I truly do not comprehend why I even bother anymore.... I hate myself so much that I cannot even begin to put it into words. I know people think this is ridiculous and say that it is stupid of me to even care. It does not matter. You got learn that those of in this predicament often times are well aware but for some ungodly reason cannot even begin to fix it alone. I know this is me, but I cannot imagine how to put someone through the pain of helping me get better. I destroy everyone and everything that gets in my path. I am not even sure why I try to look for love in others when I will instinctively destroy it. I destroy myself as well. Little by little with each and every person I hurt or break. I learn to see more of the monster in the mirror and less of the lost child who never grew up.
Right now this guy I had a huge crush on is sitting in my living room with my hateful ass "roommate." In more ways than humans should know, I feel pain. This, for both men, is meant as a personal attack on me. I know I am a loser. I know I fucking have no good reason to be respected or cared about except through blood obligations and even then barely... To wake up each day with no fucking hopeful horizon is the most bleak lonely feeling in the world... I just want someone to hold me when I am crying and to love me when I am lost ands hurtful. To grab my fists hen I lash out and say it may not be "alright" but they are gonna be there anyways. I know somethings I do appear mean and heartless, but Christ people don't you see a cry for help in those acid laced words carried across the room. I have no one to hide in when I hurt. No place to shelter me from me. It is awful and I do not know where to go or what to do to fix it all. I keep having those tearing thoughts in my soul that remind me there is a way out over and under. I hate that place. I hate that voice in the dark soothing the end-stepping. I do not went to die but I do not know anywhere else to go sometimes and I have no hand to hold onto to show me the light that makes it better. I want to get better and be better but how do I find a place I have never been to without a map. Everyone punishes me but no one says, "Hey there guy in the shadows, want to know the way to the light before it is too late?" How can you condemn before you help? Really help some if you think they are wrong. It is no better to punish a person you never really tried to help than to be the person who did the wrong....
God Damn it!! Someone come hold me. Someone tell me how it gets good in this all-too-bad. I need to know the sun will rise on my soul. I need to know that no matter how bad a person I have been that I can get better too and that someone will love me one day. What is the point of it all if that is not true? And if it is not, what do I do? Kill myself? Or just that little corner of me that is the eternal optimist? The one thing that keeps me from poisoning your coffee or slashing your tires. I hate that I cannot even be mad at someone who wrongs me because I have already wronged them. I hate that I feel I deserve this shit. Where do I get to start saying, "hey I have paid my debts, leave me alone!"? I do not have the strength left in me to be this monster anymore. It is only a matter of relatively little time before he wins and takes over entirely or I take control and end this life before he takes it from me.
Someone please love me enough to help me. I know I have not given you reason to do so, but God please help me. I do not want to be a monster anymore. I cannot hate me like this much longer. It hurts more than you will ever imagine It is so dark and alone and cold. No soul should hav eto endure this fire forever. Not sure it CAN. It is times like this i wish I had a god to believe in to know that it will be ok one day no matter what just because he says so. That I could just have faith and he will fix t all. Maybe that is why my soul hurts because this elusive "god" thing is so far from comprehensible to me. Someone has to have the answers for this lost soul or at least a clue.
I am not killing myself to day readers so worry not I just have to get the exact instant of feelings out of my heart for maybe nothing more than a frozen memory in the future when I look back on this day. Cold, frozen, and bitter. I will figure this out I hope. If not, I will miss you all. Say hello to the monster next you see him.
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