I feel like I am slowly going insane. They give you all these chemicals and they work for a little while. But what people fail to comprehend is the monster that lives inside me. He wants to destroy me. Makes me want to do things to ruin all the good in my life. Tells me that I am alone and deserve to be. He wants me to wreck all the little baby-stepped progress I have made. I ignore him best I can. I hate him. He won't go away. He screams and throws a fit inside my skull until my mind is swirling in a sea of confusion and chaotic panic. He hates me too. He reminds of all the bad things that have happened to me and all the bad things I have done. No meds ever silence him completely. He just laughs at me for suffering through them and he wins. He gloats. He gnaws. My head aches. My eyes burn with dry duct confusion. He won't let me cry anymore. Calling me names and making fun of me.
Then after I am starting to lose my mind, he bargains with me...
Do this and I will let you be. Get drunk. Hurt someone. Hurt yourself. Hate yourself more. Run away. Run your car into a wall. I will go away if you destroy your life. Do drugs. Do a stranger. Something. You want me to go away right. You want me to let you think. To let you sleep. To take the nitemares away. Of course, I can't let you be happy ever. But I will let you off the hook for a few. I will let you look in the mirror and not want to claw your skin off. I will let you wake up ONE day without wanting it to be your last. I will let you fake happiness one more hour. But I need my pound of sanity...
4 comments:
how sad.
To Louis: I love you and that won't change, whether you believe that you deserve it or not is beside the point. You are not alone. You told me you didn't want to lose me in the insanity, so I'm holding you to that and I'm not leaving.
I am forced to love the monster as well, since he is a part of you, but that doesn't mean I have to like him. I promise I am here for you but you have to let me help you, you can't shut me out. There has to be at least a small part of you that still loves me.
To the monster: You are a bitch. I don't negotiate with terrorists. Release your hostage at once, before I get really mad.
Hey
Go to www.google.com, type in Confirmed Negativity Condition, and read the second result that comes up.
I've known many throughout the course of my life who have felt that way...almost scary how precisely you describe how they feel.
-A friend.
Oh fuck it, I'll copy and paste it onto here -
What is Confirmed Negativity Condition?
Definition
Confirmed Negativity Condition, CNC, is the endgame of negative subjectivity interpretation. It causes the victim to translate every comment made, somehow, as a negative reflection on himself. The victim assumes blame for every possible word or event, no matter how unrelated. This hypercritical subjectivity is the cumulative result of the perception of the need for self-denial over an entire lifetime to the point of manifestation. It appears to begin with an ultra-sensitive predisposition in the individual and leads, ultimately, to his race to prevent every disaster, seen, unforeseen, or imagined, that could possibly happen to any and all of humankind. The symptoms of CNC present themselves in numerous ways, always against the host individual.
CNC sufferers are caught in an internal struggle, which is often expressed as a dialogue between the “Actual Mind” and the “Negative Mind.”
The Actual Mind is a positive force. It is the mind of the sufferer before the development of CNC, and it is the mind that will remain once CNC is reversed. It is the healthy mind. The Actual Mind is who the sufferer would have been had CNC been averted and emotional development not been arrested. The Actual Mind consists of normal reactions to everyday events.
The Negative Mind is the imposter mind. It becomes the tool of CNC. It is the enforcer. It preys on the host whose wonderful potential lies hidden under the façade of often inexplicable behavior. Like a parasite that attempts to consume the Actual Mind, it feeds off the host and can seem to obliterate his true gentle nature. As the Negative Mind becomes more entrenched, the naturally caring victim behaves like his antithesis. While placating the Negative Mind, the sufferer’s bizarre behavior serves to isolate him and can alienate family and friends.
Often the host of CNC is caught in the crossfire between the Negative and Actual Minds. With this continual bargaining and with the domination of the Negative Mind, the Actual Mind relinquishes its place progressively, diminishing over time. Even though the Negative Mind is extremely domineering, at no point is the victim entirely without his Actual Mind. He is merely without most of its power.
I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL BUT I CAN RELATE!!! You are so not alone in this.
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