Comes the Fury of the Blind

So, this is my conundrum. I have been attempting to stand up for myself, but it seems more like trampling on others. Trying to find the middle ground in most things is always a downhill-with-no-brakes battle for me. On the one hand, when wronged, I know it is right to stand up for one's self. I find it difficult to do this appropriately when dealing with homos. They seem to need a different genre of chastising in order to comprehend the situation. Sometimes I try to let them know how i "feel" and it snowballs into an avalanche. Invariably, whilst attempting to deal with often inflated feelings of disrespect and worthlessness AND assess an unbiased report from the social battlefield, I manage to get frustrated and angry reacting swiftly and callously. Now, this is not to say I was not right. Who knows. All worked up and confused, I am in no state to judge the situation accurately. This being said, I have no defense for my actions.

Now, flip the proverbial coin to tails. You will see this is apropos, because in this scenario I usually end up getting fucked. On this course, I usually, for one of my various reasons, allow suspicion of wrong-doing to slide past. Be it the guy was way hot, or that I doubted the accuracy of my bandwidth. This is too often because I am not sober or do not feel I have all the knowledge I need to pass judgment. Whatever the reason, I do not react at all to danger signs. Now this can be good, if the situation was misconstrued on my part. Then by not reacting, I allow myself time to gain a firmer grasp on the event and dismiss it. More often than not, my instincts are pretty damned accurate though. So, I walk blindly, ignorant even, into a disaster.

I started a few weeks ago doing a lot of the latter, and now i see myself doing more of the former. It sucks. I don't really know if I am shattering friendships and gaining a reputation as a fool with a temper problem, or not dealing with a bad situation in a manner that allows me to hold my head high at sunset. I know I need to think before I react. I will try from now on to do so. I has never been a strong suit of mine when my emotions are not removed entirely.

Part of me of me knows I am having these extreme forms of rational behaviors because I am trying to "open up." Everyone always tells me (and I can see it myself) that I am behind a firewall that is supposed to keep me safe and does a great job, but at the expense of the closeness and intimacy I may have enjoyed with others. I decided to be more receptive to the advances of others, be it friendship or otherwise, and try not to second guess everything. I let people get closer to me and see a little more of who I am. In all fairness though, I feel that I still judge them from a stance that may be too high for the average Joe to achieve.

Or am I? Should I lower my standards in order to reach a more serene mind? Or do I stand head held high and stipulations posted in triplicate for all who approach to read and apply? Is there a happy middle ground? Does compromise on little things lead to failure of all things like Benjamin Franklin said? All I know for sure is that I do know what I do and do not want in my life in general. And when things conflict with that, I feel the overwhelming urge to correct the situation. In my eyes, that means it has to hold some truth. Some inate reason to be in my soul. As always, I will beseech the public for their input, bearing in mind that I do not have to accept but I am wise to listen. Maybe even in hearing something I truly disagree with, the right path will become clearer.