Hook, Line, and Sinker

Why is it that some people are perpetually doomed to repeat stupid mistakes? I mean you would think that after enough time anyone would know that they are literally history repeating itself. I have retired from the advice and solace business. The pay is shit and the customers are ungrateful. So, my sage advice is no longer for free. Classes are cancelled and all private audiences must be rebooked with another of our staff councilors...

On brighter note. Birthday went well. Very well. Spent it with my newly affirmed "boyfriend." He hates the term. Says it does not properly convey the unique and powerful relationship we have with each other. It has already received the coveted SisterSeal of Approval. I am excited and relieved that things are going in this direction. For a minute there, I thought my boat had shifted into the windless doldrums, but no. I am right on course.

As for the rest of my life, doing great it seems. I am becoming more and more active with LAS. Got a volunteer class to speak for with Saturday. Worked with CHAMP this week. It is a young gay men's group providing extra-bar activities and support as well as developing community outreach and leadership development. That was pretty exciting. They are undergoing a face lift so it shall be interesting to see the outcome. I am hoping to be an integral part of this change.

Later to come... Swiss Army Hands!

Dream A Little Dream

I just had the wierdest dream....

I go to meet a trick. It is, exteriorly, a stereo-typical apartment complex. For some reason, I don't knock I just enter. it is dark and disheveled. Almost in a half-moved in way. Without further exploration, I notice a journal of some sort and take to reading recent entries. The "journal" graphically details in scratchy text and morbid drawing luring two guys over as tricks and cutting them into slices slowly and meticulously. For some reason, with book in hand, I walk out to catch "trick" looking down at the journal and start to recede down the steps. I tell him that I was not going to tell anyone. That I was hoping I was not one of the guys but I was deeply curious about the whole deal. He assures me repeatedly that he did not do the acts but was merely a faggot scorned with a vivid imagination. We return to the mess in the living room. He offers me up a reference to getting fucked up while reaching for papers to roll a joint. I tell him I don't get high while secretly hoping he would offer me something more brutal to get "fucked up on." I head to the bathroom through an EXPANSIVE half-constructed maze of an "apartment." After the second no-go or disaster without walls or real plumbing (one toilet was actually nothing but the bottom half set upon plywood) toilet I hear the "bf" come home. He proceeds to bitch about me loud enough for me to hear but not to my face. I confront him and it turns out he is mad at me for not approving his vacation time at First Contact. I explained I quit and he calmed down and I woke up.

Any explanation?

Weekend Wrap-Up

I spent another four day weekend with Ty-Ty. Thursday night, I arrived with Backyard Burger in belly and the impression that I had to get my baby to bed early because he had to work in the morning. Although my baby drives a desk for work, the stress and mental requirement makes it impossible to function without his regular amount of sleep. I was fine with this, so we sat down to a game of Mental Floss. A fun little trivia game he found at Barnes and Nobles the previous weekend. About halfway through the game, my baby surprises me with the news that he took Friday off to be with me. I was so excited I covered him in kisses.

His day had been stressful as hell, and his Yahoo account had mysteriously de-activated itself "as per his request." I wanted to make his weekend as stress free and happy as possible. So, Friday, we did little and slept a lot. I took an amazing nap with him at one point. That night we watched several movies. I had already watched Dirty Shame by John Waters. Together, we watched Cellular and Height. Both pretty good, but Height was really damned good. Then off to bed we went.

Saturday, my man surprised me and took me by his parents' house where I got to meet his 92 year old grandma. She was sweeter than chocolate with dark blue eyes just like Ty's. She told me she was going to call me Louie which was very ironic to me and strangely comforting cuz only Ty and my family call me that and she would have no way of knowing about that. I also met his father though I can't say I got to know him too well. The poor guy had had a tooth pulled and was a little out of it, but was still really nice. He kinda reminds me of my dad in his recliner quiet and watching TV. And not to be forgotten was the Angel. She, being a cute and extremely active if not entirely dexterous miniature poodle, decided that she liked my lap and scratching. She was fun to tussle with and watch her nearly pee herself with excitement as her Ty-Ty walked through the door.

So, as men on a mission, we went to Schlotski's and had some food. Then, we took what I thought was a very romantic "I wish" house tour of the more affluent and bayside Mt. Pleasant neighborhoods. Craftily, he managed to end the tour right at the place he gets his hair cut. I thought it was a cute lil trick. He got his hair cut and we talked about stuff with his stylist who has rocked out black and fuschia hair and is a pretty cool girl. She just broke up with her boyfriend. So, we gave her the standard gay "boys suck" consolation speech. HeHe!

Off we went to the library where we rented movies and I perused the newly arrived book shelves. I love libraries in general. They make me happy. Ty promised we would spend a few hours there one day which made me very happy. Hard to find a man who is willing to spend time in a library rather than a bar. But Ty is that man and I fucking love it.

That night we watched Xanadu. I had never seen it before. Much to my surprise and delight, it was an insane acid trip of a romantic musical. The hair was terrible and my baby knew every word. The best part of the whole movie was watching that nostalgic little boy sing all the words with hope and excitement rewinding all the craziness so we could laugh hysterically two or three times. I could just see him gayer than God dancing around like Olivia as a 13 year old boy. It was intimate and special and I will never forget it.

Sunday afternoon, sadly, I had to be brought home. It hurts these days to go home. Away from him. Away from all that happiness. It is a necessary evil though and every time I get to see him it just becomes more and more amazing....

He never bores me. He constantly surprises me and astounds me. He is pretty reserved and every time he shows me more I feel like I am watching this beautiful flower unfold for the morning sun. Petal by petal. With uncharacteristic patience, I watch. I can already smell the sharp, intoxicating fragrance. It is taking me away to places unseen. He has me rapt. Heart and soul. He told me today he was afraid I like him because he was safe and not because of who he is. And then to write about him. I already did.

December 29, 2005

Now I lay me down to sleep
I say to Ty my soul you keep
I cannot say if this is love
Though you fit me as a glove
I vie each day your voice to hear
Wishing just to hold you near
A fount of silly school boy prose
Inches from my Roman nose
Tonight I stepped out from the dark
My heart on journey doth embark
A perilous parting from my home
Swift in my mind do you roam
I watch your knights guarding keep
You know I watch you while you sleep?
Let this place be your port of call
Dock your ship in my harbor small.

I know it is cheesier than sharp cheddar but I am writing again. That is all that matters to me. And to the one who is inspiring me, I thank you. And remember, you have to let me be strong for you, too. That is how the deal works.

Mirror, Mirror

Wow! Today has been never-ending. It was an astounding day. I spent most of my day doing volunteer work for LAS at an Americorps gathering. They were extremely hospitable people. I got to educate the youth about HIV and AIDS and talk to some of the most interesting young gay and lesbian volunteers. I got to see the world through the eyes of the future leaders, movers, and shakers. It takes guts to give up life as you know it and work basically for free all over this great land doing great things. For some, this was a way to get out of a small town and see the country. For others, it was a way to pay for school. I also found among them people I could tell seethed an unadulterated desire to change the world. It was amazing. Such enthusiasm! I truly can say it renewed my faith immensely in today's youth. Listening to the stories of a young lesbian who was gay bashed so badly in her Oklahoma home town that her kidneys bled to telling a group what it is like to live with HIV, for me at least. To have an enthralled audience hear you voice your opinions on being empowered in their lives. About self respect and social responsibility. To see that life changing sparkle in a person's eyes that says "Hey, I won't forget this." This is for me. If I did a little good in this world today, as I truly hope, that is more than I can ask. The biggest gain was made by me today. I know what my calling is to be. I know I can make people feel alive inside for just a little while. To feel passion about something inside or outside themselves. Those young adults have given me the resolve to do something more when I thought it was me doing that for them. Thank you guys.

I also got a strange call from a slightly estranged friend and his "bf." In turn, knowing the logistics of this particular social group and in response to a certain young man's apparently productive struggle to straighten his life out, I made a call tonight around ten. Originally to give him a number he wanted me to find and then just to see how he was doing these days.

I tend to be a very forgiving person. Overly so my sister will say. Much to my detriment, in her opinion. They say hindsight is 20/20. Not sure I agree with that. Looking behind, I think I did the right thing, but that is my perspective. And some damage has been my fault. I stand by my beliefs in allowing only those into my life that are good for me and good for themselves, though. But to stand in perennial judgment of someone as a way of avoiding disappointment, is not very adult. And while I am far from godly, to forgive is still divine. So, we discussed in great length the entire situation. From why what was said and done was so to where we are both headed and where that leaves us as friends. I think, in the end, I made the right decisions. Hope I said the right things. Regardless of the outcome, I have a new perspective on an old friend and new hopes for better days for us both. Keep up the good work, kiddo. Make no excuses.

So, back to that mirror I mentioned. Much of today, I have been forced to look at who I am. What I want to be. To be real. More real than I have been in a long time. In the past, I have shied from that mirror. I knew I would not like what my reflection held and with good reason. But today. Hmmm. I guess I kinda peeked into it at first and saw something that I wasn't expecting. It came in the form of something I said to a particular girl today: "I have done a lot of good and I have done a lot of bad. Finally, the good is starting to outweigh the bad, and I just try to keep it headed in that direction." The guy I saw today was not that bad looking after all.

Day for Repose

I was up early, again. Had to be downtown to the Medical University for an appointment with my infectious disease doc. I got there way early due to ride constrictions, went across the Port City Java, had a mochachino, and read Wicked. Gregory MacGuire has me thoroughly enthralled at this point. I have found in his book a character with whom I strangely identify. Elphaba rocks in her sad, detached little way.

So, I went to my appointment after about an hour or so. Doctor said things are looking good. Really good, actually. I don't have my numbers, yet, leaving me cautiously optimistic, but I will know by the end of the week. It feels really amazing to hear your doctor say that she doesn't need to see you for three months.

After that good news, I rode by taxi up to Lowcountry AIDS Services to do some volunteer work. Everybody should do some kind of volunteer work. It is good for the soul. It is good for the people involved and the recipients. Even if you only do it once a year, getting out to help someone else repairs you. Invigorates you. I seem to have forgotten what it was like to care about the world around me in such an active way. For years, I have been relegating my "caring" to bitching about shit to my friends and family. But now. Now, I am changing my community. I am making my tiny iota of difference. That makes going to sleep at night just a little bit easier. Makes waking up a little more exciting. Do it.

I had a strange scare today. As anyone who reads my blog knows, I kinda dig Ty like crazy. This weekend, we had discussed his company maybe one day sending him overseas to a foreign country to work. So, I get this text message saying he is leaving to somewhere. No specifics in date or longevity of assignment. I had to read it three times. I covered my face with my hands and felt a searing heat rush through my body. I know we are not boyfriends. I know I have "no official right to be jealous" if he slept with someone else. But tell that to my heart.

I don't need a boyfriend. I don't need to be in love. Far from it. My natural reactionary force went into effect. I started to push down emotions and shut down parts of my mind. But then, I realized I wanted to feel whatever the future brought. I didn't want to hide from life again like I always have in the past. As he gathered from my texts that I was misinterpreting his communications, he made it clear that is was only a short trip for training. Why is it that I felt such a rush of relief? Like I had just found a lost family heirloom I had been entrusted to keep? Like I almost lost my job but at the last minute the misunderstanding was cleared up? Am I allowed to feel this way? Am I supposed to? Is it normal to think about someone most of your day and crack that giggly little boy smile every time my cell phone vibrates.

My mother says don't get all involved yet. They have been through a lot with my other two major relationships. And with my having HIV, my mom is playing psychotic lioness and her sickly cub. Which is perfectly understandable. I love you for that Mom. My sister teeters on the edge of enthusiasm and fear of hurt. We both share so much of the same soul with each other that every relationship takes us both into it. So, I have to be considerate of that.

When do you know it is ok to be falling and what says you fell on your face? Does it take time to fall in love or do we fall swift and realize it later? Maybe a little of both. Is there a natural step by step path by which one goes?

I have known love on more than one occasion. Of that I am quite sure. The first time I realized I was in love I cried and it freaked me out cuz I had no idea what the hell I was feeling. To be so moved by the entire concept of someone that they radiate an angelic glow that only you can see. I know when I like someone I tend to want to make them feel like a king. Even in my friendships I feel like I try to be a positive and forgiving force. I have been emotionally drained by people because of that in the past.

Who knows? All I know is that I had to get all that out of me. Whew! Maybe I am stepping over the take it slowly line. Maybe not. I just know that the thought of losing someone I have known for so short a time had an unexpected effect on me. Just wanted to work it out on here. Thanks for listening.

Yu Wan Mo Kok

So, I had a great day with Ty-Ty yesterday. We ran all around town. I was out of bed and all functional at a crazy early hour for me. 9:30AM! LOL I know. I am lazy. Especially when I wanted to stay in bed with a hot guy, but it is good for me to get up early and get out of the house once in a while. We went to Barnes and Nobles and looked for board games in West Ashley with no success. I love wandering the bookstore.

After smelling the books and picking up a few interesting facts by random perusal, we headed to the Tasty Wok. A Chinese buffet. I had an upset tummy so I ate little. Ty-Ty and his hot self caught the attentions of a hot little eastern-euro boy who I kept calling Jann. I have a habit of being outspoken in public and this tends to embarrass Ty. HeHe. Shortly thereafter, a large group of Hispanics gets sat right next to us. So while Ty is at the buffet and I am silently sipping my Coke and nibbling on my food, I hear the Asian waitress, who spoke broken English, speaking in broken Spanish. Now, I found this EXTREMELY amusing. Her accent and that language? Classic! Well with the original "Classic" in a tea pitcher and an industrious spirit, the aforementioned waitress comes darting across the floor towards us. At about 15 feet, or three tables away, she blurts out in Asian staccato, "You wan' more cock?" Ty's face swiftly bleeds red and I am dumb struck with the hilarity and can only manage a giggly "sure." To which Ty, finally able to look me in the eye, says, "YES! I heard her. Don't say a word." I had to cover my face with a napkin while I silently laughed my ass off. And now, I can only think how ironic the name of the restaurant truly is. BTW the had a big ass Fugu fish in front. Pretty cool.

A Few of My Favorite Things

Two people I read regularly have listed things they like or that make them happy, so I figure I should do the same. Nostalgia. I like the smell of a brand new 2nd grade, shiny-paged workbook. I used to like writing in them with pen with that perfect handwriting you always start every school tear with just knowing that all the answers were going to be right. Blue pen. I love the smell of really old book. The ones whose pages are never evenly cut on the open side and their spines are brittle because so few people read them. Like I was getting in on a secret story or piece of knowledge. I love new books. I just got one with a gift card from Christmas and it has really light stock soft paper and sometimes I just pick it up and flip through the pages to feel the sensation.

I love traveling. I get high off the excitement of seeing somewhere new or returning after long absence to a place I once knew so well. I like standing in the clouds on mountains. And the view of the Rockies front he eastern side. Like in the plains of Wyoming, Montana, or Alberta, Canada. I like cold mountain rivers and evergreens in spring first couple days after the spring thaw.

Being near water makes me happy. Maybe because I am a Water-Bearer. I love the smell of the ocean. And how it smells ALMOST the same all over the world. I like telling perfect strangers they are beautiful, or that they should smile it is not that bad. I like old cities like London or Berlin and Paris. I love the Rosetta Stone. Things of old permanence in a world of thing always new and ever-changing. I love castles. We used to play hide and seek in a bombed out burg when I was in high school.

I love getting my head rubbed. I am not sure where it came from, but I think my mother used to do it when I was a child to get me to sleep. So, now, it is the most comforting thing in the world to me. I like cold houses and great comforters.

I think the thing I like most is learning. And sharing knowledge. Especially with someone with different knowledge than mine. It is like a high to have a 6 hour discussion about everything in the world over coffee or tea and not even realize the cafe is closing down around you. So, I read a lot usually. I teach myself new things just because I can and they are interesting to me. I like reading books on physics or genetics a lot. But I also love fantastical worlds as well

And finally, I like strong women and sweet but assertive men. And since I have one of both in my life right now, I am pretty damned content. I hope I didn't leave anything out. If I did I will add it later. My baby wants me to get in the shower so we can be "productive" today Hehe! Later guys.

Shark Infested Waters

Anything you say can and will be used against you in a gaggle of queers. "Your entire generation is nothing but Gucci bag toting, fang bearing evil faggots!" -Me circa Last Summer

And why is it that we have grown so malicious over the years. Each generation getting progressively more hateful and competitive. Like suddenly the amount of available gay men plummets every few years. Whereas, in reality, it increases. More tolerance allowing more to come out and less gay relationships surviving the third week. We are becoming more and more obsessed with finding that 11 in a sea of self-proclaimed 10s. All of our criteria mangled by advertising execs and biased television writers.

When I was in my late teens and very early 20s, we were playfully mean. And yeah we gossiped and were occasionally back-stabbers. But it was looked down upon then. It was often a political defense tactic in the club when wronged. Now, just like football, people go to the bar just to drink and watch it with fellow enthusiasts of the sport.

You have your perennial allstars that can be counted on to craftily and brutally abuse someone for the entertainment of others. You have the people who stand back and start shit just to watch. And you have the people who inevitably fall prey to the pit viper pretty boys who can't even buy their own alcohol. It upsets me that being and pompous is the new fucking pink.

But I cannot change it. That is why I don't like going out anymore. People are mean or embarrassingly fucked up. WOW! I feel so much better.

Little Green Man. We need to have a talk...

So, I spent most of my conscious day playing on my Gamecube. I am that nerd. Yes, I like taking my frustrations out on X-Men Legends. And bet your ass I will go back to playing it after I write this post. I had an extensive conversation with my roommate covering everything from the extent some people will go to hurt others to the economic downfall of America in a post-Chinese WTO participation world. Then, I read quite a few blogs, left my 35 cents, and thought.

It is that point in one's life for me (I am growing to learn) where you have to turn inward for most of the answers. Have that sit down tea on Dagobah with your own personal Yoda. He has the answers. You need to listen . I thought it was ODD as hell that so many people are talking about not changing or changing the people around themselves. Seems everybody is tolling their opinion bells about whether it is morally or ethically right to "help" someone. Or if you can only truly "help" yourself.

I have tried helping many. Like to think I have done some good. Know I have done some bad. Settled my accounts receivable on that matter. Now, I need to turn inward and learn. I have so much to offer me. Yoda and I are gonna get a tan from my Eternal Sunshine on the beaches of my Murky Mind.

P.S. Next time I go to dismantle anything mechanical. I.E. Things with gears. Like JUST FOR EXAMPLE a bicycle, would some one freaking tell me no. Louis! Back away from the device. Cuz only God knows what that pile of metal is in the garage now, but I won't be riding it to Grandma's anytime soon. And when the fuck did you need a tool called a "Chain Tool" to take the obviously associated part off the frame?? As a kid, I could never get mine to stay on. Goodnight all. Yoda said the tea is getting cold.

The weekend was more than a man has any right to dream for Ty. Thank you so much.

Fallen Star

I have been accurately referred to as a fallen star. It is true, but I don't think the person who identified that trait in me realizes the implications. Maybe I didn't until it was pointed out to me. I was a star. Burning bright. Manipulating all the heavenly bodies that came within my grasp for better or for worse. As a star, among the many, I think one loses touch with something. I wanted to be like the sun raining life giving energy down on all the people of earth. Fixing their problems. Letting them bask in my warmth. But everybody knows too much sun is a bad thing. And now, for reasons both in and out of my control, I have "fallen" back to earth. Among the people I thought to help. Ruled by my mortality and emotions.

In the days since my meteoric return to humanity, I realize how out of touch I truly am/was with people. And how was it, as a "star," that I thought to fix a world I hardly recognized? I cannot right my wrongs. They exist as separate from me as I was from knowledge of their occurrence. I find it truly humbling back with my head below the clouds and my feet rooted on the ground. What is more, the sensation of contentment I am growing to feel concerning myself with my own health and well-being. Not worrying about others who never wanted me meddling in the first place. All the good intentions in the world amount to little if you are not welcome.

I will enjoy being a denizen of earth for a while. Maybe when next I ascend to the sky with more wisdom than knowledge, I will be more the beautiful passing comet and less the meteor raining from the sky.