Day for Repose

I was up early, again. Had to be downtown to the Medical University for an appointment with my infectious disease doc. I got there way early due to ride constrictions, went across the Port City Java, had a mochachino, and read Wicked. Gregory MacGuire has me thoroughly enthralled at this point. I have found in his book a character with whom I strangely identify. Elphaba rocks in her sad, detached little way.

So, I went to my appointment after about an hour or so. Doctor said things are looking good. Really good, actually. I don't have my numbers, yet, leaving me cautiously optimistic, but I will know by the end of the week. It feels really amazing to hear your doctor say that she doesn't need to see you for three months.

After that good news, I rode by taxi up to Lowcountry AIDS Services to do some volunteer work. Everybody should do some kind of volunteer work. It is good for the soul. It is good for the people involved and the recipients. Even if you only do it once a year, getting out to help someone else repairs you. Invigorates you. I seem to have forgotten what it was like to care about the world around me in such an active way. For years, I have been relegating my "caring" to bitching about shit to my friends and family. But now. Now, I am changing my community. I am making my tiny iota of difference. That makes going to sleep at night just a little bit easier. Makes waking up a little more exciting. Do it.

I had a strange scare today. As anyone who reads my blog knows, I kinda dig Ty like crazy. This weekend, we had discussed his company maybe one day sending him overseas to a foreign country to work. So, I get this text message saying he is leaving to somewhere. No specifics in date or longevity of assignment. I had to read it three times. I covered my face with my hands and felt a searing heat rush through my body. I know we are not boyfriends. I know I have "no official right to be jealous" if he slept with someone else. But tell that to my heart.

I don't need a boyfriend. I don't need to be in love. Far from it. My natural reactionary force went into effect. I started to push down emotions and shut down parts of my mind. But then, I realized I wanted to feel whatever the future brought. I didn't want to hide from life again like I always have in the past. As he gathered from my texts that I was misinterpreting his communications, he made it clear that is was only a short trip for training. Why is it that I felt such a rush of relief? Like I had just found a lost family heirloom I had been entrusted to keep? Like I almost lost my job but at the last minute the misunderstanding was cleared up? Am I allowed to feel this way? Am I supposed to? Is it normal to think about someone most of your day and crack that giggly little boy smile every time my cell phone vibrates.

My mother says don't get all involved yet. They have been through a lot with my other two major relationships. And with my having HIV, my mom is playing psychotic lioness and her sickly cub. Which is perfectly understandable. I love you for that Mom. My sister teeters on the edge of enthusiasm and fear of hurt. We both share so much of the same soul with each other that every relationship takes us both into it. So, I have to be considerate of that.

When do you know it is ok to be falling and what says you fell on your face? Does it take time to fall in love or do we fall swift and realize it later? Maybe a little of both. Is there a natural step by step path by which one goes?

I have known love on more than one occasion. Of that I am quite sure. The first time I realized I was in love I cried and it freaked me out cuz I had no idea what the hell I was feeling. To be so moved by the entire concept of someone that they radiate an angelic glow that only you can see. I know when I like someone I tend to want to make them feel like a king. Even in my friendships I feel like I try to be a positive and forgiving force. I have been emotionally drained by people because of that in the past.

Who knows? All I know is that I had to get all that out of me. Whew! Maybe I am stepping over the take it slowly line. Maybe not. I just know that the thought of losing someone I have known for so short a time had an unexpected effect on me. Just wanted to work it out on here. Thanks for listening.