Call to Arms

I feel like a Roman soldier who has returned home from confronting a southern advance from Hannibal. Forced to return to a shitty job of paving streets and mediocrity with no respect from those whom I fought for. Only from those I fought with. I know as with all things, it is a necessity that I have this respite, but once you get the taste of blood, it is hard to stare at cobbled stones and patchwork them together all day. But wait I must. I will hone my skills in war's absence. Prepare for the next great threat to my microcosm of existence. And, eventually, I will take up sword and breastplate for the cause of the righteous and true. Defending the freedom of those I love and my right to believe in who I am.

Moving home is going to suck. But it is the bed I have made. I can't help but see this strangely brilliant silver lining to it all. Like starting all over again as a nineteen year old boy. I got accepted to Midlands Tech yesterday. I cannot WAIT to go back to school. Higher learning is where I excel and feel safe. Seems that when I can go to school I am the little kid inside playing in the library in a world of my own. Imaginary though it may be, that was the best place I ever lived. I remember the smell of long forgotten books. The sound of binding glue crumbling when you turn to a random page to see if it was intriguing enough to hide in a corner all day and read. I loved the workbook storage room. That SMELL! I loved it in all its shiny-paged newness. A friend took me to the library not too long ago. It brought back so many memories. I told him how happy it made me just to be there. He promised one day we would come spend a few hours just walking amongst the books.

I like the lonely books. The ones no one reads anymore. Or the ones that have several recent editions to trump it. Cuz we all know everyone wants the newest book. Not me. Sometimes you can even smell the other people on the pages that read it ages ago.

So, going back home will allow me to start afresh with my adulthood. I will get to go to school. I will get to do things right with my family. Build a better relationship with my brother and make something of my life. I can't say I have remorse for living my life the way I did. Quite the contrary. I believe that going to school with what I know now is going to be an amazing asset in college. And when I graduate top in my class, as I must, I will get to say "Hey, it took 16 years, but you did it. I think I need this to begin to respect myself again in a healthy way.

And only then will my sword be sharp enough and my breastplate sufficiently fortified to stand in the front rank of my regiment ready to blaze a path for others to follow....