Cuz this Wally World generic brand shit I got is worthless. Why is it that when I look in the mirror, I can't see someone worth loving? These days, I always think first to being HIV+. Like somehow, I wouldn't let people walk all over me if I wasn't afraid of dying. That is simply not true. I am sure it makes this whole deep-seated self-loathing schtick I perform all the more impossible to get over, but this whole thing is based moreover on the fact that I cannot figure out how to just damned well let go of my abusive childhood. I am simply too stupid or mental to prevrnt it from messing up my head so much that I cannot keep the simplest forms of stability and responsibility in my life.
People always look at how smart or cute I am and come up short in their minds when attempting to find a good reason for the way I feel. That I could not possibly have an excuse for this irrational behavior. That I must love the attention or just be so self-absorbed that I don't care to be an adult and just "get over it." Oh, but were it that simple. It is not. I want life to be something I can show my nieces and nephews and not lie to them or hide things out of embarassment. I really do want to see a hot guy in the mirror. I want to love me the way I should. I have tried faking it. I have tried seeing myself through others eyes as many times as possible with the hopes that one day it will dawn on me. Oh, that is why they like me so much.
Don't get it twisted! I don't sit here in a suicidal pity party everyday wishing I were dead. It is the weird times that I get the reminders and I am forced to face up to the facts that I don't love me the way I should.
Like now. Where I have been continuously tolerating a boy making me beyond irate, time after time, and allowing him to exploit my low self-esteem. Begging him to like me. Yes, I do that. It is embarassing as hell. I have never even seen the guy's face, but I let him call me a liar. I let him constantly tell me that I am a bad person in as many ways as he possibly can. Do I know why he does this? No. I figger it is the fucked up family shit he went through. Lower self-esteem than my own maybe. So, he fosters his deluded self image with the respect he slaps off my soul with each excruciating insult I tolerate. Every time the whole world thinks I should tell him to fuck off, but I pick up the phone when he calls.
I have done some fucked up shit in the past to people so maybe I don't deserve to feel great about myself all the time. But nothing I have ever done has earned this man the right to emotional abuse me like he does. It is sick and I am afraid I STILL might not be able to stop putting myself in his way. I can sit here and bitch about him until my face turns blue but I cannot say no. The only thing I can figure is that he saw the opportunity to take advantage of the real me: a mentally fucked little faggot afraid of dying of AIDS. Because he got that angle and knows how to make a person feel JUST GOOD ENOUGH to hate themselves. I keep running back to see if this person, having gave me no real reason to think he is better than I, will tell me he doesn't want me not to be part of his world. That he doesn't know why but he does not want to imagine a world without me in it. Why does that feel so good when you hate yourself? Even if when served up hot it is topped with a healthy dose of Even-Though-You-Don't-Deserve-It. Like somehow he is being charitable by pretending to care for some fuckin up queer who does not care for himself.
I mean who can have real feelings of care and love for someone he views as pathetic and fucked up at the same time. It cannot be healthy. You cannot possibly right in the head and accept that.as normal. I deserve to be loved in a way that is healthy and respectful. I may not know how to do it quite perfect myself yet, but I can learn with the right man holding my hand and standing beside me. I am not proud of the fact that I do not come pre-wired with the interpersonal skills the average gay man my age has, but I know that I could learn these things. Everyone wants pre-packaged perfection. Well, this butt pirate is not that so keep stepping. If you are looking for a guy that has a ways to go but will do everything his power to get there WITH you, I am he.
I am sure this blog is not gonna win me the hearts of millions of fags across America, but at least I can say I was honest about the shit in the end. I will be better when all the cards are down than any of those living in their luxury love lives. I will have fought hard to get something that I will fight hard to keep. That means that I will be stronger and more resilient than most. I will get there one day.
Wanna ask him the deal? His MySpace page is here.
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