Mirror, Mirror

Wow! Today has been never-ending. It was an astounding day. I spent most of my day doing volunteer work for LAS at an Americorps gathering. They were extremely hospitable people. I got to educate the youth about HIV and AIDS and talk to some of the most interesting young gay and lesbian volunteers. I got to see the world through the eyes of the future leaders, movers, and shakers. It takes guts to give up life as you know it and work basically for free all over this great land doing great things. For some, this was a way to get out of a small town and see the country. For others, it was a way to pay for school. I also found among them people I could tell seethed an unadulterated desire to change the world. It was amazing. Such enthusiasm! I truly can say it renewed my faith immensely in today's youth. Listening to the stories of a young lesbian who was gay bashed so badly in her Oklahoma home town that her kidneys bled to telling a group what it is like to live with HIV, for me at least. To have an enthralled audience hear you voice your opinions on being empowered in their lives. About self respect and social responsibility. To see that life changing sparkle in a person's eyes that says "Hey, I won't forget this." This is for me. If I did a little good in this world today, as I truly hope, that is more than I can ask. The biggest gain was made by me today. I know what my calling is to be. I know I can make people feel alive inside for just a little while. To feel passion about something inside or outside themselves. Those young adults have given me the resolve to do something more when I thought it was me doing that for them. Thank you guys.

I also got a strange call from a slightly estranged friend and his "bf." In turn, knowing the logistics of this particular social group and in response to a certain young man's apparently productive struggle to straighten his life out, I made a call tonight around ten. Originally to give him a number he wanted me to find and then just to see how he was doing these days.

I tend to be a very forgiving person. Overly so my sister will say. Much to my detriment, in her opinion. They say hindsight is 20/20. Not sure I agree with that. Looking behind, I think I did the right thing, but that is my perspective. And some damage has been my fault. I stand by my beliefs in allowing only those into my life that are good for me and good for themselves, though. But to stand in perennial judgment of someone as a way of avoiding disappointment, is not very adult. And while I am far from godly, to forgive is still divine. So, we discussed in great length the entire situation. From why what was said and done was so to where we are both headed and where that leaves us as friends. I think, in the end, I made the right decisions. Hope I said the right things. Regardless of the outcome, I have a new perspective on an old friend and new hopes for better days for us both. Keep up the good work, kiddo. Make no excuses.

So, back to that mirror I mentioned. Much of today, I have been forced to look at who I am. What I want to be. To be real. More real than I have been in a long time. In the past, I have shied from that mirror. I knew I would not like what my reflection held and with good reason. But today. Hmmm. I guess I kinda peeked into it at first and saw something that I wasn't expecting. It came in the form of something I said to a particular girl today: "I have done a lot of good and I have done a lot of bad. Finally, the good is starting to outweigh the bad, and I just try to keep it headed in that direction." The guy I saw today was not that bad looking after all.