I met a stranger and I have been becoming one lately. Thin silken threads tying the fragments of mind and soul together in the vortex I have created. Supernova. Shwoosh... All the little webs covered in celestial debris. Starboy went home today. Mama knows best. Apparently I am polymaternal. All the world a mess of colors and collisions. Centrifugal forces breaking down the integrity of my destruction. Shoulda Woulda Coulda Didnt Aint Gonna! Why me and my ego on your front window display? Self loathing stoking the fires this morning. What a blaze! If it could go, it went. Mind body and soul swirling in an abyss of weightless worrisomes. I don't know who I am today. Leaving one to question the validity of previous self assumptions. Good guy? Nope. Leader of the lost? Not in this place. Jesus in blue jeans? Only on FoxNews. Martyr? Ha! but we wore the outfit so well. Time for my crown of plastic thorns to be laid in state. I am no longer the dichotomy of Casinelli. Nucleic fusion. All pieces sloppily made an amalgam of former selves. I mean does anyone really know the last 18 twists to the fucking rubic's cube of sanity cuz my reds and yellows are off. And i just cannot sacrifice the blues and greens on their behalf.
I cried this week with my sister over a guy I never met. I cried for my sister not him. I do empathize with the fallout and debris of a young man's life. Coal tells me that I am "full of myself" and that I constantly affirm to people that I am smart and beautiful. He says when we talk it is like the gelflings of Dark Crystal when first they touched and did that mind meld thing. Strangely identical and uniquely different. I don't like being assessed over the phone. Regardless of truth and accuracy. I work too hard to pretend to pretend. I have been insane for two straight weeks. Like a natural disaster running through my own trailer park of a life tossing any and everything asunder. I cannot be here for myself at the moment but I will not listen to anyone else. I am tired of being trapped inside me. But I know that I am not crafty enough to pull off a successful suicide. And I will not live through that humiliation again. I want to simply walk away and leave this life. Start with a new name and learn to be a human this time and not the meglomaniacal supernova of phoenix legend. Rise and fall in the world filled with lies so small. I am tired of being loved for nothing that I am and being hated for everything that I want to be. I feel like life has wiped my dry erase board of lessons clean of experience. I am tired of not being able to make eye contact with the man in the mirror. Tired, no, exhausted. Worn down and out. My mind aches as bad as my back. Have I truly faked happiness and confidence for so long that people actually think I love myself more than anything on Earth?? Have I "faked it til I made it" shit? How easily my house of cards toppled under the weight of its own stupidity. I am just smart enough to be a dumbass. Just brilliant enough to lie to myself and not ever realize it.
I have hurt several people on the last two weeks. I want to say I am sorry but I don't feel sorry. I have yet to feel remorse. Rationalizations still got the wheel today. I am still to self absorbed to admit fault or failure. Love me if you want but know that my world is too fragile to live outside the safety zone. If I hate you... I probably really hate myself because of the reflection in your eyes. I will not excuse my actions yet. I cannot even fathom the repercussions that are coming yet. So, love me if you must but you are gonna see a lot of pain for me in the months to come.
"People are strange when you're a stranger...."
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5 comments:
You're not the only one who is worn out. Exhausted. Fed up.
This might sound harsh, but I am speaking out of pain and anger and sorrow and empathy, all because I know that you are in pain, not because you broke my heart, and it's for your own good.
Quit worrying about who you are, that's not the point. Nobody knows who they are, do you think you are alone in that? I haven't defined myself, I'm a different person every day. So what. You define yourself by your actions, that's all there is to it. Act accordingly. Stop beating yourself over the head trying to figure out who you are. You are who you decide to be. Once the monster is satisfied and goes back into hiding, you will see that.
And stop labeling yourself. You're not a drag queen, Louis. You don't need a title and a crown. Why do people always feel the need to label themselves? By doing that you limit yourself. Don't self-actualize yourself into anything that you might regret.
You need to start accepting help when it is being offered to you. You need to start recognizing when you need that help. You need to stop your needless suffering. Go to the doctor. You are in too much pain for one person to bear,and I can't tolerate sitting in my apartment knowing that you are in this much turmoil. And it doesn't have to be that way. I don't care if you hate me for telling you this. I can't stand to see you in this much pain. If I could suffer in your place I would. Sometimes I wish I could be a little insane, just a little bit, just so I wouldn't feel so undead. But I can't take it from you, it is yours, it is a package deal inside your brain. That doesn't mean that there aren't ways of dealing with it. That doesn't mean it is going to consume you. It won't, you will be ok.
I love you Louis, more than I can stand it. But believe me, if I had any choice in the matter, I would not. It's killing me.
I know full well what kind of pain is in store for me if I stay close to you. I have gone over all the scenarios in my mind, and no matter how you slice it, there will be alot of pain by the time the fat lady sings.
And I didn't fall in love with a saint or a savior. You probably think I'm a prude compared to your cohorts, but there's alot about me you don't know. You gave me more happiness in the past 2 months than I've had in 2 years, but it's still only been 2 months, and it takes alot longer than that to understand how I operate. I don't care who you are, devil or demon or angel or monster, Johnny Dahmer, prince of darkness, or fucking Strawberry Shortcake, I love you the same. I even love you for who you want to be, even if you wanted to be a mass murderer, or a god, or a theif, or a healer, or a traitor, or a whore of Babylon, I would love you still. I have been branded with it, it's not going away, and it is not based on who you think you are or are not, or who you would prefer to be, it is just based on you, and what you are to me.
And I don't care if you like the fact that I love you, or if you are indifferent,and I don't care if you return it, I don't care if you throw it in the goddamn garbage. I don't give a rat's ass what you do with that knowledge, because it doesn't change anything. The fact that I love you is just a fact, plain and simple, and whether or not I ever see you again, that's not going to change. Once I fall in love for real, it can't be undone.
I also don't care if you are sorry for erasing me from your life, or if you're not sorry, I never asked for your guilt. I have enough of my own. Guilt, remorse, it's pointless, it accomplishes nothing, don't even bother. You will feel guilty once the monster goes away, but I don't want you to, that will just be more pain for you.
Try to be good to yourself. I'm not a romantic idiot, so if I love you as much as I do, you obviously deserve to love yourself.
Now I'm going to tell you something that you need to hear, something important.
This is going to sound arrogant, but what the hell, I'll be arrogant today. I only fall in love with people that are very unique. People that are amazing, people that are extremely rare, people who are almost not even people because they are so beautiful and astonishing, people who are walking, talking works of priceless fragile art, people who command a certain awe and reverence from the general public because of their gifts and their talents, people who are really, really cool. That's the only kind of person that I've ever fallen in love with, and you happened to fit that criteria. I will settle for nothing less, my heart and my soul are not capable of falling in love with anything less than the devine and the spectacular. There's only been 4 of them so far, including you. I have extremely high standards. So that should tell you something about yourself. I'm not telling you that to build up your ego, or to build up mine, I'm telling you that because it's true, and it's the only way I can think of to tell you what kind of person you are, a person very much deserving of self-love. I don't love people who don't deserve it.
I don't want a damn thing from you anymore. But if the monster starts to retreat and you find yourself thinking clearly, please don't be ashamed to come to me. I would ask you to come to me now, but I know you won't. I will be here for you, no matter what you say to me, I know it's the monster talking and not you, and I even believe that you fell in love with me too, although you are not owning up to it right now, and that's ok.
I'm here if you need me. I will help you however I can, if and when you decide to ask for it. In fact, I would probably do just about anything you asked me to do. Don't be a stranger.
Well, with that said, get off the cross because we need the wood.
Turn the light off, and stop looking for validation. Seeking validation from others can only say that you can't find validation in yourself.
Any self help begins within, you will not find anything "out here" until you find it in yourself. That goes for validation, acceptance or Love.
All this drama, is going to kill you before your disease does, if you don't do it yourself.
The world is so wrapped up in lables that we find the need to label? Why is that? Why can't we just live in harmony, because society won't let us, so we have to create our own.
Can you, for one day, see yourself as part of the human race, in a sameness and not different?
You'd be surprised just how much LITTLE time others spend thinking about YOU! So you need to get real and stop this catterwalling, and stop the insanity.
I hate drama, it does not do a POZ person any good. I think you need to re-assess your worth and your abilities.
Spending time doing things for other people is SUPPOSED to change us internally, but it seems you are too self centered and arrogant to admit that change is necessary for growth.
If (the above poster) has said what he did, then I am right in my assessment. It's not always about us, and NO I am not perfect, but I have learned, in a few decades, how to be human and live decently and rightly.
Personal definition can take a lifetime. And some never find it, that's why we are on this planet to define life for ourselves.
Why are you so concerned about what others think of you? You know self centeredness is a problem. Self loathing and internalized issues will kill us.
You think you are so wise and knowledgeable, it seems that you are not even in the ballpark. Time to get off your pedistle and seek some help before you end up dead poz boy!
Listen to me because I've been down this road. AND if others are so worried about you then maybe its time to admit defeat, make the call and get the help you need. There is no shame in asking for help.
Alienating those you care about is a sure sign that something is WRONG with you! If the boys are retreating, then you've lost control of your starlight!
You can't FAKE it till you make it, until you understand what that means. Since I am in recovery I DO! You only get one chance at life, so you better make the time you have left meaningful, or your life will have been wasted.
Self absorbed huh? Listen to me young man, you need to screw your head on correctly and understand that we are still here for a reason, and if God has us here, it is for a reason, for us to LEARN about humanity and humility and how we are to interact and learn from it.
Stop hating yourself and being so obstinate and obnoxious. Self righteous personalities will not fly in this world. I wanted to see what others had to say before I read you the riot act.
Stop - Look and Listen and for god sakes the first admission that there is a problem is the first step to finding a solution. Jesus, all this drama gives me gas.
Get some help
admit you were wrong and an ass
and start the healing process.
Gay boys were not meant to die as martyrs for the faith.
God knows we are not perfect, but I promise you that if you ask HIM for help, it will come to you, but that has to come from your lips to Gods ears.
God helps those who help themselves.
Do or Do Not
there is no try!!
Now what are you going to do, sit in your pile of shit and play with it? You know that the longer you sit in your pile of shit, the more you start to smell like it, and eventually no one is going to want to get near you!
So get in the shower clean yourself up clean up your pile and clean up your side of the street. We are only responsible for OUR side of the street and nothing more.
I can't help you until you realize that help is necessary. We've all been here, Who am I, and why am I still here? I spent YEARS asking God that question, until finally I got smart and decided to go on with my life and got better and stronger and emotionally sound and able to have a proper loving relationship with another.
BUT You will Never be able to love someone else properly until you learn to love yourself from the inside OUT.
That takes a long time to learn, trust me I've been here too.
And yeah, you will probably find me arrogant and self righteous and say that I am preaching, and think I am so smart and you don't need someonelike me telling you like it is, but who has the balls to tell you the truth without you calling them names and ridiculing their words?
Grow Up young man. And like I said, get off the cross someone else needs the wood !!
Whereas I am fully capable of deleting that post above, I am simply going to leave it in defiance of your unadulterated ignorance of who I am. Furthermore, you have no idea what my whole situation is, sir. I do not sit in judgment of your ridiculous religious zealotry. How dare you be so abrazive and unkind. Good you are a foreigner I suppose. Pwoplw kill for less than that in this country. You have not the circumstance of my existance, and to invoke the name of God as an affirmation of your judging another goes directly against your own scriptures oh pious one. And as for my cross... don't be so bitter. I never intended to borrow yours for so long.
I just want it to be known that attacking my brother will not be tolerated. He was saying what was on his mind and how he was feeling. If you can't take that the actual "truth" then get off the island.
I was disturbed by the northern hypocrit. YOU can't help anyone because you are to busy lording over us poor stupid people. Us that don't live by your god are just heathens huh? Did you ever bother to read the book that you are SUPPOSEDLY living by? I seem to remember the whole not judging thing, but maybe the cliff notes were off by a bit. You stood up on your soapbox and ranted about someone you don't even know? What's wrong has your balls frozen up there in Canada and therefore your mind is frozen too?
AND I DETEST YOU FOR TELLING MY BROTHER TO KILL HIMSELF?? Listen here you fucker I lost a friend to sucide on my birthday just this week and you are going to tell my brother, my blood, to kill himself?? You little shit head, what if he took you seriously and did it? Are you going to fly down here and pray to your God for him? No because I am sure that it would cut into your judging time. I am sure even your god would punish you for even suggesting it.
None of you know my brother. Yes, he is crazy. But self absorbed he is far from. Maybe he pushes you away so that you don't have to bear the storm? Did you ever think that he did this because he cares about people other then himself? You just don't know. He is a selfless, loving, and hopeful person. And while you holyer then thoe folks are busy trying to rip him a new one all you are managing to do is show your true colors. Which are not attractive at all.
And Louis if you want sit play in shit I'll still hug you that is as long as your shit is not the consistency of acrylic paint. And you know what keep your cross I it looks good on you. I have my own wood and if I need more I will just find another hypocitical Christian to steal it from.
So Mr. Canada FUCK YOU!! Crawl back to world because God will not fogive you for being an asshole even if you "live" by his book.
Allright, canaregon, you have turned my comments, which were meant to express concern, into an attack on the boy that I love. I don't appreciate it. He is not well, mentally, and I should not have been so blunt with him, but you went way over the line.
Louis , I hope you both know I was trying to express desperation and love, and I perhaps should have been nicer about it. I wasn't attacking you at all, not in the least bit. Of course I am hurt because I was not prepared for this,that's my own fault, but I also know you are hurting much more. I know I can't really help you, but I can let you know that I am here. I'm not going to Montreal next week, so I'll be around if you need anything at all.
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