was in communications with the entire time I wrote it. A muse to bemuse. My personal paradox and fantastic phantom as it were. Kisses my sweet conundrun. You nake me shine so bright with the living rainbow of emotions.It feels damned good

Every Flower's First Push is Through Darkness

I find most things that are truly alive or simply have been personified share this common trate. Like plants, animals, and even Love. All Initiating a surge through that first unknowing abyss driven by instinct and evolution alone. Taking the proverbial leap of faith. I cannot help but imagine a great purpose for this event. All must concede the sheer impact that it has on one is nearly palpable in the dense throng of consciousness. More later as well.

Comes the Fury of the Blind

So, this is my conundrum. I have been attempting to stand up for myself, but it seems more like trampling on others. Trying to find the middle ground in most things is always a downhill-with-no-brakes battle for me. On the one hand, when wronged, I know it is right to stand up for one's self. I find it difficult to do this appropriately when dealing with homos. They seem to need a different genre of chastising in order to comprehend the situation. Sometimes I try to let them know how i "feel" and it snowballs into an avalanche. Invariably, whilst attempting to deal with often inflated feelings of disrespect and worthlessness AND assess an unbiased report from the social battlefield, I manage to get frustrated and angry reacting swiftly and callously. Now, this is not to say I was not right. Who knows. All worked up and confused, I am in no state to judge the situation accurately. This being said, I have no defense for my actions.

Now, flip the proverbial coin to tails. You will see this is apropos, because in this scenario I usually end up getting fucked. On this course, I usually, for one of my various reasons, allow suspicion of wrong-doing to slide past. Be it the guy was way hot, or that I doubted the accuracy of my bandwidth. This is too often because I am not sober or do not feel I have all the knowledge I need to pass judgment. Whatever the reason, I do not react at all to danger signs. Now this can be good, if the situation was misconstrued on my part. Then by not reacting, I allow myself time to gain a firmer grasp on the event and dismiss it. More often than not, my instincts are pretty damned accurate though. So, I walk blindly, ignorant even, into a disaster.

I started a few weeks ago doing a lot of the latter, and now i see myself doing more of the former. It sucks. I don't really know if I am shattering friendships and gaining a reputation as a fool with a temper problem, or not dealing with a bad situation in a manner that allows me to hold my head high at sunset. I know I need to think before I react. I will try from now on to do so. I has never been a strong suit of mine when my emotions are not removed entirely.

Part of me of me knows I am having these extreme forms of rational behaviors because I am trying to "open up." Everyone always tells me (and I can see it myself) that I am behind a firewall that is supposed to keep me safe and does a great job, but at the expense of the closeness and intimacy I may have enjoyed with others. I decided to be more receptive to the advances of others, be it friendship or otherwise, and try not to second guess everything. I let people get closer to me and see a little more of who I am. In all fairness though, I feel that I still judge them from a stance that may be too high for the average Joe to achieve.

Or am I? Should I lower my standards in order to reach a more serene mind? Or do I stand head held high and stipulations posted in triplicate for all who approach to read and apply? Is there a happy middle ground? Does compromise on little things lead to failure of all things like Benjamin Franklin said? All I know for sure is that I do know what I do and do not want in my life in general. And when things conflict with that, I feel the overwhelming urge to correct the situation. In my eyes, that means it has to hold some truth. Some inate reason to be in my soul. As always, I will beseech the public for their input, bearing in mind that I do not have to accept but I am wise to listen. Maybe even in hearing something I truly disagree with, the right path will become clearer.

Where Does One Get Some of That High Quality Self-Esteem?

Cuz this Wally World generic brand shit I got is worthless. Why is it that when I look in the mirror, I can't see someone worth loving? These days, I always think first to being HIV+. Like somehow, I wouldn't let people walk all over me if I wasn't afraid of dying. That is simply not true. I am sure it makes this whole deep-seated self-loathing schtick I perform all the more impossible to get over, but this whole thing is based moreover on the fact that I cannot figure out how to just damned well let go of my abusive childhood. I am simply too stupid or mental to prevrnt it from messing up my head so much that I cannot keep the simplest forms of stability and responsibility in my life.

People always look at how smart or cute I am and come up short in their minds when attempting to find a good reason for the way I feel. That I could not possibly have an excuse for this irrational behavior. That I must love the attention or just be so self-absorbed that I don't care to be an adult and just "get over it." Oh, but were it that simple. It is not. I want life to be something I can show my nieces and nephews and not lie to them or hide things out of embarassment. I really do want to see a hot guy in the mirror. I want to love me the way I should. I have tried faking it. I have tried seeing myself through others eyes as many times as possible with the hopes that one day it will dawn on me. Oh, that is why they like me so much.

Don't get it twisted! I don't sit here in a suicidal pity party everyday wishing I were dead. It is the weird times that I get the reminders and I am forced to face up to the facts that I don't love me the way I should.

Like now. Where I have been continuously tolerating a boy making me beyond irate, time after time, and allowing him to exploit my low self-esteem. Begging him to like me. Yes, I do that. It is embarassing as hell. I have never even seen the guy's face, but I let him call me a liar. I let him constantly tell me that I am a bad person in as many ways as he possibly can. Do I know why he does this? No. I figger it is the fucked up family shit he went through. Lower self-esteem than my own maybe. So, he fosters his deluded self image with the respect he slaps off my soul with each excruciating insult I tolerate. Every time the whole world thinks I should tell him to fuck off, but I pick up the phone when he calls.

I have done some fucked up shit in the past to people so maybe I don't deserve to feel great about myself all the time. But nothing I have ever done has earned this man the right to emotional abuse me like he does. It is sick and I am afraid I STILL might not be able to stop putting myself in his way. I can sit here and bitch about him until my face turns blue but I cannot say no. The only thing I can figure is that he saw the opportunity to take advantage of the real me: a mentally fucked little faggot afraid of dying of AIDS. Because he got that angle and knows how to make a person feel JUST GOOD ENOUGH to hate themselves. I keep running back to see if this person, having gave me no real reason to think he is better than I, will tell me he doesn't want me not to be part of his world. That he doesn't know why but he does not want to imagine a world without me in it. Why does that feel so good when you hate yourself? Even if when served up hot it is topped with a healthy dose of Even-Though-You-Don't-Deserve-It. Like somehow he is being charitable by pretending to care for some fuckin up queer who does not care for himself.

I mean who can have real feelings of care and love for someone he views as pathetic and fucked up at the same time. It cannot be healthy. You cannot possibly right in the head and accept that.as normal. I deserve to be loved in a way that is healthy and respectful. I may not know how to do it quite perfect myself yet, but I can learn with the right man holding my hand and standing beside me. I am not proud of the fact that I do not come pre-wired with the interpersonal skills the average gay man my age has, but I know that I could learn these things. Everyone wants pre-packaged perfection. Well, this butt pirate is not that so keep stepping. If you are looking for a guy that has a ways to go but will do everything his power to get there WITH you, I am he.

I am sure this blog is not gonna win me the hearts of millions of fags across America, but at least I can say I was honest about the shit in the end. I will be better when all the cards are down than any of those living in their luxury love lives. I will have fought hard to get something that I will fight hard to keep. That means that I will be stronger and more resilient than most. I will get there one day.

Wanna ask him the deal? His MySpace page is here.

Tell That Heifer To Wake Up

Cuz that unruly fat bitch must warble this evening. So, damn this is a sad moment. I have this friend. We'll call him "Larry." Well, he is at once both amazing to me and infuriating. He has some qualities that I envy so much and wish I had. To be honest, most of his "bad" qualities come from something dark inside him. Some horrible series of events that has rendered his soul sad and cold. As much as I liked his presence, the toxicity of the monster within trumped it hands down. I don't hate him. I actually dug him tons. But it was simply ignorant for me to think I, one simple man with more flaws than is allowed by laws of nature, could help someone else when I cannot help me. I know I am not strong enough to fend off the attacks this thing makes from deep inside him. Shit! I am not even smart enough to make him see it when it happens. I just get hurt so bad by the things that happen that I can do little to keep from lashing out in fear let alone help him like I should. I don't know if anyone else has dealt with this part of him or if I was dealt the "blessing" being the the only one to make him act that way. I hope it is just me because then my decision to remove myself from the equation is that much more logical. If it is not just me, I pray that the person or people that can help him find himself and make him whole again. I know he has been through more than he will ever admit, and I know more than I will ever say in his defense. I just can't take the pain I get from him and that is my own weakness at fault. If I could be stronger, then I could stand by him and show him I care but my heart is of the weakest variety and I guard it with ridiculous fervor. I am sorry, kiddo. I wanted to help. I just make it worse. Take care and you would do best to forget you ever knew me.

"When the Shade Creeps

Across my life like a setting sun's waning tendrils losing the battle for dominance, I look to the North. A house of lies in mountain view. A dance betrayal. When wisdom fails the tongue in providence and humans act too much themselves. "Go under!," I tell my OverChild who is again too busy in the Garden to smell the hours passing. Do not delight in the coming of those bearing foreign fruits. Pretty poisons dressed up in silk-satin falsehoods. You know the tenacity of those bored to live in light. All too sudden you tread in deluged memories of your life. It is not your fate to hate the harbingers and heraldry malign. Accuse yourself of ignorance if the charge be safest. Self-relegated prison promotes protection when all else is victim. Hate the harbour only when the storm has passed and the seas lie subdued by their own weight." -The Lou 20061106

If you are gonna lie to me, do not let me catch you. Your fate is adjudicated most swift for that crime of dispassion. I am not the sophomoric stooge you want to believe. You oft have done in your end by making that first mistake.

-Angry Lou

Now, That is an Entrance!

No better way to restart your dead blog than to tell people something horrible you did to someone else. Always easier to keep a reader that hates you. LOL Look at politics! I am so trying to be in a good mood for myself. I hate being a fuck up, so all I do is poke fun at the whole thing.

Cold Day in November

A very introspective self-advice blog that I wrote to myself is posted on this link people. The opening quote from yours truly goes like this:

Eyes Wide Shut
Current mood: crushed
Category: Romance and Relationships

"So often in life do we walk blindly through, believing that we got a pretty good grasp on who we are and what is right. We design our worlds with all of the hurts of the past safely taped off, and set up booby traps to catch unsuspecting wanders before they get to close to the towers that we build to lock our hearts away in forever. Too many nights, we pine for love or companionship only to look for it in places too "safe" to be healthy. Too many hearts thrown at the walls of our solitary sanctuary only to be rendered critically injured by troops with no intention of letting it pass. " -Louie

Or you can get to it through my MySpaceHompage

I hope that, even through the craziness explained in that post, that some good is still seen in me.

A Bright New Night Dusks Before Our Eyes

I have had one of those new life affirming convos with a friend of mine. We were chatting online at one the webs many ill-reputed gay dating brothels masquerading as chat forums. As such, we both, silently, acknowledge that to have the converstions we do with each other on a regular basis are rare in and of themselves let alone in the aforementioned arena. We bantored merrily and with that weight of word only one congnisant of the responsibility tied to diction and syntax carries in tone and tempo. As always, I felt at ease and as I later explained to him, I felt obliged to maintan a level of candor that is of the highest level and imbued richly with respect and openness required to achieve the desired end. Solice. Comprehension. Rapport. At one point or another, in one of his many ridiculously enlightened quips resolving some conundrum of mine, I realized it would behoove me to keep such a person close and active in my life if for nothing more than a paradigm from which to compare and contrast my own. So, I told him. Succinctly and without the normal fears of bearing emotion that usually hinder my words. It went,

"i want to hear from you more often. anytime you feel like making the drive down i would love to see you . you are a singular soul among the sullen slaves and i love the way you shine"

I know this may seem a little verbose or over the top, but tose of you who know me know that this is how i really think. The way I perceive and report of the world. All that withstanding, I did not expect to get hte reastion I did. I mean I know that good deeds provoke good ends. It would be fable to proclaim a selfless act of this event. I wanted him, above all, to take with him the invite and the knowledge that I respect him enough to say those things exactly as I feel them. Assigning more proof to the theorum behing the Random Acts of Kindness, you truly never know how much good you do until you do just a little good. His response went,

"Damn Loui, thats probably (no definately) the nicest thing I have ever heard on this fucked up site - i mean it adn I know you are well aware of the darkness that abounds. I mean at my best moments I do feel enlightened, at my worst not so observant - but to know someone who can see others auras - well damn bud, what a joy. I have always relied on my intuition - thank you for confirming the good vibe from you bud - it really does a soul good to connect and know that there are others who "feel the wave, see the light" whatever you want to attach to it out there - and more importantly, they are available for mutual healing, celebration, etc hey even if i don't hook up tonight - i'll have a smile on my face and a glow from my innernmost self its a deal and you my friend magnify the light around you - thanks for being that beacon SERIOUSLY, I NEEDED THAT - THANK YOU"

Now, jumpin' Jesus on a PogoStick! That is a nice thing to say about someone, huh?

The Return of the King

After a long slumber, the potentate stirs...

At least I know he isn't in my room very often....

I find it to be pretty accurate

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Stability |||||||||||||||| 70% Orderliness |||||| 26% Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 63% Interdependence |||||||||||| 43% Intellectual |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Mystical |||||||||| 36% Artistic || 10% Religious || 10% Hedonism |||||||||||| 50% Materialism || 10% Narcissism |||||||||||||||| 70% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Work ethic |||||||||||||| 56% Self absorbed |||||||||||| 50% Conflict seeking |||||||||||||||||| 76% Need to dominate |||||||||||||||| 70% Romantic |||||||||||||| 56% Avoidant |||||||||||||| 56% Anti-authority |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Wealth || 10% Dependency || 10% Change averse || 10% Cautiousness |||||||||| 36% Individuality |||||||||||||||||| 76% Sexuality |||||||||||| 50% Peter pan complex |||||| 30% Physical security |||||||||||||||| 63% Physical Fitness |||||||||||||||||||| 84% Histrionic |||||||||||||| 56% Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 70% Vanity |||||||||||| 43% Hypersensitivity |||||| 23% Female cliche |||||| 30%

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A Brave New World

Day breaks on a new time. Suns rays searching the crevices of my life looking for the truth in the folds of flesh that make up my face. I turn towards the light. My mind in bloom. I do not yet see the future for its folly or the past for its wisdom. I choose to revel in today. A turncoat leaf springing to life...

I got me a job again for the first time in a while. Strange how the little green pieces of recycled denim feel in your hands. I am glad to be employed even though work requires a forty-five minute walk each way. Steps in the right direction I suppose. I walk past a brand new gym every work day. I think I may join.

I have met a beautiful and intriguing man. One who shares in membership of the Secret Society. His friends don't seem to approve of me though I could be beating myself up as per usual. I try to win their approval without sacrificing me in the process. Isn't that always the most uncomfortable struggle to endure? I hope things continue in the best of directions. He makes me so strangely happy. Sometimes I wonder if he sees that. Sometimes I wonder if I am able to do the same for him. Only time will tell they say. We shall see.

Live Like You Are Dying

New Horizons

So, the world is changing again. A kaleidoscope of colors swirling swiftly past my eyes. The world is fucking insane. Just as one is fully starting to accept life as one sees it with all its insanity and its forbidden fruits (e.g. love and happiness in a manner one dreams of,) the world is abruptly turned on ear. It is lucky I am so resilient, I believe. I am adept enough to ride the waves or rather tsunamis that the world throws at me constantly. Let me quickly clarify though... Not all these tsunamis are made of bad things. They simply change, drastically, my way of viewing my world. My personal paradigm shift. So, hmmm....

What does one do when one accepts a life less perfect, but shortly there after is offered something a little more perfect? Should I continue onward down a path that I am less content with, ultimately, though it will lead to less pain and grief? More than likely, at least. Or do I take said risks? Walk through open doors of unconfirmed possibilities? I described myself as a Pathfinder. Yes. I guess to that end I am obligated to take the risks. The rewards are greater for risktakers, as are the hazards. Maybe I am simply addicted to the high of taking risks. Or suffer from terminal optimism. Who knows? Choices, choices.

"I am a jumper!" - Betty Dead Like Me

The Son Also Rises

I watch the world today. A slurry of borrowed belligerence and stolen tragedy. I am tired of the sullen-souled courtship so many have with their mediocre lives. Where are the lights that rejoice to dance in rainbow form? The whole-bodied spirits that spark on the sky as it darkly slides beneath them? There seems no more a source from which the inspired come. I will not attend anymore emotional funerals. I want to dance and sing. I hear the silver-tongued bell of my wakeup call. Bright. Sharp. Harbinger of greater things than I. I will not go down with the dulled life of the throng. A phoenix knows no fate as such. I am strong of will and mind and heart. My tower built on the corpses of my failures, for, in them, lies my purest truths. My loudest secrets and private skin. I am so ready.

For the longest time, I lived in fear that no one would be there to go under with me. What I failed to realize was that I was not leaving him behind but being left behind by him. I am playing catch up now, but I am excited. I have a life to build; a world to reconstruct anew. Why shouldn't I be thrilled and nervous and confused? A life may be simple to create physically, but it still takes a stout heart to build one more esoteric. I have the chance of a lifetime, and this is where I need to remember. Recall my mistakes and muster the troops. Homeland security historically has been more difficult than all out battlefields and strategy.

So, I will walk alone for now until I can catch up to him. Whoever he is. I am not going to sulk of my problems or cry for myself. I will not drown in myself as so many before have done. And sadly, so many still do. Life is not made for mourning. It is a celebration. Jovial and cathartic. He will know that better than I, and show me things I have been choosing to ignore from a splendid light he exudes deep inside. My name means "warrior of light." Guess it is time I started to act like it.

The Day That Gay Died

Don't get your panties in a knot ladies. The fat bitch ain't sung yet. But I do feel she is backstage warming up. I mean I feel like I am watching what little "culture" we fags had slowly drown in our own stupidity. People don't seem to care about anything excepting this obsessive materialism we now see. It is money, drugs, and big dicks running for all of our symbolic polkitical offices and no real candidates to be seen. No one cares about a damend thing but the superficial. I even catch myself geting wrapped up in it. Ugh I cannot even talk on this at the moment.

The Ties That Bind

Strange the catalyst of connections I have become in my world. Strange to see the way things fall when you let them all go. Even stranger to see the hatred that some can hold for so long. I cannot help what I am. And I cannot change what it is that you choose to make out of that fundament. That is on your soul I suppose. I thought that I was able to stop the way I change the world if I just willed myself to do nothing in it. Seems not to be the case. I am destined to shape the future whether I am willing to do so or not.

So, there comes my question. Is it better to steer the current though I don't whether I am truly right or not OR is it better to let it change unaltered consciously?

It is apparent I cannot stop the effect. All I truly have control over is whether I make an attempt to drive or let it go on auto-pilot. I will always be a soul with a Sharpie. Some call it art and others graffiti.

Strange to know as the decades pass that I will have left an indelible mark on the fabric of those I touch. Often much to my own chagrin. Strange to be given a "gift" and not have a clue what to do with it in the end.

All the King's Horses

I really must be sending out some sort of cosmic beacon to everyone in the past who I have met. For better in some cases and for way worse in others. It seems that so many have come back to speak and I don't want to even acknowledge some of their existences. But I must and I will because in the end sometimes all you have is pain. Though I do not enjoy pain, I will relive it. They cannot take my anger. The fury that taught me to be so strong in these all to weak days. Yes, I hold long grudges. And I will sit in perennial judgment and sometimes hypocrisy of those I have known and will come to meet. I will make NO excuse for that. I have earned my place on a throne judicial. To be in my world, my kingdom is to sit before that throne and endure the fiery eye of justice. Otherwise walk on little all-to-human. I haven't the time to shepherd your herd these days. Go on set you discerning gaze upon me. Find what you will and hate what I am because I give no pretense. Caring so little for the days and nights of those who cannot see to go under. I am becoming. I am overman. I am not alone. Just in sparse, but powerful companies these days. Do not slit your throat with the mistake of proximity. Keeping you close means little in my view. Sometimes those the closest are first to be destroyed. Remember, Life is brutal close to a star. Hard to stand on one's own when the ground keeps moving. I am reborn the great over-child. Renewal! Rebirth! I rebuke thee lil sheep of past and future for I have learned to live forsaking your dirty wool.

Call to Arms

I feel like a Roman soldier who has returned home from confronting a southern advance from Hannibal. Forced to return to a shitty job of paving streets and mediocrity with no respect from those whom I fought for. Only from those I fought with. I know as with all things, it is a necessity that I have this respite, but once you get the taste of blood, it is hard to stare at cobbled stones and patchwork them together all day. But wait I must. I will hone my skills in war's absence. Prepare for the next great threat to my microcosm of existence. And, eventually, I will take up sword and breastplate for the cause of the righteous and true. Defending the freedom of those I love and my right to believe in who I am.

Moving home is going to suck. But it is the bed I have made. I can't help but see this strangely brilliant silver lining to it all. Like starting all over again as a nineteen year old boy. I got accepted to Midlands Tech yesterday. I cannot WAIT to go back to school. Higher learning is where I excel and feel safe. Seems that when I can go to school I am the little kid inside playing in the library in a world of my own. Imaginary though it may be, that was the best place I ever lived. I remember the smell of long forgotten books. The sound of binding glue crumbling when you turn to a random page to see if it was intriguing enough to hide in a corner all day and read. I loved the workbook storage room. That SMELL! I loved it in all its shiny-paged newness. A friend took me to the library not too long ago. It brought back so many memories. I told him how happy it made me just to be there. He promised one day we would come spend a few hours just walking amongst the books.

I like the lonely books. The ones no one reads anymore. Or the ones that have several recent editions to trump it. Cuz we all know everyone wants the newest book. Not me. Sometimes you can even smell the other people on the pages that read it ages ago.

So, going back home will allow me to start afresh with my adulthood. I will get to go to school. I will get to do things right with my family. Build a better relationship with my brother and make something of my life. I can't say I have remorse for living my life the way I did. Quite the contrary. I believe that going to school with what I know now is going to be an amazing asset in college. And when I graduate top in my class, as I must, I will get to say "Hey, it took 16 years, but you did it. I think I need this to begin to respect myself again in a healthy way.

And only then will my sword be sharp enough and my breastplate sufficiently fortified to stand in the front rank of my regiment ready to blaze a path for others to follow....

Please Hear What I Am Not Saying

"Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks.
Masks that I'm afraid to take off,
And none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me;
But don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled!
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
That all is sunny and unruffled in me,
Within as well as without, That confidence is my name and coolness is my game,
The water's calm and I'm in command,
And that I need no one, But don't believe me.

My surface may seem smooth, my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.

Beneath lies no smugness; no complacency.
Beneath dwells the real me, in confusion, in fear, in aloneness,
But I hide this.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed,
That is why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
A nonchalant, sophisticated facade, to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows,
But such a glance is precisely my salvation.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
If it's followed by love,
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself.
From my own self-built prison walls,
From the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what i can't assure myself...
That I'M really worth something...
But I don't you this, I don't dare... I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh...
And your laugh would kill me.

I'm afraid deep down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good,
And that you will see this and reject me.
So, I play my game, my desperate pretending game.
And my life becomes a front."


Interesting little anonymous poem I found.....

Pikmin: A Modele for Life

Ok. So, most of my insanity has lifted. I have accepted the shit that has happened and ALL the things that I cannot change. I have finally set up a little plan. I am leaving Charleston. I think it for the best. Particularly, after seeing a "friend" of mine being hauled off to jail on the channel 2 news for drugs and assorted other crimes. In the process his niece is being placed in protective custody because her mother was at work while he getting arrested. At one point in the not too distant past, I would have very likely have been at that same house getting arrested. But somehow through decisions of others and haphazard self-guidance, I got lucky. Very lucky. And after getting bitch-slapped by a lunatic at the mental health clinic this week, I think NOT going to jail was ample karmic retribution. Like "Hey, I'll humiliate the SHIT out of you and force you to replace your phone, BUT I won't get you arrested." The prices we must pay.

I have also officially gave up on love this week. Not that I don't believe in it. I have experienced it. I just don't want it anymore. It does not go well with my brain chemistry. It is like lighting a fuse in my ear and just waiting for my head to explode. MAYBE. One day. In my forties or so. It might catch me off guard. But for now I am going with what I know. Self-centered. Protective. Condescending. Judgmental. I am gonna get me a new car and a new life and waller in shallow materialism. It works for everyone else. I can do anything they can do better. Fake tan. Fake smile. Silver tongued reptile.

It is time to rule the carrot people....

"He is wisest among you who admits he is least wise"

Now, class be seated. Thanks for the apple, Canadian Kid.

I am, to put it frankly, pissed off. Those who know me well know certain truths integral to the interpretation of my prophecies. I know most of them would understand yesterday's post for which I still make not a single excuse. I will never ever again apologize for how I feel. Not to you, nor your alleged gods. I am a human being and therefore am imbued with the right and obligation to feel however I want to freely and openly. Normally, I am the type that will have emotions somewhere deep inside where I burn them to run an elaborate smoke and mirror establishment on the surface. One so effective that few ever see or bother to conceptualize below my facade. I have severe Bipolar Disorder that has led to me having two bitingly close attempts at suicide. No one saw it coming at all until was in a hospital both times. Why? Well, the Canuck has presumed apparently that I won't ask for help because I am arrogant lil drama queen. WE live in America so he is begrudgingly allowed his opinion. Regardless the reality. But as is the American way and right, everything shall be fair and balanced. I wrote what I wrote last post for one reason and one person. My survival and growth and the person was myself. I don't like sharing emotions. So, for me to do so t o not only those who love me, but those who do not know me from Adam, was in my personal beliefs an act of bravery. I never wanted people to see into the torture that is mental illness and pity instead of stand beside me. So, for almost all my life I hid the barbarism of my mind from the majority. Yesterday, I quite simply said everything I FELT and was brutally honest. Though, if we will refer to the handouts ( or directly below) bearing the verbiage of yesterdays post, one can note I never said I was right or wrong. Now, therein, lies the crux of my discussion. If we hypothesize that I did not assert anything but my own personal and extraordinarily PRIVATE inner feelings for the benefit of getting them out alone, and not simply to piss and moan. To grow and change through a more cathartic emotional outlet. The question then arises: Who makes the rules of emotions? Who tells you , my readers, you are allowed to FEEL a certain way? And in a day and age when people are already judged upon everything down to their appearance and financial status, is it not that all we have left as human that remains sacred is our right to FEEL as instinctively as we can. I never defended my feelings I simply stated them. I, evidentially with much foolishness, thought that if I gave people an honest, unfiltered view to my state then they COULD help me. They would understand my crippling fears and misguided realities. I have suffered and lost everything to this same damned disease several times. I almost died and have been arrested several times in the midst of psychotic breaks. I take responsibility for those things both personally and legally. I am more than acutely aware of each and every one of my faults. So, for someone who was reaching, pleading, begging for a light in the dark, for an ounce of "thank you for your candor" I was disgusted at the response.

YES DISGUSTED! I would never presume to denigrate someone for their feelings. To attack a human for having faults and having "the balls" to lay them bare. That was the singularly most incredulous response. In so many words I was told: "You fucking suck. Please die. Or come to me for the answers." I was not asking for answers. I have a shrink. I spoke to her early this afternoon and discussed the likelihood of having myself put in a crisis stabilization unit tomorrow. Yes, something to be real fucking proud of huh? I know well enough that I need help and I know well enough I have a place to get it. You were an asshole simply. You did not try to help. You just judged a situation you, now apparent to my readers and verifiable with the state of South Carolina, knew nothing about and proceeded to hurl scathing insults and hate. You don't know me. And now, frankly, I don't care if you ever do. What you did was wrong and you owe me and my sister an apology. She just lost a close friend to suicide because when he was lost everyone threw their stones from glass houses. Did you even think of the consequences of your words or did you climb up on your cross and practice long distance therapy on a person you have never seen face to face. Get off your soap box. Hypocrite. You can't help anybody cuz you cannot see any path but the one you took yourself. That won't work for anyone BUT you. Yes, I understand OH VENERABLE ONE that you have made it through some shit. But I assure you with barely the tip of proverbial iceberg exposed you got too close and sunk your boat this time. If you would have approached me as a stranger and in I mean the way I expect MYSELF to behave and asked what the matter was or if having your experience might I wish to have some assistance, I may or may not have chose to listen. But in the end guy that is my choice. You cannot make someone adhere to your philosophy on healing. In particular, having not a shred of background. But you went several steps beyond sinking the boat. You killed all the passengers onboard and burned the lifeboats. In what reality is it acceptable attack someone as a form of helping them up? You mention karma on your expansive list of things you so proudly know. I certainly hope you do not slip in the frosty tundra of your lil town. For the next person to help you up may think it best if they kicked you in the face. And you did nothing less. I will not allow people like you in my life. It is fucking hard enough. And no I do not want your sympathy. I want you to turn in your mirror for a change and see how you look these days with all this self exaltation. Hubris is a sin my poor Christ child. And surely this should be the "wake up call" you needed. You are not helping with being that way. You are making it worse between yourself and the youth and HIV+ people you think you are saving. Had this not been so inexcusably brutal an outburst, I may have thought you meant well. But I am afraid you are not going to be afforded that forgiveness. From me or much anyone.

Now, Ty, you are a separate issue entirely. And though you cannot find the class to wage your war on more appropriate battlefields I can. I will take this up with you perosnally when I get the point where I can. Ubtil then I ask you to refrain from having anymore tantrums on my pages. I sorely hope that you realize you fueled this attack on me.

Gossamer and Gelflings

I met a stranger and I have been becoming one lately. Thin silken threads tying the fragments of mind and soul together in the vortex I have created. Supernova. Shwoosh... All the little webs covered in celestial debris. Starboy went home today. Mama knows best. Apparently I am polymaternal. All the world a mess of colors and collisions. Centrifugal forces breaking down the integrity of my destruction. Shoulda Woulda Coulda Didnt Aint Gonna! Why me and my ego on your front window display? Self loathing stoking the fires this morning. What a blaze! If it could go, it went. Mind body and soul swirling in an abyss of weightless worrisomes. I don't know who I am today. Leaving one to question the validity of previous self assumptions. Good guy? Nope. Leader of the lost? Not in this place. Jesus in blue jeans? Only on FoxNews. Martyr? Ha! but we wore the outfit so well. Time for my crown of plastic thorns to be laid in state. I am no longer the dichotomy of Casinelli. Nucleic fusion. All pieces sloppily made an amalgam of former selves. I mean does anyone really know the last 18 twists to the fucking rubic's cube of sanity cuz my reds and yellows are off. And i just cannot sacrifice the blues and greens on their behalf.

I cried this week with my sister over a guy I never met. I cried for my sister not him. I do empathize with the fallout and debris of a young man's life. Coal tells me that I am "full of myself" and that I constantly affirm to people that I am smart and beautiful. He says when we talk it is like the gelflings of Dark Crystal when first they touched and did that mind meld thing. Strangely identical and uniquely different. I don't like being assessed over the phone. Regardless of truth and accuracy. I work too hard to pretend to pretend. I have been insane for two straight weeks. Like a natural disaster running through my own trailer park of a life tossing any and everything asunder. I cannot be here for myself at the moment but I will not listen to anyone else. I am tired of being trapped inside me. But I know that I am not crafty enough to pull off a successful suicide. And I will not live through that humiliation again. I want to simply walk away and leave this life. Start with a new name and learn to be a human this time and not the meglomaniacal supernova of phoenix legend. Rise and fall in the world filled with lies so small. I am tired of being loved for nothing that I am and being hated for everything that I want to be. I feel like life has wiped my dry erase board of lessons clean of experience. I am tired of not being able to make eye contact with the man in the mirror. Tired, no, exhausted. Worn down and out. My mind aches as bad as my back. Have I truly faked happiness and confidence for so long that people actually think I love myself more than anything on Earth?? Have I "faked it til I made it" shit? How easily my house of cards toppled under the weight of its own stupidity. I am just smart enough to be a dumbass. Just brilliant enough to lie to myself and not ever realize it.

I have hurt several people on the last two weeks. I want to say I am sorry but I don't feel sorry. I have yet to feel remorse. Rationalizations still got the wheel today. I am still to self absorbed to admit fault or failure. Love me if you want but know that my world is too fragile to live outside the safety zone. If I hate you... I probably really hate myself because of the reflection in your eyes. I will not excuse my actions yet. I cannot even fathom the repercussions that are coming yet. So, love me if you must but you are gonna see a lot of pain for me in the months to come.

"People are strange when you're a stranger...."