Who is Huckleberry Hound? Part I

Just to preface.... This may be a segmented post, as I am not totally sure where I am going with it yet. But, as the point for me is to learn more of how I feel about my sister and articulate it, I am sure this will be healthy for me.

She is perennially my best friend first and foremost. I call others my best friends at time and they do hold positions of honor, but none so high as my sister. In some ways, I fear I put too much of a demand on her because I look up to her in so many ways. She is the strength I never had. The parent I always need. The one with whom I can be, at once, dead serious about life and "cratarzy" to boot. We speak our own language. It is all about Wisconsin. She is five years my junior. Wise beyond her years. We have not always had the life affirming relationship we do today. I know this is 99% my fault. But let's go back....

Since she was little, she was always a juxtaposition of strength and weakness. In one moment, she is walking her little insubordinate ass home from kindergarten, unbeknownst to any adult, so she can swing because school was boring. Yet, at night, she would sneak into my room and sleep at the foot of my bed. I used to get so mad. LOL It was a twin bed, and I was in high school. Needless to say, I would kick her and yell until she left. Years later, I would come to find out her logical motivation was that, at least if monsters came, they would get me first. I also think even then she was kinda looking up to me and, at that point, I seemed like a protector. Those roles would reverse in later years.

Time went on. I left for college. I royally fucked up, and got into heavy drinking and drug use. Returned home. It has ALWAYS been a battle between my parents and I. So, she rarely saw me at home.

One event that I will forever punish myself for and take to my grave as an unforgivable trespass against her, was this time I was wanting to go party and get trashed with my friends. She had begged me to take her to her friends house in the opposite direction, because our parents were incapacitated with their perpetual drunk. So, being fucking self-centered as I was, I did it but it pissed me off. And when we couldn't find the place right off the bat, she was eating my time with my addictions. Well, on the way home, their is a narrow strip of road on a dirt levee across a lake with no guard rails. I am screaming and yelling at a poor 15 year old girl who is truly at no fault of her own and is now having to spend the day with our parents. She barked back at me through tears and I slammed on the brakes. The car started spinning and we almost were in the lake before it stopped. She just burst into tears and yelled at me to take her home. I had almost killed us both. We both knew it. I was shaken and scared what she would tell my parents. To this day, I don't think she said anything. I think she played it off and let me go destroy my life a little more that night. She never forgot it though. I hope she never does. She loves me still monster and all.

So, I left hitchhiking at one point. 19 I think I was. She told me later that whenever she saw Orion that she would know we could see the same sky and that meant I was safe, wherever I was. To this day, no constellation means as much as that. So, I returned home again.

And now, I am tired and this seems a good stopping point. Anybody hate me yet?