All the King's Horses

I really must be sending out some sort of cosmic beacon to everyone in the past who I have met. For better in some cases and for way worse in others. It seems that so many have come back to speak and I don't want to even acknowledge some of their existences. But I must and I will because in the end sometimes all you have is pain. Though I do not enjoy pain, I will relive it. They cannot take my anger. The fury that taught me to be so strong in these all to weak days. Yes, I hold long grudges. And I will sit in perennial judgment and sometimes hypocrisy of those I have known and will come to meet. I will make NO excuse for that. I have earned my place on a throne judicial. To be in my world, my kingdom is to sit before that throne and endure the fiery eye of justice. Otherwise walk on little all-to-human. I haven't the time to shepherd your herd these days. Go on set you discerning gaze upon me. Find what you will and hate what I am because I give no pretense. Caring so little for the days and nights of those who cannot see to go under. I am becoming. I am overman. I am not alone. Just in sparse, but powerful companies these days. Do not slit your throat with the mistake of proximity. Keeping you close means little in my view. Sometimes those the closest are first to be destroyed. Remember, Life is brutal close to a star. Hard to stand on one's own when the ground keeps moving. I am reborn the great over-child. Renewal! Rebirth! I rebuke thee lil sheep of past and future for I have learned to live forsaking your dirty wool.

Call to Arms

I feel like a Roman soldier who has returned home from confronting a southern advance from Hannibal. Forced to return to a shitty job of paving streets and mediocrity with no respect from those whom I fought for. Only from those I fought with. I know as with all things, it is a necessity that I have this respite, but once you get the taste of blood, it is hard to stare at cobbled stones and patchwork them together all day. But wait I must. I will hone my skills in war's absence. Prepare for the next great threat to my microcosm of existence. And, eventually, I will take up sword and breastplate for the cause of the righteous and true. Defending the freedom of those I love and my right to believe in who I am.

Moving home is going to suck. But it is the bed I have made. I can't help but see this strangely brilliant silver lining to it all. Like starting all over again as a nineteen year old boy. I got accepted to Midlands Tech yesterday. I cannot WAIT to go back to school. Higher learning is where I excel and feel safe. Seems that when I can go to school I am the little kid inside playing in the library in a world of my own. Imaginary though it may be, that was the best place I ever lived. I remember the smell of long forgotten books. The sound of binding glue crumbling when you turn to a random page to see if it was intriguing enough to hide in a corner all day and read. I loved the workbook storage room. That SMELL! I loved it in all its shiny-paged newness. A friend took me to the library not too long ago. It brought back so many memories. I told him how happy it made me just to be there. He promised one day we would come spend a few hours just walking amongst the books.

I like the lonely books. The ones no one reads anymore. Or the ones that have several recent editions to trump it. Cuz we all know everyone wants the newest book. Not me. Sometimes you can even smell the other people on the pages that read it ages ago.

So, going back home will allow me to start afresh with my adulthood. I will get to go to school. I will get to do things right with my family. Build a better relationship with my brother and make something of my life. I can't say I have remorse for living my life the way I did. Quite the contrary. I believe that going to school with what I know now is going to be an amazing asset in college. And when I graduate top in my class, as I must, I will get to say "Hey, it took 16 years, but you did it. I think I need this to begin to respect myself again in a healthy way.

And only then will my sword be sharp enough and my breastplate sufficiently fortified to stand in the front rank of my regiment ready to blaze a path for others to follow....

Please Hear What I Am Not Saying

"Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks.
Masks that I'm afraid to take off,
And none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me;
But don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled!
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
That all is sunny and unruffled in me,
Within as well as without, That confidence is my name and coolness is my game,
The water's calm and I'm in command,
And that I need no one, But don't believe me.

My surface may seem smooth, my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.

Beneath lies no smugness; no complacency.
Beneath dwells the real me, in confusion, in fear, in aloneness,
But I hide this.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed,
That is why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
A nonchalant, sophisticated facade, to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows,
But such a glance is precisely my salvation.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
If it's followed by love,
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself.
From my own self-built prison walls,
From the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what i can't assure myself...
That I'M really worth something...
But I don't you this, I don't dare... I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh...
And your laugh would kill me.

I'm afraid deep down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good,
And that you will see this and reject me.
So, I play my game, my desperate pretending game.
And my life becomes a front."


Interesting little anonymous poem I found.....

Pikmin: A Modele for Life

Ok. So, most of my insanity has lifted. I have accepted the shit that has happened and ALL the things that I cannot change. I have finally set up a little plan. I am leaving Charleston. I think it for the best. Particularly, after seeing a "friend" of mine being hauled off to jail on the channel 2 news for drugs and assorted other crimes. In the process his niece is being placed in protective custody because her mother was at work while he getting arrested. At one point in the not too distant past, I would have very likely have been at that same house getting arrested. But somehow through decisions of others and haphazard self-guidance, I got lucky. Very lucky. And after getting bitch-slapped by a lunatic at the mental health clinic this week, I think NOT going to jail was ample karmic retribution. Like "Hey, I'll humiliate the SHIT out of you and force you to replace your phone, BUT I won't get you arrested." The prices we must pay.

I have also officially gave up on love this week. Not that I don't believe in it. I have experienced it. I just don't want it anymore. It does not go well with my brain chemistry. It is like lighting a fuse in my ear and just waiting for my head to explode. MAYBE. One day. In my forties or so. It might catch me off guard. But for now I am going with what I know. Self-centered. Protective. Condescending. Judgmental. I am gonna get me a new car and a new life and waller in shallow materialism. It works for everyone else. I can do anything they can do better. Fake tan. Fake smile. Silver tongued reptile.

It is time to rule the carrot people....

"He is wisest among you who admits he is least wise"

Now, class be seated. Thanks for the apple, Canadian Kid.

I am, to put it frankly, pissed off. Those who know me well know certain truths integral to the interpretation of my prophecies. I know most of them would understand yesterday's post for which I still make not a single excuse. I will never ever again apologize for how I feel. Not to you, nor your alleged gods. I am a human being and therefore am imbued with the right and obligation to feel however I want to freely and openly. Normally, I am the type that will have emotions somewhere deep inside where I burn them to run an elaborate smoke and mirror establishment on the surface. One so effective that few ever see or bother to conceptualize below my facade. I have severe Bipolar Disorder that has led to me having two bitingly close attempts at suicide. No one saw it coming at all until was in a hospital both times. Why? Well, the Canuck has presumed apparently that I won't ask for help because I am arrogant lil drama queen. WE live in America so he is begrudgingly allowed his opinion. Regardless the reality. But as is the American way and right, everything shall be fair and balanced. I wrote what I wrote last post for one reason and one person. My survival and growth and the person was myself. I don't like sharing emotions. So, for me to do so t o not only those who love me, but those who do not know me from Adam, was in my personal beliefs an act of bravery. I never wanted people to see into the torture that is mental illness and pity instead of stand beside me. So, for almost all my life I hid the barbarism of my mind from the majority. Yesterday, I quite simply said everything I FELT and was brutally honest. Though, if we will refer to the handouts ( or directly below) bearing the verbiage of yesterdays post, one can note I never said I was right or wrong. Now, therein, lies the crux of my discussion. If we hypothesize that I did not assert anything but my own personal and extraordinarily PRIVATE inner feelings for the benefit of getting them out alone, and not simply to piss and moan. To grow and change through a more cathartic emotional outlet. The question then arises: Who makes the rules of emotions? Who tells you , my readers, you are allowed to FEEL a certain way? And in a day and age when people are already judged upon everything down to their appearance and financial status, is it not that all we have left as human that remains sacred is our right to FEEL as instinctively as we can. I never defended my feelings I simply stated them. I, evidentially with much foolishness, thought that if I gave people an honest, unfiltered view to my state then they COULD help me. They would understand my crippling fears and misguided realities. I have suffered and lost everything to this same damned disease several times. I almost died and have been arrested several times in the midst of psychotic breaks. I take responsibility for those things both personally and legally. I am more than acutely aware of each and every one of my faults. So, for someone who was reaching, pleading, begging for a light in the dark, for an ounce of "thank you for your candor" I was disgusted at the response.

YES DISGUSTED! I would never presume to denigrate someone for their feelings. To attack a human for having faults and having "the balls" to lay them bare. That was the singularly most incredulous response. In so many words I was told: "You fucking suck. Please die. Or come to me for the answers." I was not asking for answers. I have a shrink. I spoke to her early this afternoon and discussed the likelihood of having myself put in a crisis stabilization unit tomorrow. Yes, something to be real fucking proud of huh? I know well enough that I need help and I know well enough I have a place to get it. You were an asshole simply. You did not try to help. You just judged a situation you, now apparent to my readers and verifiable with the state of South Carolina, knew nothing about and proceeded to hurl scathing insults and hate. You don't know me. And now, frankly, I don't care if you ever do. What you did was wrong and you owe me and my sister an apology. She just lost a close friend to suicide because when he was lost everyone threw their stones from glass houses. Did you even think of the consequences of your words or did you climb up on your cross and practice long distance therapy on a person you have never seen face to face. Get off your soap box. Hypocrite. You can't help anybody cuz you cannot see any path but the one you took yourself. That won't work for anyone BUT you. Yes, I understand OH VENERABLE ONE that you have made it through some shit. But I assure you with barely the tip of proverbial iceberg exposed you got too close and sunk your boat this time. If you would have approached me as a stranger and in I mean the way I expect MYSELF to behave and asked what the matter was or if having your experience might I wish to have some assistance, I may or may not have chose to listen. But in the end guy that is my choice. You cannot make someone adhere to your philosophy on healing. In particular, having not a shred of background. But you went several steps beyond sinking the boat. You killed all the passengers onboard and burned the lifeboats. In what reality is it acceptable attack someone as a form of helping them up? You mention karma on your expansive list of things you so proudly know. I certainly hope you do not slip in the frosty tundra of your lil town. For the next person to help you up may think it best if they kicked you in the face. And you did nothing less. I will not allow people like you in my life. It is fucking hard enough. And no I do not want your sympathy. I want you to turn in your mirror for a change and see how you look these days with all this self exaltation. Hubris is a sin my poor Christ child. And surely this should be the "wake up call" you needed. You are not helping with being that way. You are making it worse between yourself and the youth and HIV+ people you think you are saving. Had this not been so inexcusably brutal an outburst, I may have thought you meant well. But I am afraid you are not going to be afforded that forgiveness. From me or much anyone.

Now, Ty, you are a separate issue entirely. And though you cannot find the class to wage your war on more appropriate battlefields I can. I will take this up with you perosnally when I get the point where I can. Ubtil then I ask you to refrain from having anymore tantrums on my pages. I sorely hope that you realize you fueled this attack on me.

Gossamer and Gelflings

I met a stranger and I have been becoming one lately. Thin silken threads tying the fragments of mind and soul together in the vortex I have created. Supernova. Shwoosh... All the little webs covered in celestial debris. Starboy went home today. Mama knows best. Apparently I am polymaternal. All the world a mess of colors and collisions. Centrifugal forces breaking down the integrity of my destruction. Shoulda Woulda Coulda Didnt Aint Gonna! Why me and my ego on your front window display? Self loathing stoking the fires this morning. What a blaze! If it could go, it went. Mind body and soul swirling in an abyss of weightless worrisomes. I don't know who I am today. Leaving one to question the validity of previous self assumptions. Good guy? Nope. Leader of the lost? Not in this place. Jesus in blue jeans? Only on FoxNews. Martyr? Ha! but we wore the outfit so well. Time for my crown of plastic thorns to be laid in state. I am no longer the dichotomy of Casinelli. Nucleic fusion. All pieces sloppily made an amalgam of former selves. I mean does anyone really know the last 18 twists to the fucking rubic's cube of sanity cuz my reds and yellows are off. And i just cannot sacrifice the blues and greens on their behalf.

I cried this week with my sister over a guy I never met. I cried for my sister not him. I do empathize with the fallout and debris of a young man's life. Coal tells me that I am "full of myself" and that I constantly affirm to people that I am smart and beautiful. He says when we talk it is like the gelflings of Dark Crystal when first they touched and did that mind meld thing. Strangely identical and uniquely different. I don't like being assessed over the phone. Regardless of truth and accuracy. I work too hard to pretend to pretend. I have been insane for two straight weeks. Like a natural disaster running through my own trailer park of a life tossing any and everything asunder. I cannot be here for myself at the moment but I will not listen to anyone else. I am tired of being trapped inside me. But I know that I am not crafty enough to pull off a successful suicide. And I will not live through that humiliation again. I want to simply walk away and leave this life. Start with a new name and learn to be a human this time and not the meglomaniacal supernova of phoenix legend. Rise and fall in the world filled with lies so small. I am tired of being loved for nothing that I am and being hated for everything that I want to be. I feel like life has wiped my dry erase board of lessons clean of experience. I am tired of not being able to make eye contact with the man in the mirror. Tired, no, exhausted. Worn down and out. My mind aches as bad as my back. Have I truly faked happiness and confidence for so long that people actually think I love myself more than anything on Earth?? Have I "faked it til I made it" shit? How easily my house of cards toppled under the weight of its own stupidity. I am just smart enough to be a dumbass. Just brilliant enough to lie to myself and not ever realize it.

I have hurt several people on the last two weeks. I want to say I am sorry but I don't feel sorry. I have yet to feel remorse. Rationalizations still got the wheel today. I am still to self absorbed to admit fault or failure. Love me if you want but know that my world is too fragile to live outside the safety zone. If I hate you... I probably really hate myself because of the reflection in your eyes. I will not excuse my actions yet. I cannot even fathom the repercussions that are coming yet. So, love me if you must but you are gonna see a lot of pain for me in the months to come.

"People are strange when you're a stranger...."

Islamic Militants and the Gay Rights Movement

So, for those of you who haven't noticed the entire Muslim world is in an uproar over an off-color political cartoon in Denmark depicting the Prophet Mohammed with a bomb in his turban. This is no big surprise to me. What shocks me is how swift and well orchestrated the Beirut, Lebanon demonstrations were pulled off. They had a marching band and thousands of those sideways flags with angry Arabic slogans. Religious zealot posters printed. Thousands of people marched.

With this in mind, I say the gay rights movement hire Islamic extremists to conduct all further operations. They get shit DONE! We would be getting married by June if we put them in charge. They are the Martha Stewarts of mobilizing the masses. They seem to find every unemployed person in a country with less than a days notice. And the sheer logistics management is phenomenal. I mean silk screening those flags alone had be an all night job. Hmmm.....

Is this who I really am?

You are an Aquarius. You are rebelious,

truth-telling, brilliant, intuitive,

analytical,determined, fun, original,

idealistic, creative, curious, friendly,

unprejudiced, and independant. You see life

very simply and usually you are someone who

fights for the rights of others. Of all the

animals you are most like a crane. Cranes have

an ancient history, that comes from the

knowledge of the past. They soar serene and

independant and they can be a little bit

secretive about where they put their things,

he he!


-your lucky colors are cold electric neon blue and

yellow-orange, the colors of electricity!!


-your metal is uranium


- your precious stone is amethyst


-your day of the week is wednesday


-your element is air


-the parts of the body that you rule are the

circulation, shins, and ankles


-the planet that you are ruled by is uranus


-your true love comes from gemini, libra,

sagitarius, aquarius and every now and then

aries


[R][E][D][O][N][E] What is Your TRUE Astrology Sign? (for guys and girls with incredibly detailed answers and incredible pictures)
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Torrents of Tuesday

I feel like I am slowly going insane. They give you all these chemicals and they work for a little while. But what people fail to comprehend is the monster that lives inside me. He wants to destroy me. Makes me want to do things to ruin all the good in my life. Tells me that I am alone and deserve to be. He wants me to wreck all the little baby-stepped progress I have made. I ignore him best I can. I hate him. He won't go away. He screams and throws a fit inside my skull until my mind is swirling in a sea of confusion and chaotic panic. He hates me too. He reminds of all the bad things that have happened to me and all the bad things I have done. No meds ever silence him completely. He just laughs at me for suffering through them and he wins. He gloats. He gnaws. My head aches. My eyes burn with dry duct confusion. He won't let me cry anymore. Calling me names and making fun of me.



Then after I am starting to lose my mind, he bargains with me...

Do this and I will let you be. Get drunk. Hurt someone. Hurt yourself. Hate yourself more. Run away. Run your car into a wall. I will go away if you destroy your life. Do drugs. Do a stranger. Something. You want me to go away right. You want me to let you think. To let you sleep. To take the nitemares away. Of course, I can't let you be happy ever. But I will let you off the hook for a few. I will let you look in the mirror and not want to claw your skin off. I will let you wake up ONE day without wanting it to be your last. I will let you fake happiness one more hour. But I need my pound of sanity...

Absolutely Had to Post this Picture

PLEASE NOTE: GOD SENDS LITTLE PURPLE DEMONS TO WREAK VENGEANCE THESE DAYS! BEWARE OF PURPLE FELT DEMON INFESTATIONS IF YOU HAVE KITTENS.

Sustainability Sunday

Well, I guess I am gonna be taking a little bit of a stretch on the concept here because of my belief system... So, let me elaborate before I explain what I did this week. We can have all the alternative fuels. We can save a million trees. Clean all the rivers and stop the extinction of a dozen species of insects. Never put an unfriendly chemical in the air, water, or soil. We CAN do it. But can doesn't cut it. And for the most part, those of us that are doing something always will. With that in mind, what are we accomplishing on this blogject but touting our own greatness. Myself, being entirely too pragmatic in world view, I harbor a little cynicism for a beautiful world with no one who is happy to be there. And the converse being true, who will save an Earth they hate living upon. So, in all my high school educated glory, I would dare to propose the hypothesis that we gotta sustain the people's quality of life and then, maybe then, they will feel more aware of the possibility of losing this beautiful living rock we call home.

So this is my sustainability. I volunteer with HIV/AIDS events and organizations. This last week I taught a class of 32 new volunteers. I sat on a panel and gave real life perspective of what it is like to live in MY world with HIV. Just my perspective. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I was shocked at points with the amount of information some people did not know. Even being a part of this type of activism as long as I have, I am eternally astounded by the amount of work left. This disease in particular, aside from my personal infection, is raping our world of ourselves. Of people to care about the environment at all. Whole countries are more than 50% infected with little hope of treatment or viable prevention. It is one thing to orchestrate a trip to The Congo stop help restore forests. It is another to go to pick bodies off the forest floor. As morbid as it sounds, to me that is the way we are going. Save a tree so no one is here to look at it. Excepting maybe all the beautiful monoliths we have created in reverent hubris.