Thursday, December 22, 2005
Hazardous Chemistry?
I recently, uh, today, had to decide that if one of my friends can't, won't, or does want to live his life right, I cannot be his friend. I have tried to be a good example. I have tried to be the protective father figure. The older brother. The affectionate, but platonic ex-boyfriend. All with the hopes of giving this kid hope that he has a future. He has a world to look forward to. He doesn't see it. I can understand. Of all the people around him, I have been furthest don't the road he is on currently. I have watched friends die, seen strangers killed, watched drugs ruin friendships, families, and lives. I know that it is a hard place. I know the drugs are so fucking appealing when you are lost, no one wants to be there, or when the loneliness feels so over-whelming that is no logical reason to go on in this world. I have attempted suicide twice. It didn't cure shit. I have run the passive suicide game of "I am not TRYING to over dose on drugs, BUT...." Not once did I think twice to listen to those who loved me. I validated it as they just don't understand. They have not seen or been where I have. With this kid that simply just fails to work. I been way worse off than him. So, I have taken the approach of trying not to lecture, but say, "Hey, I have been there. It is nothing but shit and destruction. Please listen to me." Invariably, it works for a second or two. Until, one of the cooler, younger friends is out shitfaced or he thinks how badly he wants a bf and I know that I can't be that for him. Then, it is off to the stupidity, drug-abuse, random sex, and self-deprecation. Part of this is to punish me. I know it is. And it kinda works. I feel like there should be something I can do to save him. That if I just did that or just try this. No. Never. I cannot change this kid. He has all the information. He CHOOSES to be toxic to himself and others. I always told him if someone is toxic you need to get rid of them in order to be healthy and maintain your self-respect. Well campers, there is an age old saying. PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH. And I will. I am done. If I want to stay on the mindfully healthy track I am on I have to say goodbye. It breaks my heart to let go of a friend. Goodbye, Shane. Call me when you find your way again.
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6 comments:
No one can help or bring an addict/alcoholic out of the pit - if they are in the pit with them.
Eventually, they will hit bottom, pray it is not too late. The odds are against him for success, unless they get the gift of desperation and stop using.
(It's all about wants versus needs)
We cannot clean up a user unless they make the decision to get clean and sober. (been here done this myself) Twice! Attraction rather than promotion my friend.
Just remember what it was like and be greatful you are not there now.
But for the grace of God !!
Merry Christmas
Jeremy
A candle has flickered out. The darkness has come, I wish Shane luck and I wish you strenghth to stay in the mindset you are in.
It is heart-wrenching...but you've done what you need to do. You're not alone by any means. I hope your friend finds his way...I've had to let go of a few myself.
This is an interesting place...thanks for stopping by mine.
That sounds like a very familiar scenario.
Like Mystique, toxicity comes in many forms and can change shape, and fool you into believing the disguise.
I don't always have the strength to just let go of people. If they ask for my help I will give it, if I can give it without being dragged into the downward spiral with them.
But most people in these situations don't ask for help, and you can't force it on them. Don't feel guilty.
Ultimately you can only ever walk your own path - and every bodies path is different, regardless of similarities.
You can only really be sure of why you're doing what you're doing when it's a choice made outside of the influence of other people.
Strength to you and well wishes to Shane.
I've been there. My ex was a raging alcoholic and I put up for it for two years of living together. It was the 3rd black eye that I finally said go. And I instantly felt like the weight of the world was lifted off me. And, then I got to know myself all over again. Sometimes you got to do what you got to do. Merry Christmas, and I like your blog.
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