Last Willing Testament

Being of Sound State of Mind
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

Now we all know that is a lie. But it is close enough for government work.

Sissy: I love you so much! Always remember that. Tell "Kieran" that I will always watch for his star on the horizon of our lives. Tell the Dark Poet that he better take care of you or I will cut his ass when you guys "come up." Remember that none of my fuck-ups were ever your fault. No one can be the savior for anyone beyond themselves
without sacrificing themselves in the end. Those of us smart enough will save the martyrs before it comes to all that. Kisses and love from up above.
Bro Bro: I am sorry I caused you all these years of pain. I know you deserve better, but I don't know how to make it better for you anymore than I know how to love myself. You deserve the best in the world and you need to stop letting fear stop you from reaching out and grabbing it. Get out from the nest and take to the skies my Beautiful Brother.

Mama and Diddy: God, I do not even know where to begin with you two. I am sorry is a good start. You deserve to have had a better son than I seem capable of providing. I wanted to be your superstar. The boy you bragged about but something in me wanted to see us all in pain more than I was able to defeat. So, if you have it in you please forgive the Fallen Star. I cannot put into words all the things I would shange if given the chance, but we know what they are. My disaster of a life is not your fault and please frogive yourself for all the things you bear of your hearts with regards to me. I love you both very much. I always wanted you guys to be so proud of me, but it seems that was not in the fateful deal for me this go around.

Sebern: The first real love I ever was to know. I will always harbor feelings for you that I cannot possibly stifle. In these last few days, I thought I could drown them out like you always could. I was wrong. The hurt I felt after we spent the night together was indescribable and partly what has lead me to this point. I know you are not capable or responsible for showing me the light in this world. It was immature of me to expect this of you and worse than childish to punish you for failing to do so. You have honestly given me the most loving days of my life with a man by my side and I want you to have remember that in the years to come. You can love amazingly and deserve the same in kind. I love you like no other man in my life. So much so that I cannot have you a part of my world without excruciating pain. So, to avoid this for of us both,.I need to be away from you. Sorry that I was such a painful part of your life. Please forgive me one day.

DJ: All these years and the faithful friend you were always. I never thanked you for being so strong through all the times I could not be. In hindsight, I realize this was most of our days. You stood for and by me when I did not remotely deserve it. You were took beatings in the landscape of our friendship no one should endure all the while allowing me to delude myself about the location that fault lay because you thought it was better you take on hurts I simply could not or would not grasp. Why you did these things with no reward will eternally elude me. Nonetheless, I love you for it. You will make a guy very happy one day, if he ever lets you. Keep that chin above water, Denita. I want to meet you in the light one day and sit on the porch in our rocking chairs.

Shane: I love you for all the innumerable lessons you have taught mme with purpose and by accident. I hate that you were born a decade to late for me to expolore all the possibilities of a life with you in it. Then again, who is to say we ever would hae met each other if one second were different? I will miss your light bulb eyes and cat-o-nine-tails wit that cracked across the soundscaped minds of onlookers. Yuo are a man beyond his years and bewilder by his own fears. Step up before you step down like I must.

Chenoa: I was never much of a friend to you and for this I truly apologize. You always stood by me when I was in pain regardless of how I would lash out at you for doing so. For that, you deserve the Purple Heart of Friendship. For injuries obtained in the line of duty. I love you like a sister. Wish I could have given you half of what you gave me. You need to love you as mush as you loved me and the world will bend over backwards for you with just desserts upon its breast.

NightBright Clint: I cannot seem to vacalize the words to put you in a tangible place for me. You have been one of my three wise men since the second weekend I was there. In you, I also saw a lot of the human I could never see in myself. You remnded me that no matter how sensitive or well-adjusted I think someone may be, they are suceptible to all the downfalls that we all are.. For severaI reasons beyond my influence, you have been hurt in front oif me and I have been able to do little to help you. Do not think I have not seen you and your pain. I just simply have no idea what you do for a person you hold in esteem above yourself. Hope that makes sense. Remember you brought light and laughter into my world at times when no one else could.

Mr. With-a-Y: You don't know how to be there for a stranger but you certainly try like hell. If ever the phrase "A for Effort" was more apropos, the universe has not shown me the evidence. I would have swiftly walked in to the crosshairs of cupid for you, wild man, had you but asked. You rule over the world so many live in without knoweledge or forethought. Careful the trail you leave behind you because, as I know all too well, you are still responsible whether you are active in that result or not. I want to see you happy more than you can ever know. Remember, love only ceases to exist when we chose to ignore its existence. Life is only on a fragile thread which fear oft frays too thin.

Darkshine: To those who brightly shine, you must seems a black spot in the world they illuminate. I disagree. In my world, you are the simple balance. Neither good nor bad. I am sure hatred dances eassly with love in your world as it does in my eyes. I do not curse you for the role you played in my life, for we all know our place in the grand scheme is not to be innately good nor evil just our place. I am glad you showed me, in Dark Mirror, the tyruly nasty side of my soul. The dirty ugly man I try so hard to hide and no one wants to trukt acknowledge exists. I can no longer hide from him. I must clean him up or live alongside him from here forward. Thiswas a great perception clarifier. One nobody else could have provided.

Robert B.: I wish things had not played out the way they did. We both made false steps. In the end, I take responsibiity for your descent into chaos and crazy. Had I never said or done half the things I have, I would likely not have one-quarter these problems I do today. I am trying to learn not to attempt to find salvation in the souls of others. This is a lesson you taught me and for this I thank you. Now time and practice alone would have had held thepurest of truth for me in that regard. I geuss you know little abut your time until you run out. HIV taught mr that. You need to learn from me to not find solace in the powdered wings of addictive angels. Look to my end to find the reasons this rings true. Do not find in you the monster thst resides in me when it is too late. Save you, boy. I could not save me or you. I do not know the path to light anymore than I knew the strength you hold inside. Touch the end light for me one day and tell me how it feels when it all is done. Only way I truly may find it in the end I underestand. I will be a good guy if i can one day. You should go there too.

Country Chris: I am so sorry for even tempting you with the toxic light of my love. I feel like I poisoned you by doing so. You are a kind and loving creature. I may be wrong and in recent hours this fear truly pounds at the walls of my heart. I have to believe you are not mean and unkind of heart. I have to put faith in the likelyhood that only my hurtful graze has brouight you to this path of being. I want to see r=the bright light of life on your lips again like I used to before when in your eyes and touch the world shined btight and new for me like a breath of cold air of a hot summer night. I hurt so much right now with regret and remorse over our demise that I mistakenly usherred into existence with no regard for either of our better days. My fear of hurt, which it is obvious was not even delayed, brought to me swift and callous actions that I should have seen to stop a lifetime ago. Please forgive me my trespasses with my passage and remember to always show in all clarity love if in you it truly resides. We lost ones must have it to survive no matter how needy it makes us seem. Life does not allow for second chances often these days and therefore you need to do right quickly and the first time around. You are innately good and this will steer your soul better than I am sure you comprehend.

You all needed to hear these things from my heart. I think too often in life we don't tell people how we feel and it is too late to tell themwhen we finally have the styrength. I wanted to make sure no one misses the things I had to say at this point. If you are not on the list, it is not a sign of your worth, simply an indication taht I am not having many regrets over you at this moment. But hey is not life a moment to moment dance where the steps and tempo change as rapidly as our desire to dance?

Louis John Casinelli, Jr.